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My 8 yr. old daughter's best friend was just killed! Should I let her go to the funeral?

My 8 yr. old daughter's best friend was just killed! My daughter was involved in the reason her friend was punished that lead to her death, my daughter has asked to go to the funeral to say goodbye to her friend. Should I let her go to the funeral? bc she says mommy I didn't even get to tell her goodbye.

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Yes I would really suggest that you do, your daughter desperately needs closure.

She already feels like she needs to say goodbye, she might not be able to grieve if she doesn't get the closure and get to face the reality that her friend is gone.

It seems like you are worried she is too young, but it would just be much healthier for her if she went to the funeral.
~Ninja Jackie-san

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Yes :( aww that's so sad, hopefully we will see her in heaven someday. Why did she die?

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Well, it all over the news and was on Nancy Grace last night. Thr Savannah Hardin Case. The 9 Yr old ran to death by her grandmother for lying to her about eating a Candy bar on the school bus! My daughter was sitting with Savannah on the bus that day and was eating a candy bar as well! There school was doing a fund raiser selling candy bars, the 2 girls had found some that had fallen from another kids box. I joked with my daughter when she got home and told me what her and Savannah had done. Bc my daughter is negitive $20 in her cAndy fund so I laughed n told her the candy bars her and Savsnnah had found probably came from her box! Lol now as the media & news keeps zeroing in on the fact the little girl was punished for eating a candy bar and was killed bc of it I see my daughters heart just break every time knowing she thinks if they wouldn't have eaten the candy bars her friend would still be alive! It's killing me as a mother not to be able to take this pain from my baby!
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We are from Alabama
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Her grandma killed her?!?! D':
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Step-Mom Not Grandma I Thought? And What Does Runned To Death Mean?
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I seriously dont know but its a pretty sad story that she was killed for eating a candy bat
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I mean bar
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Her grandmother and stepmother made her run for 3 hrs. So very very sad.
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I just read your reply here and googled the story. First: you absolutely SHOULD allow your daughter to go to the funeral and you should attend with her. Secondly you should seek counseling through the school or elsewhere for your daughter to ensure she processes this trauma thoroughly. Keep reassuring her that it in no way is her fault and that no one blames her.
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Big no

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make it totally up to her and if she doesn't know then be super nice to her and tell her to think about it and if she wants to go that she can go.

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fullmetalrulz

are you kidding me your an adult think about your child she may become depressed seeing her best friend getting buried

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And what will she be and for how long if she's not allowed to say goodbye? Seems to me she's already depressed, anyway.
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fullmetalrulz
and i dont care
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Sorry, but nope I'm not kidding you! & yes! I know I am an adult! && that's what I thought I WAS DOING!! (THINKING ABOUT MY CHILD) HAD I NOT BEEN THINKING OF MY CHILD WOULD TAKE TIME TO ASK TOTAL COMPLETE STRANGERS ON ASK.COM ON THE INTERNET SEEKING ADVICE ON WHAT I SHOULD DO IN REGARDS TO MY CHILD & WHAT WOULD BE IN HER BEST INTRANCE!!! But again thank you for asking me more questions than I asked you && for u asking questions we BOTH already knew what the answers were!! This has been a Really fun grammar school flash back! "very childish & immature" lack of expertees & experience!!
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I would allow her to go if she wants to and accompany her for support

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Yes, she should go to the funeral (especially since she wants to). I'm very sorry about all of this. :(

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Thank you very much! : )
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You're welcome. I hope it all goes well. I'll be praying for you guys.
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Yes and d
Send her my love and to the same with the girls family

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Yes of course if she was part of the reason she died and if there's adults. That's so sad.

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For your daughter, I think it is a real need.

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Yes. If she is asking to go it may help her address her feelings of grief.

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if you dont feel comfortable taking her to the funeral it would be good to take her to the gravesite later so she can have time to grieve and say goodbye privately

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Omg yes please let her go and support her the whole way. This is so very sad =[

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Are you religious at all? I would sit her down and explain to her that death is a part of life. (if you believe in heaven) tell her that although her friend may not physically be with her here on earth anymore, she is in a better place. I think even though she's young, it is probably time to teach her about death so that she can fully understand why her friend is no longer here.

