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I know it's long but PLEASE read and help

five years ago, the day after my eighth birthday I was mad at my mom and told her I hated her. the next morning I found my dad crying in the living room and he said "mommy left and isn't coming back". I saw her every Thursday at my grandmas house and eventually she stopped showing up. last year I called my grandparents and asked if I could go to their house (I haven't seen them since the year after my mom left) and they said "no, life's been better without you" and hung up. i don't see or hear from any of my moms side of the family and haven't for four years. over the years I found out that my mom cheated on my dad and lied about going to work (she was seeing her secret boyfriend when she was supposed to be at work) and had a baby with that man (the baby is my half brother who I have seen once when he was one and he is now six years old) she took all of my college money and my dads retirement money and left us with nothing. when we were on vacation she used her key and came into our house to take "her" things and money. she left my half brothers father and is with another man. in court she didn't fight for me, she only wanted the money. and more things that I don't wish to post publicly as they are very emotional and I'm just not comfortable saying. ever since this happened I've been depressed and very emotional, have cut myself and thought of suicide many times (my boyfriend talked me out of it every time). I feel like its my fault and I feel unwanted and unloved. I can't trust anyone and have a fear of being alone and left. is there someone I can see (cheap because we are very poor) to help me before I kill myself? PLEASE help, I can't think straight because I can't forget that tragedy. please.

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ok we need to talk. i'm here for you plus i won't charge you anything:) you need to stop blaming yourself for your mother's stupid decisions she's made. there are many reasons why you should stay on this earth. you are loved. i know you don't feel like it but just because some of your relatives are being jerks doesn't mean that you are any less valuable.

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Thank you so much. It really means a lot to me.
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if you need to talk just tell me. i'm here:)
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Good answer Geek.
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@florabellehayes thx :)
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yea. one of my friends is kind of in the same boat. when she was like 5, her stepmom was terrible to her and she ended up putting her hands around my friend's throat and forced her to say "I hate you" to her stepmom. then her mom went to her dad and told him she was leaving beacuse his daughter hated her. until a few years back she believed that she was the reason her mom left. it wasn't true, obviously but her mother just used her as an excuse to leave.
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Don't kill yourself. See a therapist. Suicide is an awful idea. See a therapist and you will get better.

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I feel I need a therapist but we can't afford it, we can barely afford food and clothing and a roof over our heads.
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Im sorry. Try talking to someone on your dads side of the family?
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I'm sure the cheating was going on b4 so don't worry it's not yur fault at least ur dad is there for you.

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I'm sure she was, but I feel she was cheating and being like that because of something I did :$
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Children are never the reason why people cheat..It happens for many reasons, but never a child.
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I'm gonna put it out there. Your mom wasn't a good person. She cheated on your dad and left after you said you hated her to make you feel bad. Her parents, (your grandparents) are rude people or maybe but ashamed of what they're daughter did. You don't need to feel like it's your fault, because it's not in any way. If you cut and have been thinking about suicide seriously, I can't stretch how much I feel you need to receive therapy. Don't let your mom ruin your life even more. Please know it's not your fault and get some therapy.

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Thank you so much. I truly appreciate every word of that. I just...I can't afford a therapist and neither can my dad. I feel I need one because my feelings aren't normal for a thirteen year old girl.
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Try to find one. Tell them your situation. Tell her you can't afford them. If the therapist cares about there job and decency, they may give you a discount, or for free. But if that doesn't work out, please never hurt yourself. You don't owe your mom it. You don't even owe her the thought. I'll be praying for you.
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Thank you again, I will definitely look into it.
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Your welcome. Good luck
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Therapists, like most people in the world don't work because they are out to help the world....that is just the way it is. They work for a living. That's why they choose the field of expertise. This doesn't make them heartless, just realistic.
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All I'm saying is that nobody wants a life lost because of them
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It not BECAUSE of them .. It never BECAUSE of them. The therapist is not the problem.
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Ya, but turning them down doesn't look good. I mean, the least she can do is try.
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In a perfect world, perhaps .... This is far from a perfect world. Business done by Pro Bono is pretty rare.
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Please don't kill yourself, I don't know of any physiological help but your not a bad person and stop cutting. Your beautiful (:

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Thank you for your honest opinion, it's very much appreciated. Thank you.
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Your mom was a bi-atch. Sounds like she deserved you hating her.

