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Grieving- I'm afraid this process will get the best of me- how do I know if I'm grieving in a way that is good for me?

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I checked your profile and see you lost your mom. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine losing my mom. There are support groups for people grieving, or private counseling. It helps to talk to others who are feeling similar pain.

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Thank you- if you read the comment I made on the first answer it might better explain. I was a bit to vague in my question. I'm just afraid I'm not grieving enough... My life has been so crazy since then, it's hard to find time or a moment to reflect without another worry on top of it it seems...
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I just read your response to the other answer. You have been through a lot and kept it together. You are very strong and God bless you for that! I am sure your mom would be proud. The fact you are concerned would lead me to believe You are not going to have a huge break down. You will probably have a moment where it will hit you though and everything will just flow out.

When my grandmother died she had been sick for sometime. She had breast cancer that went to her brain. She had been a strong woman who had reverted back to a toddler. I didn't cry for months. I was just so relieved she wasn't suffering. Then one day months later someone asked me a gardening question. I picked up the phone and was almost done dialing before it hit me she wasn't going to answer. That was my big grief moment. The tears started flowing. (Too bad I was at work.)

Everyone grieves differently, and I wouldn't be overly concerned. There is no right or wrong amount.
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This is just me eavesdropping (sorry for that) but, three things come to mind:
If you believe in God, a wise man once said that God never gives us more than He thinks we can handle; therefore He must think highly of you.
You can't compare your grieving process with your sister's grieving process. We all deal with loss differently.
Just continue to deal with things as they come.
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May I suggest you see a professional grief counselor. Ask your doctors office they can direct you. I am sorry you are feeling badly and hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

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I suppose I could-I guess my question might have been a bit vague- my problem is this: I lost my mom in a head on collision last July. Since then, I have had a million things on my plate. My home caught fire the day before thanksgiving and was a 90% loss, I had a good fried commit suicide, my sister had a nervous breakdown and I had to seek out help for her... A downwards slope. I'm just worried that some sort of mental breakdown may happen to me too.... I've been so strong thru all of this, and I have my moments to cry and grieve- I guess I want to know if I'm grieving enough.... My mom was my best friend.....
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Unfortunately, it is not easy to determine the best level of grieving for you. This is because this feeling is determined by the connection you had with that late person. However difficult it may seem, you need be strong in order to avoid getting sick since this can lead to depression.

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I've been doing my best to be as strong as I can.... But I'm afraid of the load getting to heavy to bear. I don't want to get lost in this... I'm the strong one of my moms kids. I've taken on all the hard stuff personally. I have had so much happen since then that I'm afraid I haven't been grieving enough over my mom.... I'm afraid it might catch me off guard and send me into a spiral I can't save myself from...
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kazarina

The sadness is because they have left us. With time it will be easier to remember without the pain & the tears. The ache may never go away but it will lessen in intensity in time. Stay strong & focus on the positives you gained from having that person in your life. I myself grieve for the family dog no different than I do for a family member. Think of the good times & sadness can become a strength to carry on for & because of this person. I lost my dad when I was 15 to a heart attack but I partially lost him 7 years earlier to a very servere stroke that the doctors said should have killed him. He was only 49 when he died. he had 8 children & 4 of us were still at home aged 5 to 16. yes the youngest came along 2 years after he was classed as a vegetable. He battled his way partway back. He could walk with a caliper & a walking stick. We cant control life we just have to learn to live without loved ones sometimes. whenever I think something is hard or tough, I think of my dad & I get in there & succeed where normally I would have doubted self success. they can inspire you more than anything when times get tough. Hope I have given you some hope.

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Thank you(:
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kazarina
You are welcome. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you have family or friends to help support you through this pain & sorrow.
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Oh wow- I'm sorry- I didn't see your whole comment a few minutes ago- I just wanted to tank you for sharing your story.... How very tough. It takes a strong person to see the silver lining and have hope in times of feeling great loss... Knowing I'm not alone in feeling that pain does make it a bit easier- knowing someone understands.... So thank you again.
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Thank*
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kazarina
Just take each day at a time, if it's a bad one, find time to cry. If its a good one feel strong & proud. You will get through this eventually. I cried for months daily when I lost my younger brother 12 years after my dad. That was another devastating time in my life. I have lost a couple of auntys & an uncle that I was very close to also & that dreaded deep stabbing pain revisited my heart. But you know at 52 years of age, to of only lost 5 really special people in my life I'm probably pretty lucky. Having breathing space between the losses allow inner healing each time. Don't give up on yourself. You wil work your way back to feeling like there is hope of being happy again. Just work through one day at a time. Believe in yourself. I'm thinking of you.
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Kaz those are kind words and great wise words you shared
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I truly thank you. Overcoming these tough days are so hard sometimes. I am working a 12 hr shift right now and the tears have been pouring all 11 of them so far. Luckily it's over nights and no one is here to interrupt me. Lol:) but I suppose I needed the release. Needed to let it out.
When my mom lost her mother she truly lost a piece of herself. I could see it, but I never knew the true pain of it until now. She had the mother daughter relationship with her mom that her and I shared. Inseparable. So very close. It's so hard without her.
I just want to thank you and let you know I appreciate your words of wisdom on this very tough and trying day.... My mom would thank you for making her baby girl feel comfort too :)
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kazarina
You have me crying with you now. So you really aren't alone. May each day lighten your heart & may your memory of your beautiful mother inspire you to be just like her. You aren't alone.
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She was a woman I am so proud to be like.... :)
Thanks for being so great, and giving the best advice and making this night bearable. :) it means more than you know!
Sending you my best bear hug
Xx
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kazarina
I wish I could do more than words to help you, just remember you are always close to your mums heart. Space may seperate you both but love knows no boundries & she will always be in your heart as you are in hers. XX
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Very sweet.
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My mother died when she was only 40 and I was 18. I read your comments. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. There is not "too much" or "too little" grieving. There is no "good" for you not "good" for you grieving. Trust me, when you aren't so busy in your life, and it is not disrespectful to your mother, the emotions and grief will hit you like a ton of bricks and you will handle it. In your own time, in your own way and my deepest sympathy for your loss.

