"I was going to attend the clairvoyant's meeting, but it was canceled due to unforeseen events."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron." The other asks "Are you sure?" To which the first replies, "I'm positive."
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?" To which the bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
I once visited a crematorium where they gave discounts to burn victims.
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
Source: Fallout 3... Wadsworth :)
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent!!!!!!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised
Yerp, this is what I do with my life. O_O
yo mama so dumb she thought a stop sigh was a lolipop yo mama so dumb she thought a school bus was a twinki yo mama so dumb she went to the dentist and asked for a blu tooth
Q. Why don't Sharks eat Lawyers?
A. Professional Courtesy
take the word 'animal'. then switch the 'n' and 'm'. then get 'aminal'. now that, in a nutshell, is comedy!
What anime should you never play a game with? A Cheetah
There's 2 things I can't have for breakfast.
Lunch and Dinner....
why was sally crying?
because everyone was throwing bricks at her.
Why did the girl stop jogging?
She was mauled by a bear
Anti joke!
1 A duck walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk "Do you have any duck-food?" the clerk was confused and said "No, sorry." The duck left and came back at the same time the next day and asked "Do you have any duck-food?". The clerk said "I already told you, No." The duck frowned and left. He came back the same time the next day, and asked the clerk "Do you have any duck-food?" the clerk became very annoyed and shouted "No we don't have any duck food! We never have had duck food and we never will! If you ask me again I'll nail your feet to the floor!" The duck left grumbling to himself. He came back the next day at the same time and asked "Do you have any nails?" "No" "Good do you have any duck-food?"
ahajokes.com
there were 3 people on an airplane
the 1st took a bite of an orange said too sweet and tossed it out the window. the 2nd took a bit out of a lemon said too sour and tossed it out the window. the 3rd took a bite out of a grenede said too crunchy and tossed it out the window. they landed and the first person saw a little boy crying asked what's wrong and the little boy said " an orange fell out of the sky and killed my new cat." the 2nd person saw a little girl crying asked what's wrong and the little girl said" a lemon fell from the sky and killed my new doggie" the third person saw a person sitting on the sidewalk laughing and asked what happened the man replied " I FARTED AND THE BUILDING BEHIND ME EXPLODED!"
I only know racist, sexist, perverted, anti, and Chuck Norris jokes, but I'll tell you a few. Why did Sally fall of the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock Knock: Who's there? Not Sally.
What did the blind-and-deaf orphan get for Christmas? Cancer.
What is worse than finding half a worm in your apple? AIDS.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Jesus can turn water into wine, but C.N. can turn Scotch into urine.
When god said "let there be light" CN said "Say 'please'".
God chose the name god because Chuck Norris was already taken.
When CN was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. NEVER slap Chuck Norris.
CN doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
There is no "Ctrl" button on CN's computer, for CN is always in control.
CN doesn't wear a watch, for he controls what time it is. Please see comments for the rest.
CN is the only person able to kick some one in the back of the FACE.
When you say "nobody's perfect" CN takes that as a personal insult.I have a poster and a T-shirt of Chuck Norris jokes and read a book of 400 CN jokes, but I can't remember them all, and some of them wouldn't be allowed on this site...
why did sally fall off the swing?
because she had no arms
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knock knock
who's there?
not sally
A guy sticks his head round the door of the barbershop and asks, ‘How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours’, ‘OK’ said the guy and left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head round the door and [...]
What do you call a cow with no legs?
GROUND BEEF LOL :D
Don't worry the spider is smaller than you. Yea so is a grenade
