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buffylyn

Should I attend a wedding that my niece has now decided not to have our son and daughter as ring bearer and flower girl?

A year and a half ago she had sent a picture of a flower girl dress that was very poofy, and I commented that it was beautiful, but that hopefully our daughter would grow out of her dislike of poofy or itchy dresses. I joked how I was the same way as a child. She didn't talk to me for 7 months, even after multiple attempts to email and call her. Since then, everything has seemed fine, but she never mentioned the wedding when I saw her. I'm brokenhearted, as I've been imagining our children in her wedding, only to find out from someone else that my niece had other plans. I'm so hurt, and I'm not a fake person. I don't know if I can go and put on a good face, plus watch other children be the flower girl and ring bearer.

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helixaqua

Yes...so what. It's just a ring bearer and flower girl! Nothing important...life will go on!

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You know they removed tattoos question. Which is funny to me since a mod answered it......
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helixaqua
I just asked one about that >:)
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I hope it wasn't because I made a comment congratulating tattoo on her work around..... I was kidding and I hope they didn't freak out because I wrote that????
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I think you should talk to her about it. I may not have experience with weddings, but I know that you can't expect her to know how you feel. I would go, because after all, she is your niece! Plus, don't get hurt that your kids won't be able to be ring bearer and flower girl. You aren't the only relative of hers that has kids. Don't ruin the event by not going or going with a sour face. You should be happy for her.

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buffylyn
She lives three hours away. I tried emailing and calling her to discuss things. I was overflowing with apologies that it wasn't my intention to upset her and that I was just stating the truth. I have photographic evidence of my daughter throwing a fit, as I tried 5 dresses on her for her one year pictures. One was a simple cotton dress, but it had poofy sleeves. You would have thought I was torturing her.
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FunnyLittleFrog

They say you never regret going to a wedding or a funeral. It's true, although I would be annoyed too. But you know, some women take the wedding ceremony too seriously. It's a shame she let this come between you.

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oarkergreatdane

It's not about you or your children. It's your nieces wedding and its her day.

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put on the good face and go. try it for 10 mins and if you feel you can't deal with it leave. at least you attended the family wedding.

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buffylyn
It's 3 hours away. I'll spend time, effort and money on finding clothes for the kids and myself. I'd hate to do all of that for 10 minutes.
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simple solution: don't go.find an excuse. stay home and pout and teach your children to do that by example.
sorry to be harsh, but you really should go and leave your bruised ego at home.
still love me ? :)
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The wedding is about your niece as family, you should go. The wedding isnt about your children. Having your children part of the flower girl or ring bearer, doesnt make your niece's wedding perfect. If she invited you than go, if not dont go.

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I think you should go because it's an important day for her and you should support her even if she hates you.You are going to be the braver one:)

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It's unfortunate that not only you have been disappointed about being included in the wedding party, but your kids have also been disappointed. It's how the kids feel, that I find most disturbing of all. However, considering your niece has shown a very immature and overly sensitive reaction to your comment .. it is still her wedding.

I can't imagine, THIS episode would be worth splitting your family apart. So, she had a change of heart .. big deal. So she was offended .. so she over reacted .. Big deal. If it were me .. I can assure you, I would have made an attempt to apologize to her face to face .. not by email and certainly not by a text, or even over the phone.

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By the sounds of your post, you have had ample opportunity to make things right because you HAVE seen her face to face .. but you didn't. So be it .. move past it. You can still make things right between her and yourself .. by talking to her..face to face at any time, just to clear the air. It won't change her plans for her wedding, because now, other children have been involved and they shouldn't suffer disappointment either.

This is a special day for your other family members (your brother or sister .. or whoever happens to be her parents). They should not suffer the drama of this miscommunication.

Graciously go to the wedding and celebrate what should be a very happy family event.

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buffylyn
I should add that she has always been spoiled and self-centered. My brother, her dad, will attest to that. Also it's 3 hours away. Another rather large factor is that I have severe OCD and anxiety, and I'm not sure I should put myself through this for someone who probably doesn't even care if we come. As far as talking to her, she is not one that you can talk to. It's her way or the highway. Even her dad avoids ruffling her feathers. I didn't want to ruffle her feathers more than I did by commenting on my daughter's dress issues.
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This is not about YOU .. this is about setting an example for your children how to graciously handle disapointment and other people's bad behaviour.

