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I recently realized that my fianc? has membership to a few sites...I pay the bills his business took a hit , but I refuse to entertain porn.

when I confronted him he said it was not porn, the charges were from us buying toys... then I notice more and more charges on my account and called the number on the invoice to find out for myself... I had canceled all the accounts and demanded a refund ,so at this point he knows I know... I understand one mistake but 5-6 different account , now I know he is not telling me the truth... when asked about $200-300 in iTunes a month charges I lost my temper screaming about the charges, but really I was upset knowing he watches porn but could not bring it up to him, because he would deny it... he has not spoken to me for a week now,and I don't know what he is trying to say... I should be the one hurting not him, he got bought lying not me... I am so confused about his behavior , we have a very healthy sex life, he tells me how he adores me and how lucky he is, but his behavior confuses me . How can I approach him?

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I don't have answers, because I don't know all the details. So all I can offer is a little brainstorming.
1) Porn is bad when it diminishes something. Did it contribute to his business decline? Did it take time away from his work?
Porn is good if it contributes in a positive way. You say sex life is good. Some couples watch together. Sex therapy uses it. It is used in fertility clinics.
2). You say you "confronted him." You caught him by surprise. He was embarrassed and he reacted quickly with the first thing that came to mind.
3) If you are now the "bill payer" and are now assuming the dominant role, you may jeopardize the relationship.
4) In negotiations, you need to bargain like a lawyer, or a general. What that means is you give them a way out of the situation, a path of least resistance, in the direction that you want them to go. You didn't do that. You failed and it may damage the relationship.
5). You got what you wanted. There is no more porn. Or did you really get what you want? You will have to wait and see how your relationship progresses.

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When I asked if he has membership on porn sites he denied, he said that he had purchase toys for us from an adult site, however when I called they told me he was downloading porn ... So I know for a fact! And I wouldn't care he watches porn ,I just don't want to know about it... He is an attorney he is used to have money , but now that he separated his practice from his partner ,he is going thru a hat time, he feels that his hard work for many years is gone... I just wish he would talk to me ... Communication is so important in a relationship...
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Also I have never made him feel powerless, I gave him my debit card and never asked one question about any charges that he made... we are partners and we help each other. I am a reasonable person, I try to understand what he is going thru ...
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You need to give him time to explain any suspicious activity you. If you got the bills from iTunes, then it does not mean that he watches porn unless you have the evidence from all the things he has been downloading. He may be hurting that way knowing that there is nothing wrong he has done. You both need to sit down on table to sort this issue.

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He is refusing to talk to me... And I don't know if he is embarrassed or what... I know he is not using iTunes for porn, I just didn't know how to tell him I know about him watching porn so I lost my temper and blame it on the iTunes charges ... But he knows I know because his memberships got canceled when u called and asked to refund my account since I didn't authorized the charges...
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you can give him time to calm down. he will be able to talk to you after sometime.
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Watching porn isn't really that big of a deal. All men do it whether or not they admit it. You have to just talk to him about it. He may not even be spending money on that.

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Tell him to use the free sites if it's the money you are worried about.
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Thank you for your response, this helps a lot !
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You're welcome! Don't stress out about it. Hope all goes well! Good luck! :)
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I gave a star for a healthy attitude, but I wouldn't say every man does. :)
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Yea, I guess some may not. All the ones I know do though! lol. I've never really been offended by my bf watching it. We have a very strong and healthy relationship too!
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You go girl! :)
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If you think about it, it's the quickest and easiest way to find out what he likes. If you know what he likes, you can easily please him. If he's pleased, he will never want to let you go.
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Exactly. He tried to hide it but I knew he had magazines and watched it . One day I just told him, " Hey, I don't care if you watch it. You don't have to hide it anymore" lol.
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It's made our relationship so much better in some, um, areas. lol.
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He is obviously aware of your problem with it, and knows you will freak out if he tells you. It's perfectly normal within reason, but it does sound like he is spending a lot of money on it. I use free sites, he needs to know you don't have to pay. And you need to know its normal and not an issue unless you stop having sex.

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I wouldn't put up with it either. That was one of the things that destroyed my first marriage. It makes you feel like your not good enough. Or it did me

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FunnyLittleFrog

Maybe see a counselor...I mean you two have issues you need to work out before marriage.It's best to learn how to communicate, or the marriage won't work.

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Watching porn on occasion is not a big deal. He is an adult and if he can afford to pay for it, it is harmless enough. What the bigger problem is the deception about it.

If you as a couple, can not afford luxuries like on line purchases .. Then, you have to discuss .. I repeat DISCUSS purchasing habits, and come to some sort of compromise to keep the peace. The moment you start dictating what he can and can not do, you are going to create an impasse. If you are going to be a couple, then start thinking like a couple without without losing your individuality and common sense.

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What everyone else here doesn't seem to realize or acknowledge (except Medic brought up the consequences of this I am about to say) is that he is now addicted to it. The ADDICTION is causing him to be deceitful, not you. It could be keeping him from giving 100% to finding a job. He kept doing "something" though you're not positive what, that costs at least $300 AFTER you said something. I took everything you said and put it together and yup he's got an addiction. I was married to an addict once and this is one thing I learned. One addiction is always replaced by another unless they get help. This is not about porn although I'm going to say I disagree with it because of what it does...it degrades and many in porn have been abused sexually but it seems to work for some COUPLES and that's great. But this isn't a "couple" activity with the both of you, it's a "him and someone else on the Internet " activity which is causing dissention in your relationship . THAT'S how you know it's wrong in this instances. More in comments.

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Exain to him you were caught off guard by this and you didn't know how to handle it as well as you could have and that you feel he needs help with this. Because nothing good for your relationship is coming out of this except for his temporary pleasure between "him and someone fictional" on the Internet . He KNOWS there's a problem or there'd be no sneaking around. I'd check and see if he's been going to Gentlemen Clubs also. Then you'll have your proof.
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I wish you the best of luck and as Funny Little Frog says, get counseling and don't get married until you've both come up with a plan. He doesn't need to be made to feel any worse than he does except if you find out it is involving other things illegal. This conflict is on his mind all the time.
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You are right about that. The iTunes spending spree shows he's a "shopaholic." People who have an addiction, have an "addictive personality." I put that in quotes, because I personally think its weak-willed, or low character. For example, a strong-willed person doesn't submit to peer pressure.
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I didn't bring up counseling, because I thought money was an issue. Eventually, that will need to be addressed.
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I don't know if I would cloud this issue with the automatic label of "addiction" necessarily .. People are far too quite to pop THAT word into every scenario. Not every repeated wrong doing is an 'addiction' .. There is not enough information here to deem that label .. What I think is happening is .. like a child playing with matches .. he's fascinated but also knows that it's 'bad' (for moral AND financial reasons) .. but has gotten 'busted' .. AND like a child, he thinks he can deny it, or can try to hide it because he'll 'get into big trouble' otherwise. Which also explains his defensive behavior.

Who knows .. addiction or just bad judgment .. it's any body's guess.

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That should say .. "People are far too QUICK to pop THAT word into every scenario"
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I agree bikergirl.
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But now he is hiding , he refuses to speak to me... I have no idea how to even approach him anymore....
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He's probably embarrassed. :/
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Thank you all for your advise ...
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