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How do I tell my dad it's okay to pass on(die)without crying so he won't worry about me? He's holding on because he's worried for his kids.

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Much sympathy, Sin, but not too many words of wisdom, I'm afraid.

Death has to affect us individually, there's no set way to face it, no way to do it right. We just muddle through the best way we can, and then we're gone. For those we leave behind it's a lot harder for they have to live with a hollowness that can't be filled.

How to tell him without tears? You'd need to be a lot stronger than me, and a lot harder than you obviously are. I don't believe you can do that. But let him see the tears, let him feel the love, because that is going to support him in the only possible way.

I hope you don't feel this trivialises his passing, or your heartbreak, but Gandalf had something to say that has a reassuring feel to it. If it's inappropriate, please disregard it.

"The journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it: White shores ... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise."

That's only a metaphor but who knows what lies beyond?

It doesn't help much to say this, Sin, but we'll all be thinking of you, and caring.

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So difficult for her.
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You are so wise, Dodgy. She'll appreciate that.
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Thanks, SBH, but I don't feel wise. In this case I feel definitely inadequate.
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Thank you so much Dodzy. It was absolutely beautiful. I am going to read this all over and over again ad I go to sleep tonight. You helped me with this a few days ago when I just found out. Your words are actually very comforting as are all these wonderful answers . I am truly fortunate to have such good loyal friends on Ask and I met a fee new ones through this question and not one person said anything out of place. Just one of the best experiences I've ever and will have on here . My sister is going to read all these in the mornInv to but I know how you feel, that sometimes there ate just no words...but you found just the right ones like everyone else did. This is what will get me through this. Thank you again so very much, especially for answering after I tracked you down on another question for help on this. It's been a few days since I first told you and it's sinking in now and I am handling it a lot better than when I first contacted you. Thank you.
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I did remember what you say and realise that his journey over the past few years may may it more difficult for him ... or perhaps easier. He has every right to be grateful that he has such a caring daughter.
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That is appropriate. I find it reassuring. Nice of you to share Dodgy.
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Hi Merlin.
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Hi ;)
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Are you going to die?

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No it's my dad who is.
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Ohh I'm so sorry. But there is a time for everything: even death as the bible says. I have just one sincere request of you: please make sure that you and your father are Christians because there IS a life after death and there IS a Heaven and Hell. I'm so sorry I think you should just tell him the truth and comfort him while he is still with you. My condolences:(
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Thank you so much. My sister has helped with that for him. Thank you.
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Again, I'm so sorry. I will pray for you as you go through this hard time!
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I'm so sorry. I would just try to calmly tell him how you feel and how much you miss him.

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Thank you I will do my best. It's tomorrow I go see him.
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Good luck. God bless you
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Tell him God will be with you... That you re in good hands. Gby

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Thank you very much for answering.
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glory to God
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I recently lost my Dad last October to Alzheimer's and he was pitiful in the end but fought hard. I found comfort in just talking to my Dad as much as I could toward the end about good memories and what a great Dad he was. It made me and him think positively and not dwell on what was already in God's hands. Just show him your love and he will let go when he is ready. My prayers are with you; I know how hard it is to say goodbye.

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Thank you. I will try.
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My older brother did the same. He hung on until my mother gave him permission/reassurance to go forward with blessings. Shortly thereafter, he passed. One of those Life lessons no one wants to learn, but must for the "health" of all individuals involved. Give yourself time to grieve/heal at one's own pace. God Speed - Safe Journey.

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Thank you howlin.
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Welcome
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tattoogirl

Aawww Sincerity!! I am sooo sorry to hear that you are going through this! I have been in your shoes, it is not easy by any means, just be honest with your dad!! Talk to him, he knows you are gonna cry, my goodness sweetie!!! Don't be worried or scared, he knows that he is being called home, it is most likely he wants to make sure you all understand!! My dad was worried up to the last couple of days before he could no longer talk. They are still parents that think they can still protect us at even that point. You know the love you feel for your own children & would be doing the same thing!!
Tell him you love him & thank him for everything!! Then kiss & hug him & let him know that even thought he won't be here physically, you will be talking to hin & always thinking of him!!
I'm here for you Sin if you need or want to talk!! I know its been a really rough lately!! ((Hugs)) to you my friend!! Sending peaceful thoughts your way!! Take care!!