Who cares if she is a spoiled brat! That is something for her future husband to deal with .. not you. Step above this .. and show the rest of your family, and more importantly your own children that YOU are not shallow and self centered.

Dump the drama .. don't add to it. You can do this!
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If you think about it it's her day not yours. I believe going would be the right thing to do.

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Is there cake?

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helixaqua
lol!!!
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ha !
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rbeezy

You should go to her wedding. She probably didn't even realize you would mind so much. I can still recall from my own wedding the chaos and changes that went on. Don't take it personal it is her day after all. It might be a good thing because if the kids act out or do something that upsets her it won't be your kids and you won't be embarrassed :)

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Your niece sounds very immature to get upset and not speak to you for several months over what you said. However, be the better person and go ahead and go.

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buffylyn
I had it in my original question, but it was too long. I forgot to add that she didn't tell me about this decision. My mom was the one that told me.
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That makes it even worse! Just go and show her that you're more mature than she is.
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Did she ever actually say that your children were going to be in the wedding party, or were you just projecting your hopes that they would be? The fact that she didn't respond to you for 7 months, nor ever mention the wedding to you again, should have been a pretty big clue that your children were not going to be taking part - even if she never actually said anything to you about it. Even if she at one point said that they would be a part of it, and later changed her mind, that's still her prerogative as the bride.

This is HER day, not yours, so it should be how she wants it to be. And if that doesn't include your kids, then there's nothing wrong with that, nor should you feel insulted or upset about it. Be happy for her, and if you can't do that then (or at the very least fake it), then yes, you should stay home. It wouldn't be right to ruin her day, just because you are disappointed about something that really has nothing to do with you.

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buffylyn
She emailed me a week or two before they even got engaged because she was so excited, knowing that she was going to be proposed to (albeit because she gave him an ultimatum). She very excitedly knew and asked that our children be the ring bearer and flower girl. The wedding was a year and a half away, so there was plenty of time to not assume that this was a change in her decision. If you read experts' opinions, there is rarely a time when it's okay to ask someone to be in your wedding, and then change your mind. Yes, it's the bride's day, but not at the expense of hurting other people's feelings.
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Yes, but you said that she didn't talk to you for 7 months, or even after that discuss the wedding with you - that right there says... you are not directly a part of the wedding party. Otherwise you would have been included in the planning, at the very least to get fittings for the children, and to have an idea of how the ceremony would work out.

From what you are saying - she basically asked you about your children participating before she even started planning her wedding. Odds are once she actually started planning, she either forgot, or decided to go a different route. Not saying that she shouldn't have been upfront with you about it, but it's still her choice.

And the point is though - she shouldn't have to include anyone in her wedding that she doesn't want to, just because someone else's feelings might get hurt. If you really loved her and wanted her to be happy, you'd accept her decision, no matter what. With any luck - it will be the ONLY time ever she gets to do this, she should have it the way she wants it, not how you think it should be.
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It is about her not your children, yes? Her day, not yours? Get over it already. You hurt her feelings and now shes hurt yours. You can act like a petty child and keep the hurt cycle going for a silly, pointless reason or you can be big and find a sitter for the kids and go and congratulate her and be happy for her instead of making it about you since its not. I bet if you actually TALK to her youll find there was some huge misunderstanding - like she thought you were refusing the offer when you mocked her choice of dresses. Something like that.

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buffylyn
She didn't even have the guts to tell me herself. My mom had to tell me. When your feelings are hurt, do you turn around and hug that person and congratulate them?
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For crying out loud, from the time she mentioned using the kids and the actual wedding day was you said like a year and a half. In that amount of time you two had ample time to work this out, and from what you've said about your daughter not liking girly dresses etc i see nothing offensive in that comment so I can't see why you'd use that as the basis for your niece having an issue with you.
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Maybe it just me but frankly I think you're coming off poorly in this situation. This is your nieces wedding, if you're going to let something like this ruin a relationship with a family member that's just pitiful. So your kids won't be part of the wedding party, maybe that's a good thing. From everything you've posted it doesn't sound like your daughter would enjoy wearing a poofy dress and being put on display, not sure how your son feels about it, but you stated your disappointment....it isn't about you, it never was, you come off like by your niece making this decision that's she's personally attacking you. Yes it's her wedding, its her and her future husbands day, stop making about you. Perhaps if that's the type of shallow person you're going to portray yourself as maybe its best that you burn bridges with family over this. I would say if you choose not to go you should at least give her an honest answer as to why, don't be fake and pretend everythings fine.

