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Divorce help! I know I am making the right decision... So why do I feel so bad?

after years of listening to verbally abusive tirades I finally got serious about divorce. filing papers tomorrow. I should feel relieved but I'm a mess of anxiety. my husband is crying, asking for second chances, and admitting all his wrong doing, which he would never do before....but I'm trying not to let it change my resolve. It took a lot to get my heart to this place. I know he would go right back to his old ways. I've educated myself with books, and know how the cycles of abuse go. So is this normal? I just feel awful seeing him crying and I'm not feeling any better hearing a sincere apology. I could think about how terrible he treated me, but? I'm worried about how to care for two young children and loosing financial security. And how hard it will be to be away from the children (for both of us) during visitations. Any advice appreciated.

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It's is perfectly normal to feel bad at the end of relationship, even a relationship that just isn't working. People often feel that the end of a relation ship is their fault; that the relationships failed because THEY failed. Ending a relationship that has gone bad, or always was bad, is NOT failure. It's self preservation. Follow through on what seems to me a wise decision. Insist that he pay his share of the support for the children. What the children will take from this in the end is that, as adults, they don't have to stay in bad situations. Get some job training if you need it.; you can possibly get state aid to do this. It will give you a better chance in the job marker. Good luck to you. You ARE doing the right thing.

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Thank you, hearing that affirmation was helpful. And yes I am looking forward to regaining my lost self. I guess I am just feeling pushed and pulled in so many directions. You've got your supportive family on one side, your now apologetic spouse on the other, kids, the house mortgage, job search after staying home for years, child care, visitations...Jeez. One step at a time right. Thanks again.
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This might be really hard for u..but he's abusive:/ idk I'm not strong Srry I want to say give him a last chance but idk it's all up to you. Remember the children. My parents are divorced and personally I dislike my father for not being with me:/ idk if they will feel the same but idk it all comes back to you. :/ poor guy:( poor you:( poor kids D: gl

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I know! Thanks for your reply. My parents divorced when I was 8, and it was hard. I'm hoping this decision will be the right one, because living through two adults arguing, and their father screaming, is very unhealthy. I'm hoping to create more stability. But again, it's sad not to have a whole family... Somethings are beyond my control.
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Don't worry. I think u can find someone else(if that's what u want to do afterwards) I just feel bad when ppl cry and u said ur husband is crying so yea
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Probably got this weakness from seeing my parents argue and my mom cry... Idk. Do what u think is best for u and ur children
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Thanks. I know it is so hard to see others in pain. You wish you could fix everything. I'm sorry about your mom. And, I am swearing off men!
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move on. as hard as it will be to go through the process you will come out stronger in the end. you and your children don't deserve the emotional verbal abuse. Kids are very aware of how it impacts their mom and it is also affecting them. Can you and the kids stay somewhere else so you can go through with this and not have to listen to him beg for forgiveness. he will only revert back to his old ways. I'm a single mom and it will be ok. it's better to from a broken home than in one.

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I know you are right. I had the opportunity to have him served with papers and a temp. restraining order. But again, I wanted to be upfront and felt wrong kicking him out without warning. I've talked divorce before, ultimatums etc... And he never took me serious I guess. Anyway, I didn't go the route of restraining order and he didn't get violent but became a crying mess. Go figure. He owned another house before we met and renting to family, so he stayed there last week. Back over this last weekend to see the kids. Im realizing I just have to serve the papers, he is not listening. I'm just overwhelmed with all the work ahead, but trying to take it step by step and asking for advice. So, thank you.
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Yes it is normal to feel this way because it means you truly understand the seriousness of it. Divorce is a failed love story. We feel like we could have done more. But I'm sure you've done all you can. You didn't mention marriage therapy so I don't know if you e both tried it. I left the same situation and my son and I almost starved but I never regretted a day of it. I've been married to my second husband for 31 years. You can get away if you really want to. Your husband sounds afraid.. What you see now is who he really is...a scared person inside about his life and he took it out on you. Sometimes we don't get a second, third, fourth, hundredth chance. He'll have to learn the hard way. If you back down again after tonight, he won't change. I have seen it happen, but only once.

