Submit a question to our community and get an answer from real people.
Submit
stressedmom123

How do I tell my daughter (9) that her stepfather doesn't want her to live with us anymore and she has to live with her dad full time?

I remarried 4 years ago, my daughter was 4. Her dad and I shared physical custody...in a half week there and half week with me and my husband. In the 4 years that my husband has been her stepdad, she has been unable to have a true bond with him. She will ignore him at times, not say hello, ignore his questions. She will pull away from physical contact with him and is generally very disobedient to him. My husband has the added pressure/issue of having PTSD. Well, the other day he snapped and told her to go to her dad's house and not come back. Their relationship, to me, is no longer healthy. He has too much built up resentment to love her as she needs/should be loved. But, I still love her very much and want to remain in her life.

My only options are to either be a mom from afar or to leave my husband.

I don't know if I can forgive my myself for hurting her like this. I'm also unsure if I can forgive my husband for doing this.

Right now though, I need to know what to tell my daughter. My husband wants me to pack up all her stuff and take it to her father's house.

Please help.

Report as

You pack all his stuff up and tell him... "there's the door". Honestly, if you choose your husband, over your child, then you are pretty much throwing any relationship you have with her away. She will always know that you chose him over her, and it will probably take years of therapy for her to even being to cope with that sort of abandonment.

It would probably be a good idea to talk to her about why she treats him that way, and find out if it's something that can be fixed. If necessary the 3 of you might want to consider family counseling.

Helpful (15) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (2)
Report as
good anser
Report as
stressedmom123
Thank you for offering an intelligent answer with mature options/solutions.
Report as
Add a comment...

Be a mom first and a wife second. If you didn't know that you shouldn't have kids

Helpful (6) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

Leave your husband. He can find another wife but your daughter can't find another mother. If you choose him over your daughter good luck having her ever trust you again.

Helpful (7) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

You can find another husband but not another daughter.

Helpful (3) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

Don't choose a guy over your child. Ever. Like Sephira said, she will never forget that. He either moves out, or he learns to deal with your child. Remember: SHE was there before him...and unlike men, children will always stay with you. No matter how far or near they are. She will always remember that, you know. She'll never forget. I know I didn't.

Helpful (3) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

But who does she want to stay with is what matters if she wants to stay with u then try to talk with her tell her what is it that she wants have u even talk with her maybe u should just leave the guy and give all the attention to your daughter i never had both my parents but if i did i wouldnt want my mom dating other guys

Helpful (1) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

Your husband is acting childish tell him to grow some balls and deal with it all children have their stages I'm 16 and I had my time in which I would act like a rebel as your daughter is acting but it's only a stage we go through if you honestly choose your husband over your own daughter then you should probably think about how your daughter would feel she'll feel neglected and then start having a resentment towards you

Helpful (2) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

She is your daughter the one who you should love everyday no matter what there are other men in this world but one daughter

Helpful (2) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

well maybe your husband did something to her because after 4 years she should've got used to having a stepdad she would have to accept it but she didn't and that is suspicious.. and if you pick your husband over your daughter then your not a very good mom... i would ask both of them whats the problem and then have a talk with them at the same time so you can figure out why they been acting like that toward each other

Helpful (2) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

You will regret every second of your life if you do not stand up for your daughter. Who would want there mother to send them away? How horrible would that be? Don't, your daughter means more to you than anything else. PTSD or not it's not his place to send YOUR daughter off. She doesn't deserve that. She's young and doesn't understand and is bitter that's all. You know what the right decision is. Stand up and make it.

Helpful (3) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

Your child should come first in any situation. Your child will always be yours. I think you need to tell your husband to leave. A mother should not choose anyone over her own child

Helpful (3) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

Well, seriously?! Your GONNA TAKE HIS SIDE INSTEAD OF HERS? Why? Just saying, if he leaves, and since you took his side, she isn't going to want to talk to you, then you will be alone...just saying...Good Luck.