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buffylyn
I have no idea how you can say that I'm coming off poorly. She's the one that wouldn't communicate with me for seven months. When she finally contacted me, she has acted as if all is well. My mom told me about our daughter not being a flower girl, not her. I am not a shallow person. If anything, I'm too deep and too sensitive to deal with narcissistic, spoiled children. I've already said in another comment that I'm not fake. Everything is not fine. She broke my heart. You must not have children. There are more details and history that would require a book to tell. Talk to any other family member of mine, and I'm not the one acting poorly.
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buffylyn
Also, she is attacking me personally. How else would you take this? She isn't changing her mind about having them in the wedding for a legitimate reason. It's to be spiteful. Sorry. That's personal. That's not okay.
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You wanted our opinion, you got it!
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The way you describe it there was a plan in place, you mentioned your daughter hopefully outgrowing her dislike of dresses etc, then from that point on 7 months passes and then she contact you as if nothing is up. I'm sure in the beginning she didnt want to hurt your feelings, in sure she prob heard thru the rumor mill that you were upset. So now you say she's doing it just to be spiteful, that's still not a personal attack against you, it's her decision, nothing you do or say will change that, at this poit if she did change her mind it would be just to make YOU happy, do you not see how it all comes back to you? And yes in have kids, I've raised 4 kids thank you, and I don't need to see my kids walk down the aisle in someone's wedding party to make me happy, I know for a fact my kids would be miserable doing that so I wouldn't even expect them to. Not to mention from the way you describe your niece its pretty apparent how you truly feel about her so why would you wan to go to her wedding.
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And she's attacking you personally, if you're running your mouth to other family members all because your kids won't be involved then you know she's hearing about it, but again considering how it all started I still think you're definitely overreacting. All this issue over your kids being in a wedding.
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OMG!
Get over it, it's not your wedding and your niece can chose whomever she wants to be in her wedding!
If you made those comments to me, I'd get someone else also! This is your doing not hers!
True, we're not experts but you asked our opinion! Obviously, you don't really want it!
As far as I know, a person can change their mind about the wedding party for any or no reason!
And, I have kids & grandchildren!

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She mentioned it in passing a year and a half ago. You barely talked for a while, which isn't that big of a deal since people get busy and things change especially when your planning a wedding. Or maybe she avoided talking to you because she knew that she had to choose different kids, for what ever reason, and knew you would freak out when she told you. You don't know the reason she picked the other kids and the truth of it is, it's her wedding so it doesn't matter. I know your disappointed but the day isn't about you and your wishes. She has enough stress planning the wedding and doesn't need any more. I'm sure she cares for you and would feel bad, but at this point, the decision is done and speaking to her about it will only cause hard feelings. Let it go, go to the wedding and enjoy seeing your niece get married. Take a step back and look at the situation with out emotion. You really are being a little narcissistic.

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That's how I felt, plus she stated in other comments how she videotaped her daughter having fits when she tried on other dresses etc, and she calls her niece a few unflattering things so why would you want to go
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Just by the way she is so crazy over protective of her kids and thinks the world revolves around them, I'd guess that they are very spoiled and it sounds like they throw fits. That is not a good combination for a wedding and I wouldn't run the risk of a melt down during the ceremony. The sad thing is that this lady is so self absorbed that she will probably ruin the day for her niece. Maybe it's better if she doesn't go????
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Honestly you should talk to her about whats bothering with you before the wedding or bond together do something with your niece to clear the air and to move on to be able to put a happy face on for this important time for your niece and yes i think you should go especially when your niece went to ur wedding and because your family and honestly i really just feel your a important person to her life and dear heart i feel as thou she would cry not having you there its always something missing when your family or true friends the people you have shared or have been there for a long time is not there at your wedding your important to your niece and you should go :)

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I think you should go but be nice. After all her parent is most likely your brother or sister. Remember that you can't pick your family but they are there for the long haul. Your relationship w/ your niece may never recover but that is life. She sounds dreadfully immature.

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That's her choice and her special day.. Don't be upset she has a right to change her mind.. Get over it life is to short .

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