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dashing_native:
4 months ago
if a person cheats they truly lost something in that. if i were to be cheated i would tell her: "you have lost my trust respect and many more by cheating, i was always a loser and tried so hard to always win fair. cheating doesn't make you win anything but the fact you were the true loser in that, I've had so many losses in my life by cheating and won't allow it. i am sorry, goodbye"
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Coyote_Hunter:
4 months ago
via iPhone
I've never been never will be married. I cheated once and I deeply regret it to the core. I will never again.
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merrilltom:
4 months ago
via iPhone
When I was married, absolutely not. It's a very selfish act. Monogamy is one of the things that makes us different than animals in the wild.
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FunnyLittleFrog:
4 months ago
Why would anyone tell you the truth about this if they did it? And of course everyone has thoughts about other people besides their spouse, that's just reality.
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CAjoled:
4 months ago
Yeah, it's kinda weird isn't it. The primal instinctive nature of any species is to reproduce so as to continue our existence on this planet. Social norms like monogamy and social stigmas like cheating have absolutely no chance of suppressing that desire even if the person is successful at not acting on it. I'm not married, and if I did get married I would have no intention of being unfaithful. But I've heard a lot of people argue and make good points on why that's unrealistic. Maybe the safe play is just to never get married.
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merrilltom:
4 months ago
via iPhone
Wish you would have convinced me it that several years ago Lol, then I wouldn't have been the victim of a cheating spouse. Good answer.
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proudmom09:
4 months ago
via iPhone
That's why I don't believe in marriage..:/
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merrilltom:
4 months ago
via iPhone
That's why I think you have wisdom.
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CAjoled:
4 months ago
:)... No sure if it's wisdom, or just having front row seats to all the wonderful beginnings and then the seemingly inevitable endings of so many marriages of friends (although I don't know how many of those are attributed to infidelity, as not everyone is so quick to volunteer that information.) But the nature of marriage evolves like anything else in terms of culture and generation. I'm in my early 30’s and there is a very stark contrast in attitude towards marriage between mine and my parents generation. And that's not even taking into account all the x-factors like religion, insurance status, etc. that play a role in why people get married. Getting married cause it's the "next step" is not only impractical, it's irresponsible as well. I don't wanna come off as someone who's totally and completely down on the practice of marriage, but it will be interesting to see when question of, "Why did they get married?" becomes a more common response than, "Why don't they get married," in terms of relationships.
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merrilltom:
4 months ago
via iPhone
Ok, say you meet someone who you're intrigued by, fall in love with and she reciprocates those feelings strongly, it has nothing to do with being practical? You're right, it has evolved..60% failure rate. What would you do differently than the others if you did get married? (Hypothetically)
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CAjoled:
4 months ago
Well probably nothing. I don't think there's necessarily any right or wrong avenue you take to find success in a marriage. I'm sure I could observe a hundred married couples who are absolutely happy and content, as well as a hundred who are miserable, and find patterns in both sides that contribute to their successes and failure's. The problem is that you can't apply those lesson's to you cause you're not them. My parents were married for 36 years before they divorced, and my closest friend was married for 8 months before he got a divorce. And I can't honestly tell you I saw either one coming. I feel like you can't do a controlled study on this cause people are just like walking rubic cubes, a million different ways to get to that solid colored side. Some people get there, but they can't tell another person exactly how they got there, . . .if that makes any sense.
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merrilltom:
4 months ago
via iPhone
It makes perfect sense, it's as if theirs nothing scientific to draw any conclusion from. I remember when I was a kid, all of my friends parents had been married for years, they all stayed married with very few exceptions. Do you think that maybe certain norms and/or values have changed that made the divorce rate go from almost zero to about 50% in a few short years? Or maybe because it was more socially unacceptable to be divorced back then? I really don't know, just as you said, you can't do an accurate case study on it, therefore we could ponder this question indefinitely and never come to an accurate conclusion. Honestly, I believe that it takes two people who have the same deep love for one another coupled with the same determination to put the required work into the marriage to make it work, but as you said, there's really no way to know if the other person is committed as deeply as you (just my opinion).
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CAjoled:
4 months ago
I agree It was DEFINITELY more socially unacceptable to be divorced 50 yrs ago than it is now. If you found out today that a woman had been physically abused by her husband and chosen to stay married to him, you would shake your head in disbelief and think, "You have got to be kidding me, you need to divorce him AND press charges." But as sick as it is, there was a time when the stigma of divorce was a worse alternative. Of course there are so many other factors that play a roll as far as culture and religion. Many catholics still believe marriage is a union for life no matter what. A friend of mine has been living in Osaka, Japan for the last 7 years. He tells me that by the time women enter their early 20s, they begin to seriously panic if they are not married. That's why it's so important that the concept of Marriage evolves along with the rest of us. Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with a couple being together for 30, 40 years and never get married. But the majority of people would scratch their heads at that. Marriage is, frankly, a dated practice that originated centuries ago as a way for to two families to combine their land and increase their overall monetary value. I know that's probably not the most romantic point of view, but there you go. I don't necessarily think it should be done away with entirely, but I have absolutely no problem with it no longer being the standard norm.