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This helps a lot tatoogirl. Thank you so much. I will do this.
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tattoogirl
Your welcome!! Again ((HUGS)) !!
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dustee
I agreed....my love to you sincerity
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Aww, what a sweet comment Tattoogirl. Just lovely.
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Thank you sweeter-here I go again right? I think it's thinking it will be like my son that brings such sadness but it's not the same thing. I need to realize this if I could JUST GET IT THROUGH MY THICK HEAD. thank you again friend.
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HoneyDewAndBees
I don't understand what is the big deal about mis spelling one word tattogirl?
Do you like making fun of me?
God!
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@honeydew-I promise she won't do that again, ok? Sometimes we all are guilty of getting silly on here because we all know each other on this site and we forget sometimes. No one meant to hurt your feelings but they got hurt and we are all sorry for that. I'm sure tatoogirl will come here after work and apologize and we will all make sure we are very careful. You answer a lot of good questions and you are a great Ask member. We wouldn't want to lose you for anything on here. I would like to follow you on here if it's ok with you and we can be friends. Okay? I hope so!
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Oh no...she closed her account...she left. I would do anything to have a way to get a hold of her.
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Hon, this site requires a thick skin sometimes. She would have left sooner or later anyway, and I'm sorry. Maybe she'll come back at a later time, after she's gotten back her perspective.
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tattoogirl
Ok ppl first of all I do not know who HoneyDewAndBees is! Second I was not even speaking to her I was speaking to someone else!! What I mentioned is that spelling on this site is very bad, some of the most simple words are misspelled and I said it is sad because there is auto correct and spell check. Then I said what is wrong with just learning how to spell correctly.
So if someone's feelings got hurt because of that, I'm very sorry and if they close their account because I said that well then they certainly have more problems with something else not me!
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...and auto correct doesn't always know what we intend to say when we type something in does it?!
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I went through this same thing. I prayed for strength to handle it without breaking down. Thankfully, I was able to do it. It's very hard but I believe you to be a strong woman. You will get through this. God bless.

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Thank you so much Ravin. I will get through this yes. I will try to get some rest. I leave early in the morning. thank you again.
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I hope it doesn't offend you if I say I'm going to pray for you and your family as you go through this.
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Pray of course pray. It dies t offend me at all. I've always said I wasn't "religious" but I believe. Thank you so much.
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I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. Just tell him that you love him and let him know that you'll be OK. Tell him not to worry that you'll see him again some day. Please know that all our thoughts are with you.

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Thank you pitbullmom so much. Thank you again.
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Sorry to hear about your Dad! I went through it with mine years ago. He held on in a comatose state until I told him it was ok to go! Yeah, I cried, but felt that I had to tell him one last time that I loved him and it was time for him to let go! He took one more breath and passed! As soon as I said the words I felt closure, from the look on his face he seamed to be calm and ready to go! My time is coming, knowing my kids love me and learned from me is a feeling of accomplishment, and peace of mind knowing they will survive and love their children as much as I did them!

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How wise you are RKop!
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Never really though about my posts being wise. Just writing from the heart!
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You're always so sweet retired cop. Thank you so much. Getting ready to leave now to see him to say it's ok to go. Thank you so much.
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My dear friend! I know this is so hard for you, and yes, it is harder for your dad. He must be reassured. Everyone else has told you to tell him how much you love him, and I'm sure you have done that. But he has to be reassured that as a daddy he has done a good job. Please tell him that he has done a remarkable job with all his children ( even the one who ran away that you told me about) and that he taught all of you to be wonderful parents following his example. He taught you right from wrong, gave you good practical common sense, inspired you to become educated and to help others... And you can go on from there personalizing it as only you can. Once he is reassured and relieved that he has fulfilled his "fatherly duties" you are subliminally giving him "permission to cross the bar." He needs to know he has taught you to be successful human beings that are loving and compassionate, which you certainly are. You will find that, even tho the tears flow, you will both be at peace.
When I told my 85 year old comatose mama that her 2 doggies were with me and that there was enough money to take care of them for as long as they lived, and how proud I was to have been her daughter and thanked her for being such a good mama, the brain waves fluttered on the monitor and she flatlined. The nurses said I had given her "permission" to cross.