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Yes we are very religious! Christians & Baptist! And she has been to funerals before just not anyone her age! And I did sit down with her & told her that this wasn't her fault that this wasn't the first time something like this has happened to her friend! Several cases of child abuse. That she is in a much better place & in great hands. Where she can eat all the candy bars she wants!
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Well, it all over the news and was on Nancy Grace last night. Thr Savannah Hardin Case. The 9 Yr old ran to death by her grandmother for lying to her about eating a Candy bar on the school bus! My daughter was sitting with Savannah on the bus that day and was eating a candy bar as well! There school was doing a fund raiser selling candy bars, the 2 girls had found some that had fallen from another kids box. I joked with my daughter when she got home and told me what her and Savannah had done. Bc my daughter is negitive $20 in her cAndy fund so I laughed n told her the candy bars her and Savsnnah had found probably came from her box! Lol now as the media & news keeps zeroing in on the fact the little girl was punished for eating a candy bar and was killed bc of it I see my daughters heart just break every time knowing she thinks if they wouldn't have eaten the candy bars her friend would still be alive! It's killing me as a mother not to be able to take this pain from my baby!
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I can just imagine what you both are going through. It's so not her fault. They were just being kids. Savannah will never have to suffer any more. I hope your daughter some day will understand it wasn't her fault.
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This is so horrible. I can't see how people can treat their children that way with no remorse for what they're doing to the poor child. Growing up I dealt with similar abuse from my father. It's a miracle I made it through. I think your explanation to your daughter couldn't have been any better. Savanahs story will be plastered all over the media. (and already has bc I heard about it already on the news myself) it's better to hear the genuine truth about it from you so that she can find closure and grieve properly. Good luck with everything, you seem like a great mommy! My Prayers are with you and your community.
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@justadreamer thank you so much!! I really appreciate ur comment! U honestly have no idea just how much that means to me! I also have a 2 yr old LIL girl! & right now I am trying to figure out how to ask another question so it's linked to my first question so that the ppl who has already answer will be able to read n answer my next one!!

The funeral arrangements are not being told! The only thing they've said it that more than likely the funeral will be closed/private funeral! So now what am I to do? I'm thinking the cemetery may be my only option! If u have any suggestions please tell me! Lol thank you
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I think maybe the school could help you organize a small memorial service for your daughter and her other classmates! And then, a private trip to the cemetery with just you and her where she can say her final goodbye is appropriate. It WILL be painful but grief comes in stages and it is very important to allow her to go through them in whatever way they come out and in her own time. It's also important for you to know that not only do all people grieve differently but particularly children manifest grief very differently. Sometimes they appear (on the outside) to be unaffected by it and fine and it may creep out in other more subtle ways. If you can get to your local library and ask for a book on helping you understand how a child grieves it would be very useful to you. There may be times when she becomes more clingy to you or she may regress and start having nightmares or wetting the bed or sucking her thumb, or having trouble getting school work done. Whatever issues arise within the next 6 to 12 months remind yourself to be very patient with her. You still need to have firm rules and appropriate consequences (not having them will actually make her feel LESS safe believe it or not) but if you can think " Firm but Gentle" as a rule of thumb. Example: she starts a fight with another kid on the bus...don't not discipline her but discipline should be logical (make sense for the "crime") and firm as in you're not gonna give in and change your mind but at the same time gentle and loving. So, if that happened I would say "You have to have time alone in your room to think about it and cool off. Then, after I felt she had "cooled off" I would explain why it's not ok and tell her she has to write letters of apology to both the other girl and the bus driver, then I would take her to deliver the note personally to the other girl and go up to the house with her. I would also let her know that if it happened again, the next time she would have all that PLUS be grounded for two wks...That's just an example of a scenario.
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Oh!! I just thought of another idea for you!! Sometimes, when someone dies it helps a child to have hope if something living is dedicated to the memory of that person! If the children did a collection to buy a tree and an engraved plaque to have planted at the school in her honor it is both a very nice gesture and a way for them to feel like they are "doing something" for her (even though it is really for them-the living) I did this for my old boss whose husband died an untimely and tragic death in his 30's. I had a flowering sapling planted at her church (I arranged it with her pastor) and a plaque put at the base in his honor. A flowering tree is especially nice because each Spring when it blooms again it reminds everyone of the new Hope that comes with it. It's good that you're raising her in Christ. You can tell her that her earthly parents did a bad job so now she gets to be with our PERFECT Heavenly Father and He has he in perfect happiness now and someday she will see her and play with her again for all eternity!
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Yes, she needs to be able to say goodbye. If she doesn't have that chance, it will haunt her. An eight-year-old knows death is forever, but you need to help her to see that it's not something to whisper about and protect her from. Give her the dignity of being there.