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Please get help. There are a lot of free resources out there for you from teen hotlines, anxiety hotlines, suicide hotlines, school counselors, church pastors and such. You also need to know and realize it's not your fault that your mom cheated on your dad, it's not your fault she left. I will keep you in my prayers and please please get help

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Thank you very much. I really appreciate every word of that. It's just hard, you know? I'll look into help and talk to my boyfriend more as he seems to calm me and make me feel better. Thank you.
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I know it's hard, I hope you can get thru it and if you ever want to talk I will be happy to talk to you if it helps
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Hello, you are contemplating suicide, please don't. Your life has value, and I'd like you to keep it. I know things are really tough right now, but you cannot do anything to fix it, and that's a harsh reality. You should stop cutting as well, as you will regret that one day. What you need to do is find a good friend and begin talking to them about the issues, they may be able to help you feel better at times. I am that person for my friends. If you'd like to talk to me about it, you can just comment back. I'm free and willing to talk, as long as you promise not to take your life.

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Thank you sooo much. I will definitely talk to some friends and see what they say, if I don't find the right one I will be back and talk to you. Thank you.
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No problem!
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Awww :( I feel so bad for you I wanna CRY (seriously) it sound like your boyfriend is really nice! and please don't kill yourself! Stick with us! Persevere to the end and don't give up! It seems like you need god. He can whipe your tears away and make you feel AMAZING! And the best part is.... He's free!!

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Thank you soo much (and sorry for making you want to cry, really) and thanks for the advice.
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No problem!! I'm so happy you asked! I wouldn't want you to have been alone!
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Listen it isnt your fault your mother has some mental illness and is being very heartless I think you could talk to a school counselor or you could go to a church of some kind I believe the offer help please dont hurt yourself you are important to this world and have a boyfriend that loves you

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Thank you so much for the kind words and the advice.
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Ur very welcome please don't feel the need to hurt yourself if u ever need someone to vent to I'm here
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your just being to hard on your self

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Pj47

A'll im going to say is don't do it. I know it's hard, i've had problems not similar to yours but just as worse, and I haven't given in. Im almost 15 and i can say It's not worth it. You don't realize how much your father(and other people) love you, and you should be thankful for that. Just please don't take your life, I don't even know you, but I know you deserve to live.

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Thank you so much, the fact that a complete stranger would say that makes me feel so much better, it's just hard, you know?
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There are many places that will help! There are counselors at your school of course, there are hotlines to call and talk to and they will get you in touch with places, get involved Ina girls or boys club you need a big sister! Also call your towns baptist center they have great counselors FAMilY counselors because I guarantee your dad would love to join you because he is hurtin as well. They are wonderful an only charge maybe $10. I
Am so sorry about what has happened to your family but this is your mom's mess not yours. Please don't take this burden on your own. If something were to happen to you then your dad would be heartbroken .

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Thank you do much for the tips and options, I will look into it ASAP.
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I don't think it was your fault, your mom is who she is and you cannot change that so don't blame yourself, be grateful for what you have and that should be your father there are many kids in this world that grow up with their father only...cheer up that lady is not worth it at all

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Thanks, I really appreciate your honest opinion.
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First of all, I'm so sorry. Second of have you thought about seeing a therapist? It might help. You can always talk to your boyfriend or dad too. No offense but I think your mother needs help. How could she just leave her child. I've told my parents I hated them a million times. But they knew I really loved them and I was just mad. Your mom seems cruel for taking your things and all your money. I know this sounds wrong but have you thought of sueing her? You could get your stuff back. Your case is solid. But that won't bring you closer to your mom. Hope this helps a little. But if you just want your family back, try telling them that.

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Thank you soooo much, it really means a lot to me. My mom paid child support for a while and in total I got $6.08 (six dollars and eight cents) from her. I would sue her but I don't have it in me, I have gone without seeing her for five years and I didn't even get to say goodbye, I just can't sue her after all this time, it's not in me. Thank you very much for all the tips and advice and kind words, it means a lot to me.
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I know I'm your age and my if my mom had done this to me I would probably feel the same as you. And your welcome(: I really hope you get better and your family and you come to good terms.
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Try to find your mom and talk to her about how u feel hope it helps good luck stay strong

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Thanks, my dad won't let me see her, I've asked for visitation rights but my dad won't let me and I'm only thirteen.
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Your dad is doing what's best for you
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There is still much life to live. I believe you (given what you have been through) can make your own life better. Although it will help talking to someone, finding your own happy place will be quite beneficial. You can't control what the world throws at you but you can choose what to do. unfortunately, at times picking the better of the two evils will have to do for the time being.