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Yes, it is very sad. And I respect what you say about his emotional state, because I think you're right. When someone had been so unkind to you for years you develop a hardened heart towards them.... So even though I could see his sincerity I would not allow myself to soften my heart. I care about him as an individual and it causes grief to see him cry :-( I am afraid to let my resolve down because from all my reading and others advice someone with these tendencies rarely do the work to change for good. We did have some counseling, but it was only helpful for a short while. He liked to blame me for his anger. Thanks for your response and sharing.
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You're very welcome and thank you for commenting back. The Ask community really appreciates feedback. I hope you continue to stay here and participate with questions and advice. We can always use a new friend. :-)
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I'm a teen who has her parents divorced...I do not believe in divorce and I think it is the worst decision ever.
But imagining what you've gone though and all the pain you've suffered. And like you've said, how long it took you to finally make this tough decision and get your heart into this place...
But then again...think of your children...it will be hard for them...it will be so hard for them.
And what happened to being together for each other 'til the end? And taking care of each other at both of your worst times? What happened to "I will love you forever"? What happened to working together to make things work out?
Divorce is not the answer to this. Separation is never the answer.
Please think of your children...or at least wait for all your children to graduate high school, then get the divorce with you husband. Don't ruin your children's life like this...

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Thank you for your concern. I know it has taken me three years to come to this decision. Things over the years have gotten pretty bad. I'm feeling more and more like a shell and while I too believe in sticking through things it takes two people to participate. My husband has had a few physically violent outbursts-- pushing shoving, but the worst is the hurtful things he says that break my heart. Never apologizing just more blaming. I have to take steps to stop this from happening....and I'm sure your mother and grandmother would advise you to do the same. I too am from a divorced family and I was 8 when my dad left. He was a cheater and gambled most of his paycheck each week. I grew up poor with my dad making false promises to see us. So yes, when I decided to have children I never wanted to have them repeat my history. Darn!
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And the more her kids see of his behavior the more acceptable it will seem to them. Their father is not a good role model and they need to be out of that environment. Behavior is learned and his misbehavior is not what she wants her children learning!
To you, sweet mama, those tears are crocodile tears called "get my way" behavior! He's a con artist. The lowest kind of player-user! Please don't fall for it again. Get out and take those kids with you while they are still sweet! Good luck! Have courage! You can do it!
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I found out that abusive jerks are really great criers. Oh can they put on a show. Good for you for taking good care of yourself and your children. I was able to move forward in my 30's by asking myself if I wanted to be treated like this in my 60's and 70's. my answer was NO! I divorced the jerk and now I am in my 60's. I have been married to an amazing wonderful kind man for many years. If I had stayed I wouldn't have the beautiful marriage I have now. Don't teach your children that it is ok to be abused. Good women make wrong choices. Strong women correct their mistakes. Now you go take care of YOU!!

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Most inspiring pep talk of the night! Thanks, I appreciate the help.
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I have a sister in law that stayed in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage because her only son begged her not to leave so he would not be in a divorced home. I watched as her self confidence was chipped away every day and when she lost her husband from a blood clot after surgery on his knee instead of being sad or devastated at the loss, she was relieved at not hearing how stupid she was or how she was never a true wife. Her son grew up thinking women are worth nothing and only good for producing children. It may be hard on the children in the beginning, but the long term effects are much worse if you only stay because your children want you too. They will understand as well as thank you as they grow older and understand as well. I will pray for you and your family during this difficult time.

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Thank you Becky. That is kind and thoughtful of you. Sad story.
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If anything, get out of this for your kids. You do not want your boys to grow up becoming emotionally abusive men nor do you want your girls thinking they are never good enough or deserving of a loving relationship. Your heart can love someone that isn't good for you, but your head has to make the healthy decision. He sounds like someone who needs you a lot more than you need him.

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second chances ...? sounds more like hundreds of chances so his crying now after he insults and abuses the woman he claims he loves,...... hmm call me cold hearted but i dont buy it your doing the right thing you can take him back if you wish but 3 or 6 months down the road he will do it again so good luck....

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Yes, he will, over, and over, and...,
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