Submit a question to our community and get an answer from real people.
Submit

Can someone give me some advice ? It's about my mom .

My whole life my mom has not showed me affection or much love . I can show you many times she has hugged me with my fingers and that really hurts. I have also been abused and witness abuse because of her . I have moved with my dad and am happy and I feel loved . I haven't talked to her since the move which was a couple of months ago and today she sent a letter to my school which upset me and I just tore it up and threw it in the trash . Im not ready to talk to her and she keeps on bugging me . I ask this question because I'm hurt by this and need some advice.

Report as

Hi Shane. I'm a Mom, I have a 17yr old son. I can't imagine treating my son the way you've been treated by your mom. Please know that you are a strong kid and she is missing out on more than she could ever know. It sounds like she has a lot of issues. You seem to be doing the right thing by keeping some distance from her. You have the right to peace and if that means not dealing with her right now that's ok.
I hope you realize that she is in the wrong. As an adult, we have the responsibility to protect our children- even if its from us. It sounds like living with your dad was a good idea. If you need to wait a few years before you have a relationship( if ever) with your mom, that's ok. Take your time, enjoy being a kid for now.

Helpful (4) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (2)
Report as
Thanks . Your advice is appreciated . Nice hair .I bet your a pretty cool mom.
Report as
Thank you, yeah, I guess I'm a cool mom but I'm pretty tough when I need to be. You are learning some life lessons through all this. I had mom issues too so I really understand. Hang in there, ok.
Report as
Add a comment...

Morning SJ. :)
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I am happy to see that you aren't living with her. Distancing yourself from an abuser is the FIRST step in the healing process. From one person who has been abused (by her mother) to you, you have to take care of yourself. Maybe someday down the road, you'll be able to forgive your mother, but that day is not today, and that is completely fine sweetheart. Things like this, aren't fixed over night.
Our mom's and heck, even dads, are supposed to love us. Not hurt us. Abuse like we've been through is not something easy to deal with.
You talk to her, when YOU are ready. Not any sooner.
Have you spoke to your dad about this? Finding someone who you trust, to talk to is a great step. If you can't talk to your dad, find a friend, or a trusted adult to talk to.
Keep your chin up sweetheart, and don't let her bring you down.

Helpful (3) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (3)
Report as
Thanks Cj . Knowing you have my back puts a dumb smirk on my face . I have talked to my dad and he said " you don't have to talk to her until your ready " She is a very manipulative person . She is using my little sister to try to get to me . Which I think is pretty low . I remember when I lived with her I was dealing with really bad depression and I told her I needed to see a physiatrist and she just laughed in my face . I can see threw her little games as I get older and as I do I am starting to see her as a person and not just a mom and I don't really like what I see . Most kids can say my role model is my mom , but she is everything I don't want to be . I want to be affectionate and loving sometimes it's a bit hard , but I try Cj I really do . It's just takes time to show something you weren't really shown growing up .
Report as
One of my biggest fears, is becoming my mother. Sometimes I think I try so hard, at being everything she's not, that I really lose myself in the mixture. This isn't always a good thing. So make sure you're not doing that.
If she's using your sister, I'm going to assume your sister still lives with her? When/if your sister calls, make it a point to say to her, I love you sis, but I am not going to talk about mom with you. I want to talk to you, and make sure you're okay and that's it. If your sister brings your mom up, simply tell her, I love you, but I'm done talking to you now. And hang up the phone. As hard as that may sound, you are the only person who has your best interest at heart. And sometimes we have to take the hard road to protect our heart.
Report as
I'm sorry you were hurt your a very smart , beautiful , and strong woman. I'm sure we have both learned and can still take away from what we have been through . Thanks Again Cj your the best (:
Report as
Add a comment...

it's understandable that your hurt by your mom and if your not ready to talk don't just let her know you see some time

Helpful (2) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

My dad abused me from the time I was born (yes, this is true) until Mom took me and my sister and left him when I was 13. I'm still not sure if I've forgiven him, and I'm 63 y.o. now. What I have come to learn in my life however, is you can love someone from a distance, silently, and while protecting yourself from them. You don't have to hate them, or love them, but you do have to keep yourself safe (and I mean emotionally, as well as physically). When you are at peace with what happened to you, maybe you'll be ready to talk to her; for your own peace of mind, not to hear her apologize, and not to do any apologizing, just for your own peace of mind. Learn to love yourself, that's the starting point above all others.

Helpful (2) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (2)
Report as
I'm sorry you were hurt . You didn't deserve what you went through . The way I see it is you can always take something positive from a negative situation . For me those things have made me a nice person and I don't judge people because you never know what people have or are still going through . Thanks for your advice I appreciate it .
Report as
You are very welcome. I think you are spot on in your feelings. I'm sorry you were mistreated too, but I'm glad you took lemons and made something wonderful out of them!
Report as
Add a comment...

Without knowing your mother's history it is hard to say why she responds the way she does. Abusive behavior is often a cycle from one generation to the next until someone learns to break the pattern. But again, without knowing anything about her it is hard to say.

As for yourself, it sounds like you have reached a breaking point. Taking care of 'you' first is the most important thing you can do right now, and that usually means taking time away from someone in order to heal. From personal experience I can tell you that you need to send a message to her that you need some space. Otherwise she will be confused and keep trying to contact you to find an answer.

The biggest thing that has helped me finally move on and heal was forgiving everyone that hurt me. However, that took time and only you will know when or even if that time arrives. We are allowed to be angry when someone hurts us. It is a valid response, and while it is a great relief when you are able to finally let go of it and forgive, forcing it simply does not work. It has to be genuine to you or it is just words.

Helpful (2) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (2)
Report as
Thanks . Your right if you don't genuinely mean something you should wait until you actually mean it . Thanks I appreciate your words there more than just some " answer " on a website . Thanks (:
Report as
Your welcome. I understand your situation all to well. If you have questions later, feel free to ask. Good luck (:
Report as
Add a comment...

aww I'm sorry. I understand how ya feel. have a situation something like this one. just ignore it. talk to her when you're ready...or tell her that nicely. just say you would like to keep things the way they are and not change anything so please stop bothering me.. hope this helps(;

Helpful Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

Im so sorry and i think you should try building a relationship with your mother and tell her how you feel i think every child should have a relationship with their mother Good luck

Helpful Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...
Do you have an answer?
Answer this question...
Did you mean?
Login or Join the Community to answer
Popular Searches