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merrilltom:
4 months ago
via iPhone
Lets look at some of those factors, you're obviously going to have a more objective view than I, given the fact that you've never been through a divorce, but I'll try to pull from some of the contributing factors of divorce that the so called "marriage experts" cite as major causes of marriage breakdowns. I hear more and more about issues such as financial disagreements and lack of communication, I think the financial argument is very interesting when you look at it as a contrast from then until now. I'm about 8 years older than you, not a huge difference in the general scheme of things, but I remember when I was about 8 or 9 years of age, when I would go to my friends's house, the mom was home and the dad was expected to be home from work at about 6 in the evening. The lives of the couples were much more simple, they may only have one car, two cars was considered a luxury, the house that they lived in was nice, but there were no spare bedrooms, one bathroom, and one living room where the only television in the house sat. There weren't a lot of luxuries, such as some of the things that we consider necessities now. By today's standards, they lived very simple lives. Fast forward to the present, let's face it, we live in the "I want it all, and I want it now" generation. The couples now are much more career oriented and some of our necessities are much more extravagant and much more expensive. It wasn't that long ago when a single income marriage was the norm, now the requirement is double income. It's almost come to the point that we don't own our possessions, they own us. I didn't realize it until a few years ago, but the mini warehouses where we store our possessions that aren't being used didn't exist until the 1970s, there was no market for them. There really isn't as much emphasis placed on the family as it was 50 years ago, or less.
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CAjoled:
4 months ago
Ha, wow, what you said about the utilization of storage facilities being as common as they are with people today is interesting. You're right, I have two of them, one for work and one for my personal possessions and I've never thought twice about it. Do you think the decline of emphasis placed on the family structure is a bad thing? (I'm not saying yes or no either way, I'm just curious).It seems like the "I want it all, I want it now" age is really just getting started. When you start to consider the fact that the Internet has only been readily available to the public for 18-20 yrs (give or take), it's pretty amazing/scary/exciting that it's now become essential for the world to function. It's altered the way people approach relationships in general, whether it's family, work, etc.
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merrilltom:
4 months ago
via iPhone
I'm not real sure, drawing from my childhood, I've thought about how different everything was and wondered how much of a role these differences played in making the divorce rate rise in a very short amount of time. I think that you were probably closer to the true reasons for decline, social influence and social stigmas. I have to believe that the decline in emphasis played some role. If we look at how things were, when the divorce rate was closer to zero as opposed to how it was a short amount of time later when it jumped, there has to be some correlation. It's seems to be a vicious cycle as those who come from a broken home are more likely to have one.
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merrilltom:
4 months ago
via iPhone
CA, you're right about things changing since the conception of the Internet, I've heard that one out of every five relationships begin on the Internet now.
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CAjoled:
4 months ago
Yeah, I think I read that same stat. . . on the internet. I was at a lecture not too long ago and the speaker was discussing how little people truly realize the scope of just how significant the advent of the internet age is. He went on to equate it to 'fire' and 'the wheel' in terms of lasting impact. I kinda felt like most people do understand how significant it is, but maybe they don't. Maybe I don't really, and just think I do. In terms of the topic of this original thread, adultery/ cheating/deceiving isn't even a challenge anymore. It's not like anyone's calling the landline and then hanging up real quick when the wrong person answers. Can you get married online? Have your best man and witness on Skype? Why not?
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merrilltom:
4 months ago
via iPhone
That's a good point, with the conception of the Internet and cell phones, most of which you can access the Internet, there is no transparency and no accountability. I'm not sure if an Internet wedding has been performed? If not, I'm sure it will be the latest craze, eventually. My ex worked as clinical research director for a pharmaceutical company, making over 100k a year, never leaving the house, with the exception of an occasional trip out of state for conventions. The next generation will be even more dependent on the Internet than we can imagine.
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merrilltom:
4 months ago
via iPhone
Let me ask you a hypothetical, CA. Suppose you did meet someone online, we'll use Facebook as an example, this person truly fascinates you and after getting to know them as well as you can know someone via online communications, the two of you meet and begin dating. After dating for a year or so, the two of you are in love with one another. Things continue to progress in the relationship and the two of you get married. After marriage, would you rather that the two of you keep your individual Facebook accounts, have one Facebook account for the two of you or discontinue the Facebook fun for both of you as a mutual decision? The reason I ask you this, not long ago, I saw a piece on the news that reported that being on Facebook is a risk factor for even healthy, happy marriages. I didn't watch the whole segment as I was walking out the door as it was beginning. However, I can see how the social sites could present a variety of different temptations that would threaten the fidelity of a marriage.