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Yes send her,.thats very sad...how can an 8 yr old be the reason this kid died?..I'm confused by your description?

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Yes. And I would add that you should be sure she has counseling available to her. A child her age does not need to feel responsible in anyway for the death of another child. My guess is she had absolutely no part in it.

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That is a terrible situation...I would think your daughter would be traumatized by the whole situation..and seeing her friend dead in a casket might make the trauma worse..or it could be a healthy thing for your daughters coping with the tragedy...it is like a catch 22 situation...I say Do What YOU thing is Right for her..and I hope after the funeral your daughter see's some kind of Therapist to make sure she is not scarred mentally in any way...just my opinion...Good Luck...

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I with you! I say no wake, casket! Her best friend killed... She feel like she could have prevented it? Seeing her dead? I'm going with no! Not needed!!!
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I have to agree. 8 is awful young.
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What I am so angry about is, how anyone could blame this child. She is a child! This whole thing is so senseless. Eating candy is not a capitol crime! My God! What were these people thinking?
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Firstly, something concerns me about the wording in your question ; "the punishment that led to her death"...what does that mean? Did her parents "punish" her for something in such an extreme manner as to kill her????

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That's exactly what I thought... Do other people blame this little girl now? More info needed...
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Read the comment on the first or second post. Yes, that's pretty much what happened. The mom and grandma ( I think) made her run for like 3 hrs. Straight as a punishment.
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I know! I really wish she would reply with the answer to that because the details of this situation matter alot in how it will affect her daughter psychologically!!
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Well, it all over the news and was on Nancy Grace last night. Thr Savannah Hardin Case. The 9 Yr old ran to death by her grandmother for lying to her about eating a Candy bar on the school bus! My daughter was sitting with Savannah on the bus that day and was eating a candy bar as well! There school was doing a fund raiser selling candy bars, the 2 girls had found some that had fallen from another kids box. I joked with my daughter when she got home and told me what her and Savannah had done. Bc my daughter is negitive $20 in her cAndy fund so I laughed n told her the candy bars her and Savsnnah had found probably came from her box! Lol now as the media & news keeps zeroing in on the fact the little girl was punished for eating a candy bar and was killed bc of it I see my daughters heart just break every time knowing she thinks if they wouldn't have eaten the candy bars her friend would still be alive! It's killing me as a mother not to be able to take this pain from my baby!
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OMG fdabroncos- I found teh answer under "Hot Pink's" comment!! It's horrible!!!!
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Lord, that is terrible. Poor precious girl.
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Yes u should

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Ask her

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Mycatlovesme15

Yes because it would be nice to let her say good bye even tho her best friend is dead


I feel so sorry for your daughter

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Well, it all over the news and was on Nancy Grace last night. The Savannah Hardin Case. The 9 Yr old ran to death by her grandmother for lying to her about eating a Candy bar on the school bus! My daughter was sitting with Savannah on the bus that day and was eating a candy bar as well! There school was doing a fund raiser selling candy bars, the 2 girls had found some that had fallen from another kids box. I joked with my daughter when she got home and told me what her and Savannah had done. Bc my daughter is negitive $20 in her cAndy fund so I laughed n told her the candy bars her and Savsnnah had found probably came from her box! Lol now as the media & news keeps zeroing in on the fact the little girl was punished for eating a candy bar and was killed bc of it I see my daughters heart just break every time knowing she thinks if they wouldn't have eaten the candy bars her friend would still be alive! It's killing me as a mother not to be able to take this pain from my baby!
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Mycatlovesme15
Ik I just heard it
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Yes. She should go. Don't let her think it was her fault though. By "she ran to her death" what does that mean?