I hope this helps. You and your family will be in my prayers.

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Oh my now I know what to say. Of course I felt it but this lays it all out and these are the words he deserves to hear. My sister (the one) is with him now and I am getting ready to drive there now. Thank you so much! My other sister died last year at a young age of a stroke and my dad keeps talking about her and my mom who ded (oops! Even though he's remarried). This helps so much.
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God bless you. He never gives you more than you and He together can handle. Peace. Be safe.
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You're welcome. Take lots of deep breaths. Give him something small of yours or a picture to hold in his hand to take with him when he crosses. It will help all of you.
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My dear mom had the same questions/worries. My sister and I both told her she had done a wonderful job with us and given us everything we needed to know to live happy lives. We reassured her that we would take care of each other, and of her granddaughter. I know it brought her peace. We did have to tell her more than once. Sin, anybody who turned out as loyal, compassionate, and gentle as you must have been raised by a wonderful father! I recommend Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul, by Jack Canfield. It helped me very much after Mom passed. I am giving you a gentle hug, a listening ear, and my prayers.

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Oh thank you Koi Koi. This helps a lot. On my way now to drive to him and I will tell him these words. Thank you so much! I will let you know.
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I pray you'll be comforted knowing your dear one will walk with God, as do you. Remember the poem about Footsteps in the Sand when you think you can't go on, He will carry you.
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Dearest Sincerity, I am so terribly sorry this is happening. This is what my uncle did: he was dying of liver failure. He met at the hospital with each of his children and grandchildren and said what needed to be said to each. When each person had accepted the inevitable, my uncle refused all medical intervention and died peacefully. Maybe it would work in reverse for your dad. Meet one by one with him and tell him all the things that you need to say, including that you are fine and that you accept what cannot be changed. Tell him your plans for the future and let him see each of you as stable, settled adults. Perhaps if he knows he did a good job as a parent and that everyone is coping, he will let himself drift away from you. I wish this wasn't happening to you. (((hugs)))

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Thank you so much B this helps. I need to be strong so he can see his children are okay. He was supposed to die when he got in a car wreck last year but he's been suffering a year instead. He needs some peace . I may be off here for a while but I have your mail and will let you know. Thank you again.
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Please keep in touch.
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So sorry S!
Just do what your heart tells you, tears and all. It's ok, you won't look back with regret. You can let him know you are sad, you don't have to be so strong,you know.

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Thank you so much Bubb. You have a really good point. Tomorrow he goes in hospice and I'm not sure how long it will take then. Also, I got an emergency call today my daughter's lung collapsed a second time in 2 weeks she's only 26 so now they are doing the emergency surgery where they have to attach the lung back to the check wall. So am on my way to her hospital now then the drive tomorrow again to see my dad. Thank you for your kind sweet words friend.
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Chest wall not check wall****
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Oh my gosh S! If it makes you feel any better my good friend has twin boys, age 15. One had lung collapse, in hospital, couldn't do his sports, fly on plane, no track, lay low. He completely recovers then his twin gets collapsed lung!!! It was nuts! This was last summer. One of them went down again but both are recovered and fine. Still don't know cause. So hang in there. Not what you need now!!
As far as dad goes, he knows you are strong and going to be ok, he knows.
You don't have to hold it in. Tell him you are going to be just fine because you are his girl. Crying is ok S.
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Okay. I will let things unfold as they are supposed to when we talk in the morning.
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I was interrupted when I wrote the last comment. Oh my gosh about your twins and their lungs too!!! I am wondering if perhaps there was something congenital (though I don't know what it could be) that caused weakness somewhere in the lung of my daughter but to have BOTH of your sons have this happen ai bet you felt like you were in the Twilight Zone!!! But I have been in contact with Medic on here about it and he has a big help. So the surgeon came in tonight and said he wasn't sure what time since his squeezing her in as an emergency case and I'm just so tired my eyes are crossed so please excuse any spelling errors. I am off teacher duty ha ha thanks again!!!!
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You're welcome! And yes, Medic is awesome! He's very smart!
( it is my friends twin boys and they are doing fine. They went on spring break trip but one couldn't fly due to lung issues, so half Drove, half fly, whatever works right ?
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Oh sorry I saw it was your friend's twins. Hmmm...I will have to ask her doctor now about that part about flying. We have family in Las Vegas she visits. Thanks for mentioning that. She's out of surgery and still in hospital. Not sure when she goes home.
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OK, I typed a really long comment on my iPod tough and my dog came over and touched it with her nose and switched to another screen. Anybody have a use for a dead dog?
ATTEMPT #2 (not as long): I'm afraid I can't be of use on this one. I defer to your better judgement. However, your daughter, I may be able to calm your fears, somewhat. Back in the old days, when I was in the ER, they used a talc-like substance to cause the lung to adhere to the thoracic wall. Now, they need to do a more aggressive technique. ONE collapsed lung may seem scary, but it's not high on the emergency scale. There are quite a few people roaming around with only one lung. In the field, it can be treated by EMT-basics. It might be a good idea for you and her husband, to learn how to do it, incase she developes a history of this. Was the initial cause from coughing? If so, was she placed on a cough suppressant? Was the second time from coughing? I'd like to hear about the next procedure, sometime. I'll be thinking about you, and her, so let me know how you are doing. OK?

