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Can someone tell me a hilarious joke?

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Three guys are stranded on an island they find a magic lamp so they have three wishes the first guy wishes to go home to his family poof he was home the the second guy said he wishes he can go home to his family poof he was gone then the third guy said i dont have a family or a home i wish i had my friends back.

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That would be my luck:-)
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george1138
Boo!
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There are many hilarious jokes around and they include "Garry, It's the 5th time you're late to work this week!" blasted the Boss," Do you know what that means?" "Probably that it's Friday..?".

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i was born in mexico and rased in eraq wtf

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elkhorn1477

Two guys are a sitting in a bar, the bartender comes up to them and asks if they could help the guy at the end bar home. The bartender says he only lives across the street but he has had too much to drink. The two guys say sure will help him. They go up to the end of the bar and try to help the guy off the bar stool but he falls to the ground. They try picking up several times but he keeps falling, so they decide to carry him across the street to his house. When they get across the street they ring the doorbell and the drunk guys wife answers the door. The two guys tell her that here is your husband. He had too much to drink so we carried him home.

She says "Thank you, but where is his wheel chair".

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A guy jumps out of an airplane and pulls the rip cord on his chute, but nothing happens. As he is descending he pulls it again and again, but still nothing. He pulls the emergency chute chord and nothing, so he begins to panickwhile pulling on all the rip chords!!!

All of the sudden an old lady flies up from the ground right beside him. He YELLS as loud as he can "Hey lady do you anything about parachutes?" She says "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?"

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george1138
Not funny.
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elkhorn1477
OK, how about this one?

Thank You, Dear!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up from her knitting she says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
She smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket," the driver responds.
His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And, as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
(Wait for it ..... )

"Only when he's been drinking, officer."
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george1138
I've heard versions of that before, but yours is the longest.
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george1138

A woman named PATRICIA WACK got a job as a bank teller. On her first day a man came in and said, "How do you do, Ms. Wack? I'm Mr. JAGGER."
"'Jagger'?" she asked. "Are you related to MICK Jagger?"
"Yes," he said. "He's me FATHER."
"Well what can I do for you?" Patricia asked.
"I'd like to take out a LOAN to buy a new car," he said.
"Have you any collateral?" She asked.
"I have this," he said, holding up a solid gold ASHTRAY.
"Well," Pat said, "We'll need the manager's approval."
So she called in the manager, who examined the ashtray, nodded, and said...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Wack. Give this pog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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elkhorn1477
this was the suckiest joke in the 70's and it still is!
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george1138
How about this one...

Three guys are standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells the first guy, "You can't come into Heaven! You love nothing but liquor! You even married a woman names "Brandy'!"
Then he tells the second guy, "You can't come into Heaven! You love nothing but money! You even married a woman names "Penny'!"
So the third guy says, "I guess I can't come into Heaven either. I married a woman named "Fanny'."
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I can,but then mods will take it away

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