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see comment under "hot pink"'s reply above (omg! It's horrible!)
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Well, it all over the news and was on Nancy Grace last night. Thr Savannah Hardin Case. The 9 Yr old ran to death by her grandmother for lying to her about eating a Candy bar on the school bus! My daughter was sitting with Savannah on the bus that day and was eating a candy bar as well! There school was doing a fund raiser selling candy bars, the 2 girls had found some that had fallen from another kids box. I joked with my daughter when she got home and told me what her and Savannah had done. Bc my daughter is negitive $20 in her cAndy fund so I laughed n told her the candy bars her and Savsnnah had found probably came from her box! Lol now as the media & news keeps zeroing in on the fact the little girl was punished for eating a candy bar and was killed bc of it I see my daughters heart just break every time knowing she thinks if they wouldn't have eaten the candy bars her friend would still be alive! It's killing me as a mother not to be able to take this pain from my baby!
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The grandmothers punishment was making the girl run around there house for 3 hours straight until she was literally lifeless!
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that's horrible!
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How was your daughter responsible her death?!

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that's what I think needs to be clarified....she said "part of the reason she was PUNISHED THAT LED TO HER DEATH"!!! What does that mean? Did the parents of the dead girl "punish"/abuse her and caused her to die??? It makes a difference as to who will be at the funeral, if everyone at the funeral is going to somehow blame this 8 yr. old...etc. etc. we need more details!!!
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omg!!! look at her reply under "hotpink"'s comment! The story is there!
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NOT RESPONSIBLE / INVOLVED!!!!!!

Well, it all over the news and was on Nancy Grace last night. Thr Savannah Hardin Case. The 9 Yr old ran to death by her grandmother for lying to her about eating a Candy bar on the school bus! My daughter was sitting with Savannah on the bus that day and was eating a candy bar as well! There school was doing a fund raiser selling candy bars, the 2 girls had found some that had fallen from another kids box. I joked with my daughter when she got home and told me what her and Savannah had done. Bc my daughter is negitive $20 in her cAndy fund so I laughed n told her the candy bars her and Savsnnah had found probably came from her box! Lol now as the media & news keeps zeroing in on the fact the little girl was punished for eating a candy bar and was killed bc of it I see my daughters heart just break every time knowing she thinks if they wouldn't have eaten the candy bars her friend would still be alive! It's killing me as a mother not to be able to take this pain from my baby!
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Yes. She needs her closure just as much as anyone does. I'm so sorry for her friend death. I hope your daughter doesn't feel any quilt about her friend. When someone I love passes away I take one red rose to put in the casket to say I love you. You might let her do something like that. Take care and God Bless.
I just read the article. How sad. I'm glad the law isn't going easy on them. Heaven just got a new angel

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Thank for the info. That is beyond sad. Yes, of course she should go! She is not responsible for anything leading to this... They are babies. Omg, this is so sad.
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I thinking if by some weird chance the media is there I don't think she should go. Sometimes the media can be heartless just to get a story. Hard choice for Mom to make.
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Linda, I'm wondering if they could celebrate her another way? Plant a tree , make scrapbook? This might be way too much to go to the wake, see her dead! I'm thinking memorial service .... No casket? She's so young and this so intense on every level..
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It be nice if the school could plant a tree for her. This has got to hard on a lot of kids that knew her. She didn't die in an accident or illness. Her own family killed her. I'm wondering if any of her other friends will be at the funeral. It's a sad situation all over. I wish the mother could give us an update on what happened. A tree or a scrapbook will be nice.
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I'm thinking, don't let her go, unless it's mass, memorial service..personally, the last thing this baby needs to see is a casket of her little friend. I know others disagree! I wouldn't want that to be the last memory of her. Poor little thing. So sad. Hope she does ok. It's a crazy world L!
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Yes, a little boy about 7 just passed away about a week ago at my school.. It helped for the kids to go to the funeral..

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I would let her go but you go with her. This will be very difficult for her but she needs to have her goodbye.

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I'm sad for your daughter, this is very unsettling! Why are you making a point of mentioning her being a reason for the death? I can't answer without knowing the entire story.