Have you ever heard of the expression "you have a lot on your plate"? You must have a very big plate.

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Yes true big plate. The first one from coughing. I just got back from hospital and she said she and her husband were just sitting on the couch and she felt a pain in her right upper side and she said," It hurts again and it feels like, yup, it just did it again . It collapsed". And she had only been home a week. So the surgeon came in and I may have this wrong but he said he was going to cause an "injury" and then adhere the lung to the correct spot and it would be the healed scar tissue that holds it together. I don't know if it's still the powder or not bit will find out. She had 3 holes/scars now on her side from the first one and now she will have one on her upper back, one on the front,side, and back a little loser down so 7 total incisions but all supposed to be smaller than 2-3 inches. Will know tomorrow afternoon. Don't know the cause. She is only 5'7''
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And weighs just 113 because she contracted mono from foster children she was caring for. So I wonder if being sick with that for 2 months caused this. Well, so tired. Going to try and sleep. Thank you so much and I will let you know the latest on how they took cafe of this procedure .
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Sounds like they will go in and scrape the linings to get them to scar together.
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Hi Since&medic, oof-da! Talk about a lot! My Sister had the surgery your daughter is having, and yes it's as medic said; scraping the lining so the scar tissue binds the two. My sister's "just happened" also; no particular straining or anything, she thought it was a really bad muscle pull or so..us Half Norwegians are too tough sometimes! Just like your daughter it seems.. Because after the surgery, lots of pain & discomfort, she said that actually; at the time it happened it hurt like a B---h! Good news is that the procedure seems to work quite well, and my Sis has been fine now for over 10 years and she plays tennis at least once a week, bikes, sails, gardens and more! So your daughter should be fine after a bit of healing!:-).
They did find out what the cause was; she had some sort of bubble in the lining, I can't remember what the condition is called right now, maybe medic knows? I will try to find the name for you, and post tomorrow if I can. Seems quite common cause for lung collapse, usually more so in young adults( Sis not that!) .
And yes, it could happen again, but the odds are no higher than they would be for the average person according to her Lung Specialist. So, not sure if your daughter's due to same but seems that by doing this surgery her chances of full recovery and healthy lung going forward are very good!:-). Wish I still had all my research to give you..
Hope she does well and take care of yourself some also please?
How's the Baby doing?
Get back to you later if/when find info.:-)
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She just finished her surgery 4 hours ago around 6pm central time and is in a lot of discomfort. They have the baby in there with them and her husband takes care of it. Right now the baby only sleeps and eats-never cries. It hasn't "woken up" yet from the birth. It was 3 weeks early and is TINY. Spent all day with my dad and they had one bed available for hospice and they gave it to him and he moves in there tomorrow. I will be driving an hour each way every day until it's time. I'm pretty tired so going to bed. Goodnight everyone.
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Hi Witt. Your daughter sounds like fun. How about giving her my number? HAHA That was a joke, kinda.
I think you are talking about pneumothorax caused by a "bleb" (small air-filled space in the lung, like a weakened area of the lung wall) that bursts, often because of a change in air pressure.
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Sincerity, good to hear she made it through the surgery ok! Yep, she will be quite uncomfortable and in pain for a few weeks, but hopefully it will be the last of that problem. Medic gave the name and what happened with my sister, don't know if that's anything like your daughters case. Let us know how things go when you get a chance, and take care!

