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I am so confused.Is it ever acceptable to get your lover and your secretary the exact same Valentine Gift?.

We have been living together for three years. Gift was a gift certificate for a foot massage. He didn't tell me about it, i found out when i saw my certificate had additional gift cards purchased. He claims that I am being ridiculous. I just feel like bulk mail!

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Seriously3

The only time this would be acceptable is when a man has the exact same feelings for his lover and his secretary. Maybe he felt like he was saving time?

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Thank you... I guess he may have saved money. Penny Wise and Dollar foolish!
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Seriously3
If it's any comfort, since he thinks you're being ridiculous, he must not feel the same about both of you. If he is good to you on a daily basis, then I'd just realize that he may need guidance in the gift department. I was married to a guy who bought wonderful gifts, but he was never home, he cheated on me, and he didn't contribute financially. I'd rather be shorted in the gift department!
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It will depend on where you are looking at it from. From a guy's point of view, there is nothing wrong with that; to a guy, it is the gesture that counts. From a lady's perspective, this is not acceptable because women need to feel special. On the whole, don't put much thought into it because it won't do you any good.

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Very insightful.. that is really helpful, I know he really believes that nothing was wrong with his gesture. Maybe it was the timing, he could have certainly given her a gift any other day of the week. But Valentine's Day? A day for expressing LOVE?
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He should've put ,more thought into your gift. No I don't think it's appropriate. They are two very different relationships and should be treated as such. Why did he get his secretary a valentine's gift anyways?? I'm just sayin...

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I couldn't agree with you more ..about the sec gift
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Thank you for validating my feelings. Thought I was loosing my mind.
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What's wrong with that? A gift is a gift no matter how big or small. Be grateful for the humbling things in life. Don't dwell on it

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True ...
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You are 100% correct to be grateful for the humbling things in life. I am really trying not to dwell on it. Just can't figure out why it feels so "Yucky".
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Oh common don't feel like that let me give you an example. Let's say a bf gives his gf a diamond ring that's 5 carats. The gf passes away and bf keeps the ring. The bf finds
someone else and he gives her that 5 carat ring with an explanation of how he got it. You know daing well the gf is not gonna complain about having a 5 carat diamond ring. Maybe I'm wrong but I've heard diamonds are a girls best friend
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That's not quite the same situation. What you just said, whether you realize it or not, is that women are money grubbing wenches! Fie on you! Have the good graces to sell the ring and buy another for the new Mrs.-to-be. Diamonds are not a girl's best friend. Her husband-to-be should be.
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@ Monty again. Why should she feel humbled on Valentine's day? That should have been the special day between her and her guy. She should have felt special...and doesn't. She received the same gift he gave his freaking secretary. Something's wrong and she knows it! Her soon-to-be-Ex is a cad. And you're telling her to suck it up! I feel sorry for the women who fall into your " Studly Man" trap!
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@ lizzy. He hid the info from you. But he hoped you'd find it... I think he's telling you it's time for you to move on. This relationship is all about him. He wants out and doesn't have the mountain oysters to tell you, so he's taking the coward's way out. He's used you and used you until your spirit is drained! And he has no more use for you. Find the strength to gather yourself together and move on. Get your self respect back and chalk one up for "been there, done that, won't do that again!". You can do it. He can't walk all over you if you're not lying down!
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you should probably ask him about that. =D

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Oh I did ask... It was for all the long hours and hard work. Maybe I received the same gift for all my long hours and hard work as well. The problem here is I am on the same page as the secretary :)
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your concern is understandable. i would be disturbed as well. i guess it's all about trusting and believing your boyfriend if he's telling the truth or not. :)
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Men = convenience
Women = individuality
Total = misunderstandings
Bet there's a lot of women who got nothing from their lover. 3 years and no commitment would probably be a better fight, don't you think?

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What I think is...
Commitment = respecting individuality
Sorry for all the women who got nothing from their lovers. Guess that's a matter of convenience!
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Not to send you over the edge BUT he probably asked his secretary what would be a good idea for a gift - She probably told him what would be good - Most guys who have Secretaries often ask them these types of things thinking well she's a girl and she would know the perfect gift. NEVER think a guy will respond like a girl. Doesn't happen. If you trust him then let it go.And by the way he actually sounds thoughtful and caring. Be happy

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He is a very thoughtful guy..... I just never feel like I'm special to him.
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If you 2 have been together for 3 years then think of it like this : There are millions of woman out there. Of all these woman he picked YOU to spend the last 3 years with. Now that is really the MOST special thing a guy can give. His time.
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1) Well, one time my son needed emergency surgery, and it was going to fall on Valentine's Day. The doctor gave me 2 days to choose from and I wanted the quickest so I said the next day-then he told his 2 nurses he'd have to take them out for their Valentine Day lunch the next week. So yes, some employers DO get their secretaries or office employees gifts for Valentines.
2) more thought should have been out into it. I don't think he meant anything except he was frying to save time and was getting one gift and then decided to get the same gift for the other person .
3) unfortunately, how are you to know the gift idea was for her (feet hurting ) and then while he was there he thought get you the same thing to save rime OR was it the other way around...gift was for you first, then he threw another one for her to save time.
4) true men don't think that way as this being a big deal, but my husband wouldn't have done it. But my ex husband would have and acted like I was nuts. Notice I said "ex husband".

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Thank you! Your information and insight has been very helpful!
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Finally, let it slide this year and don't say anything else and I'm sure he won't do it again. It could have been so many innocent scenarios. It's important you think about the whole picture of who he is and not let this one thing take on an unrealistic life of it's own. I don't think this will happen again and if he's a good man, focus on that. They just don't think the same way. Call the secretary and see if you guys can go together for the foot massage. That will freak HOM out ha ha
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him not HOM***
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This has actually been an issue for a few years with us. I just always feel like an "Alternate". If the choice is me or golf, Golf wins. If it's something I want to do, we do what he wants to do. His wants, needs and desire's come before mine 85% of the time. Until I am so angry..... then he will throw me bone. I apologize for ranting. I believe it hurts that he actually tried to hide the gift from me.
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Since bs tried to hide it, then he knows better! He's a selfish guy. Shame on him for trying to make you feel like it's your problem. He won't change unril something major happens. He needs a huge dose of maturity. He definitely knew better!
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I believe he did as well....
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Had this been an isolated incident I don't think you'd feel so bad,because he always puts you second, add secrecy of the secretaries gift, you might be on to something. Not saying anything is going on with the secretary,but maybe nothing is really going on with you. He sounds selfish, and it has nothing to do with duplicate gifts.

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Thank you for your well thought out opinion.
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Good luck Lizzy, I have a feeling you will know what to do!
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Really good answer Bubbs.
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First of all why does he need to get his secretary a valentines gift at all? As importantly, he shows that he's not willing to put much thought into these gifts. I don't know that I'd suspect that he's messing around. I do however think he's showing that he is clearly emotionally LAZY!

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I don't believe he is messing around. I believe that he thinks she deserves a Valentine! The same one I deserve! Feels great to be so special.
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Well good then. Go with that.
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Try to explain to your boyfriend getting the same gift as his secretary makes you feeling not so special. I don't understand why a secretary is getting a valentines day gift?!?!?! there is a designated "secretary" day

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We have been having this conversation for the last year. How I always feel like an alternate. That I don't feel like I am important enough to him. He always says that he doesn't know where this is coming from........ take a wild guess? He still doesn't get it!
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He doesn't want to get it. Just wondering of you gave a valentines day gift to your boss/and or worker,how would he feel.
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I would just like to thank everyone that took the time to give me their thoughts.
I will be considering all the information.

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