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Thanks, I really appreciate your opinion and tips.
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hunny, I understand how you feel because I've experienced a very similar situation when I was younger, as I've grown I've realized it wasn't my fault... and this isn't yours either... people make the decisions they do for whatever reasons they think are best, and most of the time don't think of anyone but themselves... in your situation, I can tell you your mother loved you, she most likely thinks about you every night before she goes to sleep and regrets her decision but knows its too late to correct it... and your grandparents most likely only said that to you because every time they look at you they think of how their child messed up and how you must feel and probably don't want to deal with the guilt... not one bit of that is your fault, and never will be no matter what anyone says... and if you have health insurance you should be able to see a therapist... keep your chin up hunny!

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Thank you so much, you don't know what that means to me, I REALLY appreciate every word of that. God bless you for helping a stranger in need. Thank you so much. I will deffinatly look into help.
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your so welcome, I know how it feels to have no one to talk to or at least it seems that way and you feel almost desperate for compassion... remember, your father and your boyfriend both love you and care enough about you to not leave you through your toughest times and give you the compassion your searching for... and don't end your life, because you'd be doing what your mother did to you to your father and boyfriend and everyone that loves you, except it'd be worse, because they'd know there's no chance of you ever coming back... and be strong, don't let people's bad choices bring you down, now and in the future... I promise it'll get better if you be strong...
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Bless you my child and you can get help just by walking into your local County Mental Health offices -- or you could go the the Emergency room and tell them that you need a doctor to talk to and they will help you -- Now of that id your fault and though it is part of your life -- it is others lives and they have to live with it and it will come back and bust them --- So all that is in the past -- today id today and tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life -- make the best of it sweetie -- be strong and hold your head high and look forward and not back - Bless you and Pray ..

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Thank you very much, it means a lot to me to hear what you have to say, thank you.
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Hi Alva-my heart is broken for her. I wish I could take it all away so she can have the life she deserves. You gave wonderful advice.
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Thank you sweetie and me too and it is all a crying shame - poor child .
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Anytime and glad to help - stay in contact banana250 and you always have friends in the ASK community --- be strong - God Bless in all your endeavors and good luck .
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Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it over and over again while SCREAMING into the pillow. Do this for like 5 mins then grab a red pen and scribble all over the paper pretend it is blood. This makes me feel better when I start to want to kill myself.

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Please seek help..You should not have those thoughts dear. God guide you.I care.
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That is what I do, and it does help... and thank you!
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I am wondering what is so bad in your young life that you would kill youself answerseeker?

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I suffer from horrible depression. And have been through allot.
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I do also. I have no reason to tho,.,I have been blessed with a wonderful family.I believe it is in the genes for most people.My mom, sis, and aunt all had /have it. The one thing missing in the young [where depressions is big time] is there is no God in their lives. Continue to seek help and meds..Prayer too, is powerful..I care.
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Thank you that is comforting to know someone cares.
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YW but many here care and they do not even know you:) There is love in the world banana...All you have to do is look around dear hugs!!
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sorry..meant answer....duh lol
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haha thank you.
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lol.... long day hahaha
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Has for me too I am 14 hours away from my house at a debate conference. Me and my debate partner can in 2nd in the whole conference and there were over 100 debate pairs! I am looking forward to going home now...
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wow!! !CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!! I was always called to debate in school because I always had an opinion and I let it out hahaha
Bet you are tired.. You sound like you have plenty to keep you busy..:)
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Yeah I do and THANKS!
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Okay first please dont kill yourself life is worth living no matter what talk to your boyfriend a bit more mabe he will help you more your dad loves you, you are probably his life if you killed yourself he would feel really bad and sad he would be so lonley.

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Thank you so much for your honest opinion.
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Oh my dear, it was never, never your fault. While a stupid adolescent I told both of my parents I hated them. They just laughed at me and said not to be ridiculous. You didn't make your mother cheat, lie and steal from you and your father. That's on her. Your grandparents not wishing to see you is again not on you, it's on them. None of this is your fault or responsibility. Please get counseling with a professional. Your bf sounds like a stand up guy and a keeper. Killing yourself is never an option. She sounds like a selfish, abusive person. You don't need to physically hit a child to be emotionally abusive. It is a good thing you are not under her influence. You don't say much about your father, but, it seems he was there for you. Her actions are not his fault or responsibility either. Lean on those in your life who were/are there for you and let everything else go. Good luck, young lady. My prayers are with you. Blessed Be.

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Thank you so very much, I appreciate every word of that SO much, I will talk to my dad and boyfriend more as they help a lot and are supportive. Thank you once again.
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You are so welcom, banana250, I'm glad you have the support of your father and boyfriend. Again Good Luck. PS I like banana250 as a moniker.
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Dear Banana..I am very sorry for your troubles first ..