@medic, yes! Thank you! That's the name I was l looking for! As I mentioned, my Sis did well recuperated from the surgery, lot of pain and discomfort, but just fine after a month or so.:-). Hope Sincerity's daughter does as well!
And sorry but think you mis-read.. I don't have a daughter, that was all my Sis I was referring to.:-). She IS fun ( and kinda bossy, lol) , also Married with two grown kids so don't think you want her #.. Her Daughter is an amazing, beautiful young woman, she's a P.A. In Emergency at hospital , but she's taken also! Not married.. So should anything change.. Will let you know! Ha,ha..
btw, what could cause a lung to collapse like Sincerity's daughters did and twice? And why did they not do the surgery on her in the first place and yet with my Sis they did? Just wondering if you have any ideas;
As usual,why/where/what... Thanks again!:-).
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Everybody's throwing around all these familial relationships, that I got confused.
I missed that she recently had a baby. Maybe straining during delivery caused the weakened wall to pop (straining = change in air pressure). If C-section, maybe aggressive bagging while intubated.
They probably attempt the least invasive procedure first, the get more aggressive, as needed .Every area is different. Standard Operating Procedures may be determined by State Medical Board, Regional Medical Association, Hospital, etc.
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Morning B. I wish I had seen this question sooner. I don't have an answer for you that someone else hasn't already given. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. You know how to get ahold of me if you need to vent.
*HUGE cyber hugs to you*

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Thank you CJ ! I was holing you would see this but I had to go to bed early last night. It turned out I don't go until tomorrow instead of today to I'm so glass for your hugs. Thank you so much and if I need to talk I will get you during the day and whenever you see it you can answer. I think I'll be okay bit this is my problem. My little sister says he lookems so bad she says I will be so upset (my family is so protective of me since everyone around me keeps dying) and she says he is just a skeleton but you know I will see his eyes not his body. Well it's tomorrow morning I go and I've had a few days to prepare .I will let you know how it goes . I know you had to do this with your dad too. Thank you CJ my friend :)
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It's hard. And there's nothing I can say to prepare you for it. :( I really wish I had something I could tell you.
Keep your chin up sweetie. And just know there are people who do care about you, and are here, even if it's "just" online.
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Oh geez forgive the errors. I'm going to bed. I can't see a thing! Good night and I'm so glad I stayed awake until you saw this.!!!
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Am so sorry I missed this before Sincerity, know what you are going through and how difficult this must be for you. nothing I say will change that but I do know that telling your father how you feel and that it's ok for him to let go will help you and may allow him to feel it is ok. to go also.
I sat with my Dad and just rubbed his hair and talked to him for quite a while when he was completely bed ridden and like your Dad not in the best shape after many years of Alzheimer's and consequent problems, he looked me straight in the eyes and I repeated that I loved him and that us kids would always be there for our Mom and he smiled. we left to go to our house and we got the call 10 minutes into the drive that he had passed away. I hope all I said somehow got through and helped him, but know that just being there with him calmed and soothed him and was a good thing for us both. hope you can find some solace by being there and saying your goodby's. Am here if you need a shoulder to cry on or anything else! Love and Big Hugs to you dear friend.

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Thank you so much Whitt. I just got back from being there all day and guess what?? My daughters Kung collapsed AGAIN so she has to have surgery this time and is having surgery RIGHT NOW-she just went in. My dad is in so much pain no matter what they give him but I do the best I can to help him feel better and will go there everyday until he passes on. Thank you again so much . Think I will lay down for a bit.
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Agh Sincerity, wish I could give you a big hug and both my shoulders to help take some of your very heavy load. Read about and commented on your daughter under medic's answer, will try to find more info for you. Hope you are finding some peace by spending this time with your Dad and that he does not suffer for too much more. Please try to look after yourself also dear friend, you need a bit of rest also. Talk with ya later... Hugs and lots of strenght!!!
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your so strong... is your dad still alive..

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Hi Hawk-no he died. I took care of him until the end. It was a privilege and an honor . He died 1 week after I posted this. Thank you for answering my questions Hawk!!! I'm charging phone but will get back to you on the others you have answered!!!! :-) thank you friend (kiss on the cheek )
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