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Good morning Peace
Great words of understanding..
I hope your doing well and have an easy smile and peace
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Thank you... And you have my deepest sympathy as well. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go thru. It's reassuring to think I'm grieving "ok". I can't explain it- seeing my sister go thru a mental breakdown was scary.... So scary. And I'm all she had... And I couldn't help her back to reality.... It took her a while and a lot of meds to get back to semi normal again. See- she was in the car with my mother when she was killed. And ever since then, she really didn't grieve. She just kind of moved on. And then something made her snap and she went completely mad... I guess with so much bad around me, I'm paranoid that it could possibly happen to me too- I am "moving on" and not grieving because I simply have to many other stressors factored in right now...
But thank you for your reassurance- and your absolutely right- when there is a moment to get caught up in a thought or memory- it hits you like a freight train.... Such a horrible pain.
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Eclipse, please, please don't look at when that "moment" comes as a freight train and horrible pain. What I mean by saying a ton of brick was, you will finally be able to release what you have been holding on to, you will cry, you will yell, you will slam things, you will even laugh however, when this moment happens, it will be so cathartic for you. Please take care and I wish you nothing but the best.
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blades, good morning. wish I could say I was doing well today. perhaps tomorrow. thank you for asking.
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My condolences for your loss
All this advise given has been sound with the unfortunate experience that life is...
Much is asked of us at times.. to be strong for others and bear the weight of responsibility to our love ones whom we've lost..is merely two of many
Stay strong, take walks and spend this time pacing yourself until things slow enough for you to mourn and celebrate this life shared
Best regards

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Thank you....
I suppose sometimes we just have to remember to breathe.... And I think your right... I should take more walks. Maybe even a few alone without the kids trailing beside me. Give myself to think, to feel, to be.
Thanks again (:
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Your welcome
it's also important to take time NOT to think as well :)
That's what I do on my walks
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:) that might be a nice change of pace too!!!!
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I do hope that through you tears of sadness and loss.. You shed some tears of joy for the happy times you've shared and those funny moments that bring laughter
In time your feeling if loss will be replaced with the joy and laughter and honor it has been to share this life with yours
Our loved ones do not want our lives to become so sad from their absence that we can't feel and pursue happiness
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kazarina
Touching words with depth, soul & feeling Blade.
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Well I hope someday I can share more happy thoughts with laughter instead of tears. I suppose it's a lot to ask for right now seeings it's so fresh, but I'm hoping for it. It will be nice to think of the good times with happiness in my heart and a prettier picture in my head. But right now any memory is only a painful reminder of what I've lost. And boy did I lose a lot. She was all I had really, outside of my two siblings- no father to speak of, and aunts and uncles that live far away that I never really was able to build a relationship with due to distance. And she was the best too:) my best bud.
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I know this may be difficult to understand right now.. But
It is only through focusing on joyful times.. Do we honor this shared life... It is celebrating the times we share... Not the times we no longer have with them..
In the last 2 years I've lost my mother, oldest brother and last week my best childhood friend
Please don't get mired in the loss
It ultimately shows no honor to their time with us
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Wow. I'm so sorry Blade. But you are right. Thank you for that reminder. It really helps put things into perspective...
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*Blades! Lol perfect time for a typo....
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You are welcome..
I try to share that with all I meet who are navigating through loss
And there are many.
I quote my grandfather a great deal and others too, sharing memories of them with others keeps me close to them and very much alive in my heart
Shed no tees of joy for the wonderful people we know whom we've shared love and laughter with..
Lol if I weep.. It's for the living that bring only sorrow
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So sorry. You have some great advice here and very kind, concerned friends. Talking it out could be a step you needed to take.

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It's been 8 months, am I right? If you weren't still grieving, I'd say you didn't have a good relationship.
Had she been painfully suffering with a long term illness, it would be much more easily accepted. But she wasn't. It was a tragic, senseless, violent accident. You might think she suffered, but I want you to know the body has coping mechanisms. I'm sure she went into shock, and the pain left quickly.
I'm sure you are trying to make some sense out of the senseless. It's part of the stages of grief. No one can tell you how long it takes YOU to go through those stages. It takes however long it takes.
The problem is when you allow it to consume you. Is it affecting your ability to interact with family, friends and coworkers? Have you withdrawn into yourself? Are you not functioning? Is this what your Mom would want from you? We both know the answer to that. We raise our kids to go on without us. That time came sooner than you would like, but it came. You will NEVER forget, but it does get easier. It's up to you to do your best in life, as if she is always watching. Make her proud. I'm sorry for your loss.

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With all due respect, did you lose your sense of compassion toward another human being somewhere down the road?
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What are you reading into my comment?
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I found your comment to be very helpful.
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Thanks, Ravin. I suppose, if my comment is read without thought, it could be misconstrued.
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Medic, my sincere apologies. I was on the wrong screen. I was commenting on another question posted close to this member's. Your response was most kind, informative and very compassionate. Recuperating from major neck surgery, unable to sleep well and it was late. Again, my apologies. I gave you a star. Please enjoy your day.
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I understand. I hope your surgery went well, and you have a rapid recovery.
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