OK....I was like 9 years old and it was Thanksgiving and we were at my Gramma's house, the entire family was there, we all got done stuffing our faces and after dinner all the kids went in the spare room to play, well, my cousin had suggested that him and I have a fart contest and I agreed, I got about 2 farts out and I thought I had a third, but I didn't, there was no air left so when I squeezed......well......I filled my pants with turds, in a state of embarrassed shock I headed for the bathroom.....in order to get to the bathroom I had to pass through the living room where ALL the adults were sitting and chatting....I flew through the living room and made it to bathroom....while I'm in the bathroom with a heart full of panic my cousin had apparently explained to EVERYONE what had happened because from the bottom of the stairs I hear my Dad yell up to me "How's it goin up there HERSHEY SQUIRTS?".....yeah.....I no longer participate in fart contests.......
A reverse of a dumb blonde joke: A blonde walks into a bank (in NYC) and then asks for a loan for $ 5000. She uses her Rolls Royce against the loan. Everyone at the bank thinks she is stupid. She comes back two weeks later and pays the loan +some interest($15.86). A banker then says "as much as I enjoyed your business, why did you use a $250,000 car against a $5000 loan?". She responds "where else can I get two week parking IN NYC for 15 bucks". You would've had to live (or visit) in NYC to understand this.
Funny? Hmm.. Well today i was running to class with thise girl. I guess were friends. But as soon as i opened the door i hit her boob on accident, and she yelled "Ow, my booby!" As we walked in. I laughed so hard... The class was like wtf.. You shouldve been there... Lol
Why did the chicken cross the road? On November 5th, about a quarter till 10, Ben, the well rounded and respected rooster came home after a long day of work. Yet he did not come home to his loving family and a delicous dinner. He came home to an empty house and a note saying his wife (Martha) and 3 kids, had left for another man with more time to spend. At the bottom of the note wrote " Please do not follow us. It's better this way.". Ben, knowing his wife, knew she always wrote in cursive, not print. This must have been a kidnapping. Ben's first guess was that it was Martha's last boyfriend whom she'd left for Ben himself. He spent hours upon days researching Johnathon Cock ( Marthas Ex) until he pin pointed his exact location. Finally reaching his destination, he hurried into an abandoned barn in which his resources had told him was John's new hideout. Ben slammed open the doors and shot down every rooster insigh, exept for the shady figure sitting in the shadow of the hay bales. (to be continued in comments)
My youngest daughter now 14 at the age of 5 asked me about the big "where do babies come from" question I responded with from mommy's belly! she then asked "how did it get in there" I told her that when mommy's and daddy's went to sleep sometimes babies would just happen (I was clueless at what to say of course) that night she came in our bedroom screaming "Don't go to sleep I don't want another sister!!!!!!!" for about a month she ranted about us sleeping in the same bed so until she forgot I slept on the couch. boy did my mouth get me in a pickle!
once when I was like 11 I was at my friends house and we were playing with barbies. She had a Barbie swimming pool and we decided to use it. we were home alone so we set it up in her room. we put like 2 towels down under it then made the barbies swim in it. my friend kept trying to drown my Barbie. after we were done I picked up the pool. It had kind of flimsy sides so when I picked it up on 2 sides water started pouring out of the other tow sides. it got all over her carpet. I poured the remaining water down the sink but I poured it to fast so it shot up so I had to clean her bathroom. then we blow-dried her carpet. when her mom got home luckily we weren't in trouble but it was so funny.
one day a blonde, brunet, and a red head were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks. the blonde said,"look, deer tracks!" Then the brunet said,"No, those are elk tracks!" And then the red head, "I'm not stupid, those are moose tracks!" And they were still arguing when they got run over by the train.