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your mom had her problems before you were even born. She does have issues.
You and your dad are blessed to love and respect one another.
What you need to do is call one of many organizations that can advise and guide you.
Call the suicide Prevention organization..Or 911 to connect you to the group. They also can advise you with other places to seek help.
Thank your boyfriend for being there for you! He is right. Hurting yourself etc is no answer and solves nothing but added pain to dad, and those who love you a lot.
Many families are dysfunctional as is your mom's.
You seem to be in depression, which is treatable with meds .
All the help you need is out there ..Especially with your financial issues.
please seek help, know you are loved and these things happen to many families. ..and remember, God your maker is trusting on you to take care of yourself since he created you and loves you so much that he gave his only son to save us all. God bless dear. You will be fine if you believe you are not alone AND YOU ARE NOT , NOR YOUR DAD, GUILTY OF ANYTHING.

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Thank you very very much, I appreciate it soo much. Thank you. I promise to make the best of life and to try to forget the past, it's just hard sometimes, you know?
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Life is not easy especially at your age under your family conditions. You really are not the blame for the divorce or family issues. We all say things like you did when we are young...A good mother always forgives and knows it is kid talk. You mom needs to seek help .She has some serious issues. Her life is surrounded by material things and that is a sickness banana.
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if you're in school, guidance counselors ARE there for you. kids don't understand that. if you're not in school, you can visit with a pastor at a local church or if you attend church. my youth pastor while I was in high school and school counselors helped me a lot. I know life gets tough, just try and talk to somebody, suicide isn't the answer. god has a purpose for you. I promise!!!

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Thank you so much, I really appreciate every word of that.
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call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Don't give up. Life is too fragile. I promise things will get better. Much love and prayers<3

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Thank you soo much, I will be calling to seek help, thank you.
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You're welcome sweetie
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You are a human being so don't ever get mad at yourself and don't suicide you are beautiful

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Thank you so very much.
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Banana250 I believe you are a great person and you're very open to receive guidance. Don't turn to destructive behavior and compromise living in guilt for the rest of your life. You are very strong but you're letting what you said years ago affect the relationships your in now. Be optimistic and forgiving to yourself and others. We all make faults and many times what we say at a moment we regret as we speak and I believe you have a true love for your mom. I want you to have a strong heart and I want you to pray for unity in your family. With you you can bring your family back together but what would they do without you and yes even if they avoid you they still have a love for you. It all starts with your heart and if your desire is to have a bonded family again your attitude, actions, & control over your thoughts are going to be the things that drive you all into it making it happen. But without the right driving forces how do you expect to go anywhere? I believe in you banana250 for restoring your family and you need to always remember that joy is a decision.

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Thank you SO much, that meant a lot I me. It brought tears to my eyes, I appreciate every word of this and I can promise you that I will look into help and will pray every day for my family and myself and people like you who have a good true heart. Thank you.
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No problem, have a happy day
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There is therapeutic help you can find through public health office or community action center office that is literally free if charge if your dad qualifies low income wise. Your mom doesn't define the person you become, you do. So stand up and take care of yourself. Your mom is lseriously dis-functional and you need to rise above that. You can be angry at her and pity her for being pathetic as a mom, but you can choose to focus on the father that is strong and courageous in raising you on his own, that's who you want to help define the person you become. He is the successful parent you should follow. Why let someone who is lost lead your way into the future. She may not be the mom you needed or the mom you wanted, but she's the one you got. Accept that she can't help herself and help yourself instead. you won't regret success through determination to overcome obstacles. your 13 you could have 80 plus years ahead to make a great life. give it a chance. you will become a mother one day and then you will pour out the love you never had from your own mother. by then your mother might be grown up enough to actually want you in her life for her grandchild. at that full circle point you can resolve a lot. give it a chance.

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Issues of abandonment cut deep. There is no question that what you are feeling is real and justified. I'm so sorry that you have had to endure such a sad life story.

But...there is hope. Identify that it is what it is .. And make some hard and logical choices on how you want to deal with it. Pull your strength from the positive aspects of your life. I know you may not feel it, but do you know how fortunate you are? To have a father, for one.. Who has also experienced complete devastation...but kept it together... For YOU. I'm sure he has done a lot for you. This is the time when you stand and count the blessings you have been fortunate enough to have had.

Some day, when you have a family of your own ... It will be up to you to make better choices than you mother did. You, by her example will know all the things NOT to do.

Best of luck to you and your family.

