Why did santa have his balls removed? because he carried his sack over his shoulder for too long (i'm sorry, i had to give a dirty one)
A magician is on a cruise liner, everyday he does a show, unfortuantly, the captains parrot sees and memorizes all his tricks, and starts telling everyone the secrets in them, unfortunatly, the magician cant do anything about this, because its the captains parrot. well, the boat sinks, and as fate would have it, the parrot and magician end up on a piece of driftwood together, after about a week of floating, the parrot looks over and says, "okay, i give up, where did you put the dam boat"
A man walks in to a bar, a woman in a booth has no arms or legs is crying. The man walks up and asks "why are you crying?" The woman replies "I've never been hugged before." So the man picks her up and hugs her, then sets her down. She continues to cry, so the man says "Why are you still crying?" The woman replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man picks her up and kisses her, then sets her down. The woman continues to cry, the man says "Why are you still crying for?" The woman replies "I've never been screwed before." The man picks her up, takes her to an ocean, and proceeds to throw her in. The man says "You're screwed now!"