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Google the name Savanngh Hardin. It tells how she died. So sad.
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I'm sorry. Her name Savannah.
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Thanks I!! I will ! I appreciate knowing,I was very upset by this.
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Omg! Oh no!
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Bc of the reason my daughter may or may not blame her self or think there was something she could've done to prevent what happened!
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Aww.. No! She had nothing to do with this! She's a baby! She has to know this! How the he$$ do you explain this to a 9 year old.??? I hate to say this but I might not let her go, this is horrible, I can see how you are on the fence. I'm wondering if seeing her at the wake is the best way to remember her friend ? I'm sorry, I don't want to go against all the others, but I'm thinking you could go the service, not the wake? Maybe plant a tree in the yard, make scrapbook memories... A personal memorial ?
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You have some good ideas Bubblious. Not an easy place to be at for little girl. Just two girls having fun. I just hope kids at school don't blame her. Course they don't understand the whole story. Sounds like the law not going to be easy on the stepmother and grandmother. They shouldn't be. .
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This is unbelievable! What a tragedy. I think the kids will be fine, the only problem is, you know one of them is going to regurgitate what an ignorant parent is gossiping. Here's another twist... If she doesn't go, you know someone is going to talk...I say protect her, leave her home, go to memorial, mass, whatever.
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I have to agree about the casket. That might be hard for her to see her friend laying there. It's hard for an adult. Maybe the services but not walk up to casket. This is a hard one for her Mom. She wants to protect her child and I'm guessing that's why she's asking for help.
I left you a comment under my name.
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Thanks L!!
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My son is a Medical Examiner and sees too much child abuse. We don't hear about them very often. Once in awhile one will get on the news but not often enough. One time he had 3 come in one week. In this case when it's a step mother and grandmother you wonder why didn't one stop the other. And that poor little girl kept running out of fear and now she's gone. A tree in her name would be nice. I hope the school encourages something. I want her friends to only have good memories of her. To remember all the laughing and giggling they were doing on the bus eating the candy bars. Hope she remembers the fun.
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Awww.. I just got chills.. Yeah I think she can make it through if they know what she can handle. She's probably so confused. I thought i heard the mother of the victim gave birth today. You're son must see it all. The worst part is these kids are always the quiet well behaved ones. I don't get the grandmother/mother thing either. How the he$$ did she make her run nonstop for 3 hours ? It doesn't make sense. Ugh!!
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I heard the step mother gave birth also. Poor baby. Not a very good welcome to the world for it. Yes my son sees it all. I don't know how he does it. He just says someone has too. It be nice if we could get a follow up on the little girl. You know how she doing? Amazing how on ask that once in awhile something like this comes through and just grabs your heart. It's not that we're being nosy it's just that we care. Sure she's going be ok. I don't know how the grandmother could just watch her run like that. Just sickens me. I've got grand kids and I hear stuff like this how abusive the grandparent was well I just don't get it. Heaven help anyone that hurts mine.
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So glad I've found a few good people who actually cares!! It's really nice to know there are still kind, genuine & compassionate people out there. In this day & time finding them is almost impossible. So thank you both very much for your kind words, advice & encouragement. I also wanted to update you on our situation my daughter Adelyn (friend of Savannah) is doing really good... The arrangments for the funeral were not released to the public. It only said it would most likely be private and closed. So that's where we are regarding the funeral. My daughter has talked with her councilor's at her school several times as a group & individually. After school when she wants to we talk about how her day went, how she felt and what her & her councilor's/teachers discussed. I thought she might have a few problems in the beginning bc she would get angry when she would over hear me or her NaNa "my mom" talking about the accident, but it was only bc all day long at school that's all she hears & is constantly reminded of. She just wants to get back to being a kid not having any cares or worry's! "who can blame her? Right?" Everyday she seems to be more accepting of the fact her friend is not coming back. She still asks me why her mommy? I just tell her baby God probably knew what kinda horrible home life she had & saw how she was being mistreated & so he decided she'd be much better off in heaven with him where she will never be hurt or suffer again. Then the more difficult questions start like but mom he's God he can do anything right? I say yes you are right. She says so why did he have to take her? He could have just done something else like changed where she was living or went back live with her mom in Florida, he could've done a lot of other things besides taking her away. Only thing I could think to say to her was baby I know u miss her & we all want her back here with us but we dont always understand why things happen. We just have to trust & believe that God does. & mommy don't always know the answers. Update cont. 1
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You're answers to your daughter's questions are perfect. You are doing an excellent job. I would emphasize what you hinted at already when the "why" questions come and she points out that God can do anything...I would say "You're right, God CAN do anything! And He gave each of us free will. That means that we are humans with choices to make good and bad. if we didn't have that we would all be like robots or puppets doing what He made us do and He doesn't want that, He wants us to WANT to choose the right thing and to choose to love Him and others and live with Him and His Love in our hearts. It's like this: If you had a good friend and you wanted so badly to play with her and talk with her and spend time with her but she didn't want to but her mom made her anyway..wouldn't it be crummy and not the same as if she CHOSE to be with you because she liked you so much too??? It's the same with people and God. God was hoping Savannah's family would make better choices but they weren't. God knows what's best for Savannah and He took her so that she is in perfect peace and joy with Him now. He knows it makes her friends sad and that makes Him sad too because He loves His children! But He also must've known that Savannah's Mom, or foster care would've been worse for her or He wouldn't have taken her. She probably was crying out for Him to take her and He rescued her so she wouldn't hurt anymore in her body or her heart! Encourage her to keep "talking to God" about her feelings about Him taking Savannah and show her examples in the Bible where men and women who were Godly people called out in confusion and sometimes even anger to God because God is a loving God and understands she has all these "mixed-up feelings" right now.
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Great answers! It sounds like you are on the right road, sorry I didn't respond earlier, this question was lost to me : (. So glad to hear you are finding ways to help her get quickly back to childhood.. Where she belongs. I thought about this story a lot. Some people go off the deep end.. No one can explain it. Regardless of the outcome, this mom will be on earth in a nightmare. I can't imagine. I get saddened Just thinking about all of it. Take care... And please get us updated via comments on other answers! < 3
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Btw ... That was beautiful, what you told your daughter , I would copy this ^^^ and save it!!
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I agree with everyone else. I guess I would wonder why you wouldn't want her to go. I know she's young and this whole thing is very sad, but death is a part of life.

