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What should I do about my abusive mother who is dying?

My mother has been a full blown alcoholic and drug addict for as long as I can remember. She was abusive to us as kids and she is still, extremely verbally and physically abusive. I have not talked to her for years, but a family member called me to say my mother is dying. As a child, my mother beat me, locked me in a dark closet for days and did unspeakable things to me. We also went without food, water and heat and sometimes even a home. I want to see her before she dies, but I know she will just be really verbally abusive and also try to hit me. Other family members report she is still physically and verbally abusive, even though she is dying. I want to see her, but I do not want to be abused, what should I do?

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Forgive her. You don't have to forget, but forgive at least. You will always have that on your side, no matter how mean or hurtful she is.

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Very true, thanks for your input.
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thank you! hope it works for the best :)
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Go see her, if she gets crazy, leave. At least you'll know you tried.

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Thanks
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you're welcome.
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Good advice!***
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thanks!
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Yr welcome!:-)
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It doesn't matter if she is abusive or not, she's your mother and if she is ill, you should help take care of her (sorry if I sound rude, I'm not trying to) maybe then she will realize how abusive she was to you and ask for you to forgive her?

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She has excellent care with my sister and her husband who is a doctor. But I don't know if I should open myself up to being abused by visiting her. It is not question as to whether she will abuse me or not, because I know she will. She is still doing it to other family members. it is really a question of, should I see her anyway.
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Yes, because you can have the opportunity to see her, before its too late. I had something like this happen to me. My grandfather was ill, and he was in the hospital, I visited him the night before and I was planning to meet up and talk to him after school, but I got a phone call from my mother saying he had passed.
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I am so sorry you missed your opportunity, to see him one last time. This is what I am thinking might happen with my mother, if I wait too long. Take care.
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Thank you, and how is she?
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My sister just told me our mother had another stroke and cannot speak or see very well now. The doctors were right, she is going fast. Thank you for asking.
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No problem, I hope she's okay. God bless her
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See her. The last thing you want is to be on bad terms when she dies. That is the absolute worse feeling.

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I will never, be on good terms with my mother. She is hateful, vindictive and abusive, but I think you are right, I don't think I can just leave it the way it is with her. Thanks
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Forgive and forget. ( I never said when. Just tell her that you forgive her..... Eventually.....)

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Nice answer! : D
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I'm with redneck you should try to forgive her don't hold it in because you might not have the chance and it will be to late.

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This is what I have been thinking. Thanks
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But my husband made the point I can still forgive her, even after she is gone. Her dying does not stop me from forgiving her and going on with my life, but I am not sure.
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Telling it to her face will make it easier on you in the future that way you don't have any regrets .
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Good point, thank you.
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Of course any time (: good luck.
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Madrid_15_2

Its best to see her and try to resolve and forgive past conflicts, rather than to have it on your conscience for a long time.

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You may be right. Thanks
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If you are not comfortable seeing her because even though she is sick, you think she will still physically abuse you...well, I would just mail her a card and say what I would tell her in person. What she does with it will be entirely up to her but at least, hopefully she will read it. I'm sorry she is dying but that doesn't give her the right to abuse you in any fashion. Take care. gg

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That is a good option, thanks.
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Very good option, especially if you think she'll still be just the same... Why expose yourself to that? Do you really owe someone who was that evil to you the considiration? I worry that you may somewhere in your heart hold a slight hope that she will be different; and if thats the case and you go to be treated the same... It will only bring the pain right back to the forefront. This is a tough one; really a "damned if you do, damned if you don't"...
Can only say if were in your shoes( which not easy either, my mom did some not so nice things but nothing like what you describe!) anyway... If I could in your place.. Go knowing that the ONLY reason would be to help me feel ok by having tried and for NO other reason..I might go...
Sry can't give more difinitive answer than that... Hope you don't get hurt anymore and heal with time...
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Thanks, wittepier, this sounds really logical and makes a lot of sense. Your points are well taken. I suppose I was really hoping in my heart she might change, but I know she will not. The idea of seeing her, knowing she will be abusive, but not expecting a change and going to say goodbye and to have closure, is a good one. Thanks.
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@mamatembo, your welcome, be at peace with yourself.
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All you can do is Love her. She is your mom. Believe me I kinda went through the same situation with my mom and I regret it everyday that I didn't tell her that I loved her or show her that I did.

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Thank you for sharing that with me, you have a good point.
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Your very welcome
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Treat her with the love she did not show u. Dont make this an eye for a eye situation. Be the grown up u really are.

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I did treat her with the love she never showed me, but she never got it. I don't know if I can keep trying. Thanks for your answer though.
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I'm trying but is really hard, since she is still very abusive.
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smack her and convice her to go to a alchohalic rehab thingand help her out by doing that :P or do what jaydblazing said

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Too late for rehab, she is dying, her kidneys have already shut down and she is on dialysis. She has a lot of other health problems, stroke, diabetes and so forth. Doctors say she will not last long.
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ok then be as nice to her as you can and bring her to the places she alwas wanted to go to and make her last days owhatever grate :D
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wow that's a tough one and only you can answer that. if it was me I would call her first. you obviously still love your mother when it comes right down to it after she's gone its what you can live with. good luck

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Exactly.
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Everyone makes choices in Life, others make Life choices. You say she is dying? "Let it Be", Amen. Been there, done that. Abusers do not change, regardless of anyone's circumstances.