Helpful (2) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

I didn't read all if your situation . I just read your post . Please decide to love your daughter . Betraying your daughter is not love . If you surrender your daughter to her father knowing his disposition then , you are clearly betraying her . You have birth to her . She is a child . You are the adult and parent . Be one lovingly . She may need to choose your personal care home some day . Good luck with your husband . He needs to just back off your daughter . Never expect your daughter to accept any physical contact with anyone if she isn't ok with it . Address your issue with a good family therapist and be open minded and loving . You need to mend your relationship with your daughter . I'm sad for your situation . I hope that you get the help that you need .

Helpful (2) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (1)
Report as
Every body who has posted to your situation is right on target ! Listen to everybody . I have chosen my kids over everybody and it was the tight decision every time !!! I've had to live in a homeless shelter with my kids twice . We are all happy and have lots of love for each other . Don't betray your child !
Report as
Add a comment...

WTF are you serious ... As a mother of 5 and a wife ... I love my husband but my kids will always come1st no matter what... I don't care what my child has done ... For him to sit up and talk to my child like that .. We would have both been in jail.. I don't dis respect my children .. There for no one else should ... Number one you were wrong as a mother to marry a man who acts like that to your kid.. Your just as bad as your husband ... Your daughter needs to be with a parent that can put her 1st and there needs 2nd.. Good luck

Helpful (3) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

The child should come first before the step parent! The husband is being a jerk expecting the mother to choose him over the child! I guess that means the mother is not much of a mother if she chooses her husband over her child!! ask yourself this.... what if the roles were reversed? would he send his child to his ex?

Helpful (2) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

if he is worth more to you then you kid i hope you have a hard time sleeping at night and send you daughter to her dad at least he will give her the love she deserve .

Helpful (1) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...
Lollipopslove

Are you kidding me? No. He is not more important than your daughter. And if he is then you have issues. You should be mother first wife second. Dont choose him over her. My mother has made the same mistake and i have no relationship with her and i actually feel hate for her. Do you want your daughter to hate you? Nah i didnt think so.

Helpful (2) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

No good man would banish a child from the home,his or his spouses. This is not a solution. No mother would choose their husband who is an adult and can work harder than just quitting to find a reasonable solution, over their child that doesn't belong to him. That child will never forget that you abandoned her, banished her,, took sides against her or forgive you and you will lose her forever. She knows she's not wanted now . She won't forget that once said , so when you don't fight for her , she will draw her own conclusion no matter what you tell her she won't believe in you. You are making a bad mistake. If this man cannot accept your daughter then he can't accept you, you need counseling with your daughter asap. She needs to be heard this is not something she just decided yesterday and perhaps this man is not exactly capable of winning her over, you are not seeing this, she is not looking through the eyes of love you are and she is seeing this more clearly after such a long time. If this marriage just happened id say give it time, but something is wrong if he cant adjust to a child's level and give the child what she needs after 4 years. i think you need to choose your daughter.

Helpful (2) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

You shouldnt have to tell her anyhting. If that were me i would choose keeping my child and ruining the realationship with your husband. It is pretty low to throw away your whole realationship with your daughter for a guy. You could find a husband that is caring and loves your daughter as if it where his own. Be a good parent and leave your husband not you child.

Helpful Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

pulling away from touch? not talking to him? check for sex abuse.

Helpful Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

people on the internet cannot help you with this. stahp.

Helpful Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

I say stay with your child. When I was younger, my parents divorced and both eventually remarried. Both parents did something that touched my heart, before agreeing to marry my step parents they made sure me and my sister were ok with it. You are your child's mother, and have to stay with your child no matter what. There is a reason they are acting like this, and you need to fix it. If it cannot be fixed, I'm sorry but your husband is not the one for you.

Helpful Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...
Do you have an answer?
Answer this question...
Did you mean?
Login or Join the Community to answer
Popular Searches