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I'm not sure where everyone is assuming I dont want her to go but it never says that anywhere! I do want her to go & think she should if she wants to! The reason I posted this question is bc my husband disagrees and says she doesn't need to see all that! I don't agree with him at all!
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I think it's something to consider... I'm wondering if seeing her dead might be too much? This is really hard...
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u gotta, it is important to her

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Yes.

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Absolutely, death is something that happens life. Let her go

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If it's her choice, yes. Especially if she is feeling guilty or responsible.. See to it that she receives professional counselling asap!

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Frenchbulldogs13

Yes she might feel better about it

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Yes u should..... Hope she ends up coping well :,(

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You know the maturity level of your daughter best My personal experience is to say that she can go and use this event as a learning experience about life and death.

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Yes,you should let her to go to the funeral.Friendship never breaks after death too............

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I wouldn't let her go, I would wait until after the funeral and burial and take her to the cemetery and let her say her good-byes there. This is a terrible situation and I would want to lessen any damage that could be done to my child, by angry adults.

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Ur right. Angry adults may be present, but one would hope they'd keep such feelings hidden at the young girl's funeral. I believe, though, that if the friend is old enough to have the feelings she has regarding the loss of her friend to such horror, she is mature enough to attend the funeral of her friend. This, of course, does not mean she has to be there through the entire ceremony, obviously. There's only one funeral, the gravesite will always be there.
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Good point Ken, but we all know, sometimes Adults act more like children then kids do. Thanks
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Yes because its never too late to say goodbye

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My 6 year old daughter lost her friend right before Christmas. I know darlin what y'all are going through and it's heartbreaking. Take her to say good-bye. It will help with some closure.

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You should definitely allow her to go to the funeral

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GabbiGTS

Well, personally, seeing your best friend being buried is tough. I would explain that she goes to heaven, and her spirit will be free, all that stuff. If she is very mature she might be able to handle it, but even I wouldn't want to see my friend buried. Maybe a wake would be better? If the family has one, of course. I just find it easier to handle, and it is a lovely way to remember and love your daughter's friend. But ultimately, you should make the decision based on all the info you have received. BTW, I am so sorry for your daughter's loss. Good Luck.

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You can but if you do make sure you go with her

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But I will pray for her
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yes

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you should

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i would say yes but i would prepare her for what she may see and do not make a big deal about it

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Talk to her mom about her going and
make sure she will be able to handle it. Hope this helps!

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Yes and tell her that death is a part of life....Be sure to explain this to her where she can understand it....

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The funeral is a way of giving closure to your daughter, a "last goodbye" if you will. I hope whoever committed this atrocity is.

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snb2017

yes...one last goodbye...

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yes but i think she should have you beside her

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So sad.. God bless our children

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wow thats sad and yes u shuld let her go it was her friend :)

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