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Please, don't kill yourself! I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but you have a lot to live for. Your dad needs you, your boyfriend loves you, and you are an amazing person! When you told your mom you hated her, you were young & upset. You made a mistake, but that doesn't mean it's your fault your mom left. Your mom has a lot of problems. None of her junk is your fault.
The stuff you're having to deal with right now is hard, I know. But, God put you here for a purpose. Who knows? Some time, down the road, someone who's going through a rough time will have you to lean on & talk to because you have survived! You will survive & thrive! Don't quit! You want to live! You are loved! You are important! You are beautiful!
Jesus thought you were worth dying for; so, please cry to Jesus! He will give you hope! He will show you all you have to live for!
Trust me, I've known rock bottom. I know how it feels to have nothing left, nowhere to go, nothingness. And now, I know love & hope & joy. Jesus saved me & brought me into life!
Pray to Jesus. Just talk to Him.
I'm gonna pray for you by username. I'm gonna pray for you as often as I possibly can. (:

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you are a great person jmarie19 may god bless u
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Thank you. I'm just here to be God's witness. God is the awesome One. I just want to help.
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see a theripist do not commit suicide

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Im a mom and have an eight year old and when he gets mad he says he hates me all three of my kids have told me that before but I dont leave and its not your fault she left you where just a child and upset that's what kids do. You have to forgive yourself for that. I would suggest you find away to express yourself maybe painting or poetry take an art class or whatever interests you because you deserve to move past what happened and you need a way to express your feelings

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boondox4l

call love line
it had Dr. drew and psycho mike
the number is
1-800-LOVE-191 (1-800-568-3191)
website is http://www.lovelineshow.com/
they open the phones to public at 10pm

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I'm so sorry to hear that. PLEASE, DO NOT KILL YOUR SELF. YOU WERE MADE FOR A PURPOSE, I PROMISE THIS TO YOU. LIFE MAY BE HARD, BUT YOU ARE AN IMPORTANT PERSON IN THIS WORLD AND WE LOVE YOU!! PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELF. I'M EVEN CRYING A LITTLE TO THINK SOMEONE WOULD WANT TO DO THAT. PLEASE DO NOT KILL YOURSELF, I BEG YOU!! YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD AND HELP PEOPLE WITH THE SAME PROBLEM YOU HAVE. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT FEELS LEFT OUT. A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD HAVE ISSUES IN THEIR LIFE THAT MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE ENDING THEIR LIFE. BUT, IT'S NOT WORTH IT. EVERYBODY GOES THROUGH PAIN AND SUFFERING SWEETIE. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE OF IT!! PLEASE, STAY ON THIS EARTH. EVERYONE HAS A PURPOSE AND SO DO YOU. IF YOU KILL YOURSELF, YOU WILL BREAK MANY HEARTS, EVEN MINE. I DON'T GIVE A SHITE WHO THINKS YOU'RE NOT IMPORTANT, THEY AREN'T WORTH ANYTHING!! PLEASE- YOU DO HAVE A PURPOSE I

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AND JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT WAS BAD TO YOU DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF. Please, call the 700 Club. They'll pray for you four times a day ! 1-800-759-0700
Have a Great day.
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aec98

do not kill yourself you was put here on earth for a purpose please go see a conseler life can be hard but you are a important person in this world if you did not have purpose you would not be here

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hey banana!!!....what wrong..be mature dear...life is so small and beautiful...dont ruin it...and please understand this thing...yhat was not your mistake...not at all yours..it was your moms intentions... your momis right person to answer...why she start cheating your father...??? she was involved with somebody...even she had son withhim...you get my point...she had everything in mind...when you will grown up...you will then understand that breakups or divorce is not that much easy...untill you are determined to do that...and she was... she did..because she wanted that..and dear its her life...she can decide by herself that to carry on with relationship or to break.... look into this with different glasses...may be of your mom....you must be very sweet kid...concentrate on ur career and studies...and do remember this...when you get married.. ;)

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Wow life dealt you a sh... Teee hand ..
You can take the easy way out or you can pick yourself up dust off all this horrible things that happen to you....
And concentrate on something positive ... I cant imagine the pain you must feel but keep your head up and good luck

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sagittarius1997

"There are always two paths in life. One is hard, one is easy. And its only reward is that it's easy." -I don't remember

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This makes me so sad. You seem like a beautiful person with such a fragile heart. Hang out with your friends, meet new people and don't shy away from the world because being on your own all the time, will only make you think of the bad things that are actually "not there" if that makes sense. Have fun, laugh a bit. I went through a sexually abusive step dad and with the help of friends and activities I learned to heal. And about your mom taking your money, you can sue her and you will win because you have such solid evidence. Be strong darling.

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Emilyviolinpuppy

first dont kill yourself. you wont be with God. second, talk to someone like a school counselor, and im very to sorry to hear what you are going through, good luck sweetie. you are a very tough girl, i could never go through that. God is watching you, and protecting you. i hope things get better soon

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