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CAjoled:
4 months ago
Yeah, this is actually extroardinarily funny. You could not have picked a more appropriate platform for me to rant and rave as you just did by using facebook. But don't worry, I love this topic because as much as I don't wanna be the one guy missing out on the social media scene (cause let's face it, everyone is on facebook), I really don't wanna be the guy that hates facebook just to hate it. I know some people with that attitude and I hate being lumped in with them. Super quick background so you know where i'm coming from, and then your question cause I think that's a legit concern. I've never had a facebook, or myspace or twitter or any other social media account like that with the only exception being a couple work related networking sites similiar to linkedin. And me not being a part of those sites had nothing to do with me thinking they were stupid, or silly, or pointless or anything like that. I simply just didn't have a use for them. In fact the first time I discovered facebook (roughly early 2006), I actually thought it was a neat concept. A way for people to reconnect with old friends and acquaintances without having to do those scam-filled classmate finder websites. It was just a little more adult version of myspace I had no problem. But then something interesting happened. It slowly started transitioning into a very powerful marketing tool and started bridging the gaps between career oriented sites like linkedin and social lifestyle sites like myspace. That's when I started having issues. My feeling: A person who is not a member of the Facebook community should be off limits as far discussing him/her or posting pictures of him/her. And makes absolutely no difference if the discussion is positive in nature or negative. And that goes double for the pictures. Now obviously there's no way at all to regulate or inforce such a rule but if I could wish it so I would. Hang on merrilltom, bear with me, i'm running out of room here so i gotta continue on next screen (never had this much to say:) to be cont.
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CAjoled:
4 months ago
Anyway, to get to the point, there's a whole new generation of people posting pictures and having personal conversations about whatever and whoever they want. Their entire lives are on display and that's the norm. And yes, I know all about the privacy settings and how it can be set up so it's not public. But the whole thing is a spiderweb of connected people, one big 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon game. And all it takes is that one guy "Mike" who sat be behind you in trig senior year of high school who friends you and he doesn't care about privacy or even know how to turn them on. People who choose not to be on Facebook don't stand a chance of staying off it completely. And that's why I don't doubt that it absolutely could disrupt an otherwise healthy marriage/relationship. Now of course out of sheer principle of refusing to let Facebook win, I would say keep your separate pages (I'm assuming they would be friends on it and be able to see most stuff anyway). I don't have a problem with the joined page if that's what they want. Seems silly but whatever. But i have to believe that any couple past the puppy love phase of a relationship could deal with the potential negative issues brought on by Facebook. But then again, I've never dealt with Facebook and it managed to post pictures and tell stories about me halfway around the world. None of them at all bad or anything (at least the one's I know of) but that's not the point. The fact that it can without my knowledge burns me.
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CAjoled:
4 months ago
Not just romantic relationships either, because those gaps of business and social networking are now bridged, careers can be disrupted as well. I personally have known a couple people who have been quoted on Facebook and their remarks have gotten back to the boss who was none to pleased.
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ShirdBel09:
4 months ago
via Android
Actually I'm 1 of the few people in the world who has never cheated but I think it is because I grew up seeing my mom give someone her heart and then getting it smashed because of infidelity so I grew up with that mental picture in knowing it is wrong
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merrilltom:
4 months ago
via iPhone
Me too, then I had my heart handed to me.
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proudmom09:
4 months ago
via iPhone
Me too my mother suffered alot with my dad that's why I always carried a grudge towards my father..
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GloriaParsons:
4 months ago
My mother cheated, so I think my father is so poor. I can't be involved in their relationship. I think I can do nothing, but I want a whole family. What should I do?
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Morgan_Short:
4 months ago
via iPhone
I've never cheated on any significant other, but I have been cheated on.
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I have in the past , and I till this day feel guilty as heck :/ but that was my younger days like when I was 16 an dumb. But I have Not cheated ever since ! I am happily in a relationship with the guy whom I've grown up with for 10 years :D
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PoisonIvyLeo :
4 months ago
via Android
I never did. Watched my father go thru it with my mother. If your with some one deeply there shouldn't be a thought in your mind to cheat. It's a coward thing to do.
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Yes I did in the beginning of the first year . That was 20 years ago and we have been married for 13 years.. She cheated with a married man 6 months before we got married and then again she cheated with the same guy 6 years into our marriage and then again she cheated with my best friend at 12 years of marriage that lasted until the 13 th year when she filed for divorce. Did I mention he was also married? Oh yea and the guy was the best man in our wedding!!! But other than that she has never cheated!!! That's what she told me!!! Are you kidding me?!?!? Tramp!!!
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aijazquraishi:
4 months ago
Never and this is the cause of happiness and love amongst us. It is a perfect and strong bond between we TWO (ONE).
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jrbmember2:
4 months ago
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Last edited at 5:37AM on 1/14/2013
nope im satisfied with my relationship, i dont have to worry about either body or soul.
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dashing_native:
4 months ago
i see you hooked up with your friend? you had posted a question once about your friend i guess your dating now. congrats! ^_^
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