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That was sorta my reaction also.. Tough one though...
See my comment under GirlieGirl. What do you think?
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Agree totally. I went, I saw, and was verbally abused, when no one else would. Different circumstances for everyone.
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True, comes down to what one expects and needs...
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So true, thanks.
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Well it depends, is she gonna die?

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Yes, she has already had two strokes, but is still ambulatory and aware. She has diabetes really bad and they are having trouble controlling her blood sugar. She has a heart condition as well and they say she is growing weaker by the day. They do not expect her to live much longer and this is why I have been struggling with whether or not to see her.
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wow, then I suggest, that you do go see her...at least 'till she's gone...then you won't feel guilty that you didn't, when she is gone...and I'm so sorry to hear that..
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for yourself- forgive her, so you are not holding on to that anger and hurt
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for yourself- forgive yourself- not that you have done anything wrong, but we always feel that we have, i know. there is nothing you can do now, or could have done then, that would make her any different.
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as far as going to see her- do what you can. like others have said, maybe a card, or a letter expressing how you feel, if you need to go see her then go, if you need to just stand by her hospital room door and look at her, than do it. do what works for you.
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just remember, don't continue the cycle. not even with her. if you feel like hurting her either verbally or physically, never get to her level. you are not her, just because you are her child, does not mean you are like her. you are YOU, be proud you survived

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Great answer!
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I made it my goal in life to be the opposite of her in every way with my six children. I am proud of who I have become, but I am still not sure what to do with her.
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congrats! i know. really. when my mom passed, i just couldn't go to her funeral. my sister video taped the service for me. 5 years later i was able to watch the video. i wish you all the best. wish i had an easy answer for you, but i just don't. sorry.
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Thanks for the comment, every comment and answer helps.
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Hope you find the answer which is the right one for you, mamatembo, good luck.
And good night.:-)
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Follow your conscience. If you would feel better at least making the gesture, go see her. But if you'd find it uncomfortable, no one could blame you if you chose to forgo a visit to someone who has been so horrible to you.

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Good answer!
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dustee
very good answer.... cupcakes
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Thanks
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Go there with a sibling, or someone you and your mother are close with. Be in a good mood, and try ti laugh a little with your mother.

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I honestly don't know if I can do that, but thanks.
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I faced this very same question a couple of years ago -- exactly the same situation. I really struggled with it too. So I spent some time alone to think clearly without distraction.
Q. what would be better for me -- seeing her once more or not ever seeing her again. She was well cared for in a good nursing. In the end I decided there was more peace in not seeing her again than in re-opening that awful wound. My sister took care of details. We wrote a good obituary, but didn't have a funeral. Cremation only. For me, it was just the right thing to do. My brother did the same.
When you know if seeing her, or not seeing her, will provide the most peace, you will know what to do. Only somebody who has been through this kind of life really gets it.

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dustee
Very good...answer... mine is alive and her birthday is Mar 7... I'll call and say happy birthday... out of respect.. but truth ... I could care less.... I dont wish her or anyone any harm....but there is no love or hate....there's nothing....
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Thank you for this very good answer. I will take some time to pray and meditate on what I should do. I like the idea of taking some time to figure this out. Thanks
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I have been through this kind of life, we don't chose our parents...
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Sarte,I wish you didn't know these things firsthand. I wish I didn't too.
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Me either, but having been through the abuse, I believe has made me more compassionate for others going through it. Turning lemons into lemonade.
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For me, the excitement of never dealing with her again or hearing her voice or looking at her long, boney hands or contemplating which rude thing she would say first far exceeded the social pressure to be nice to an old, dying person. When you think on this question, try to identify where the pressure to see her is coming from.
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show her kindness. have no regrets on your part. sorry you are going through this

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Thanks
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For God sake!! shes dying just go vist her before she dies if you dont vist her you will regret it your grown now i dont think she will hit you

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She was hitting me up until I was 30 years old and my husband stopped her. She is really messed up. But thanks for your answer.
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My lord dont let her hit you
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I just never wanted to hit her back, so I put up with it. I had asked her to stop, but she refused, so I distanced myself from her for years and up until now, that was working.
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Oh since you stayed distance she probably missed you and wont hit you she be too sick to do it
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See her. Forgive, but never forget

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I went through this so I guess it depends on what YOU want to do. Mine had gone so far that I didn't care and never bothered to see her. It has never bothered me a bit.

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Boo, you and I are in the same camp. May we live happily ever after and may those monsters who are dead -- stay dead!
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Amen to that rath!!
The only thing I have ever regretted is not telling either one exactly what I thought of them.
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I regret that I never fired them as parents. But they are dead now. Some people are dead because they should be dead.
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Stars that!
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Because you are such a kind person you may feel seeing her one last time is the right thing to do? Do you think visiting her would be subjecting yourself to further abuse and painful memories? I'm sure you went through much self healing to keep from reacting to your own children negatively, so why allow her to abuse you again? In comparison this is like asking an abused spouse to visit the person who treated her cruely for years... Knowing they would continue to be hurtful. I guess my advise would be to protect yourself first and know what you can safely handle. You can always pray from a safe distance. Take care :-)

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Thanks so much, I really like your answer.
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rayraysboothang4eva2

even if you dont like that she abuses you ,you should forgive her and tell her that you love her before she dies. that should be the last thing you say to her

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Easier said than done
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rayraysboothang4eva2
i agree
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go to get closure. say goodbye. youll regret not seeing her so just get closure. forgive her and move on.

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Go and see her. You can forgive but you will never forget.

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