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What do you guys think of this poem i wrote? i need feedback

My angel of death
killing my heart without a sound
and i cant find my breath
when you are around
you leave me broken
lying on the ground
you blew holes in my ship
and left me to drown

you called me your dream
but treated me like a nightmare
and my heart aches in agony
knowing that you dont care
so alone i will cry
no one to save me from the dark
until i find the perfect source of light
to fill the hole in my heart.

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thats so perfect :) no matter how depressing, its so good it actual puts a smile on your face. nice :)

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Agree.
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ok, good, im not the only one smiling at a depressing poem :)
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thanks
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and i'll try to come up with a less depressing one, i have a few i'm working on that are about that source of light
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it doesnt matter, all of mine are depressing, if its not depressing i cant write it, it comes out so stupid, lol
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Did you write this?

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yeah
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Nice :)
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That was awesome, but, dude, do you have a relationship problem.

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kind of, but i'm working through it.
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*_________* Beautiful

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thanks
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kazarina

that's good. well done

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WOW!!!!! that's awesome .. i love it .. its really nice :)

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The last line. fill the hole in my heart
^^
That

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That was so good!!! You're an amazing writer. That was sad but it made me smile because of, I don't know. I guess it was just because of the fact that it made me feel something. It's really good. Keep writing. :)

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It expresses powerful emotion, I can feel what you are trying to say. I like it.

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thanks
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It's definitely excellent in message conveyance.......just a few tweaks to ensure real smooth flow and it'll be top notch!!! 8)

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awesome, thanks
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Nice

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Beautiful

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thanks
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If you want a critique. It's a bit Dr. Seuss-ish... meaning repetitive and written to a low reading level. (I'm riding a train to Spain in the rain, again.) Rhyming isn't necessarily poetry, and poetry doesn't necessarily have to rhyme.

Read Les fleurs du mal, by Baudelaire and work a bit on your syntax.
"On my bowed skull plants her black flag." (Sur mon crane incline plante son drapeau noir.)

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alright, i appreciate the feedback
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You're welcome. It wasn't meant badly. Critique is important if we want to improve our skill.
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i agree, thank you.
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it's really nice :) u r such a good writer, continue the good work :D u may even become famous one day :)

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thanks
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You have a way for feeling emotional phrases. But jumping from image to image leaves you at the surface of each of them, rather than deeper in the fleshed well of one or two of them that are metaphorically connected. The hole in your heart can be the connecting theme that gathers a more fleshed out single or double imagery. Imagine this poem as a story beyond its rhyme scheme.

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That's really good

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ares15

Damn! And I thought your covers were good!

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icic6772

Damn man that got me teary eyed. And I'm I guy.

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CutiePie007

Oh my gosh....i am speechless! Ur poem is amazing!

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TooHot4You

Ur an amazing poet! Just sayin!

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U just not only make good covers but also good poems i liked it :)

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Im a writer myself and I love it.

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Awwww <3 that is the best poem I have ever seen in my entire life. Good job :]

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thanks
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Yw
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I also like the other poem u wrote
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don't change anything. its perfect!

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anstazia1

i love this poem

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it official your perfect at everything

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I love it it is deep

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Oh my. That's perfect. You are awesomeness.

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