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Past problems... Unsure if I should tell my boyfriend... Any suggestions?

Ok... So this is kind of a big deal. I have had a baby, and my current boyfriend doesn't know. (it isn't his) And he has almost caught me talking to the baby daddy on multiple occasions. I am unsure if I should tell my boyfriend (I'm afraid he'll leave me). Is it wrong for me to keep this from him? My baby's daddy has him, and I see him every weekend. If I was going to tell him... How would I? My baby is 9months old. I've been with my boyfriend almost 5months. Help please!

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Not good to date until you can be honest with yourself..

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Short, sweet, and to the point, and I agree...
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I am honest with myself.
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Ellie you are not honest with yourself, you said to somebody else that it's a big secret,,, excuse the interruption Blades...
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You referred to the birth of your child as a past problem....
I hope your weren't being honest
Maybe that's as honest as you can be..but your child should never have to know you felt that way
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It's cool Sarte!
I think you know what I mean...
Lol carry on :)
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No, I didn't refer to the birth of my child as a past problem, by ex is the problem. And yes, I am honest with myself. I know I have a child. I have no problem denying that
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I do, thank you...
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You do what?
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I am not insulting my child in any way.
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I don't know how long you've dated this dude or how old you child is...but you seem serious enough to be intimate with him physically .. So why not be intimate enough to be honest?
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When you hide your Childs existence from anyone for any reason.. Your insulting your child
Sorry but it's true
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Oh Blades, the winning hand...)
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Darn I already folded!
I took your advise lol
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I bluffed ya b i tch...)
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No its not true. At all.
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Ok well toy will handle this how you choose..,good luck
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Haha Sarte.. I guess I am
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Now would be a good time to tell him. If he leaves, then he wasn't right for you in the first place. He needs to know the "whole you" not just the "weekday you"

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But I don't want him to leave...
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ellie if you would have been honest with him in the 1st place you wouldn't have to worry about him leaving.
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Yeah because that's a good relationship starter 'oh yeah I have a baby'
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ellie sweety, I didn't mean on the 1st date or 1st contact with the man but I meant within 1 month at the most. What are you going to do when you're child wants to meet the grandparents? What do you tell your boyfriend where you're going when you visit your baby? I'm just looking out after your best interest so please don't think I'm being rude or mean.
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My boyfriend works on the weekend. So while he's working, I go and see my baby. My son sees his grandma (my ex's mom) just not my parents. It'll be a while before he's old enough to want to see his other grandparents.
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Thanks for answering my question ellie. What do you tell your boyfriend when he ask you what you did that day? Again I'm not trying to be rude but trying to make a point.
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I tell him I'm just out and about, visiting people.
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Ok ellie. Be real & tell him & tell him now before he wants to make a commitment. If he gets mad & leaves you, just be patient & if it was meant to be he'll come around. If not, he's not for you & don't ever do anything like this again. Telling him you're visiting people is not right because you're still holding out. Stop it now before it becomes a bad habit.

No more commenting from me tonight. I just really care about the truth & nothing but the truth. I don't like to sugar-coat anything.
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Neither do I. Thanks for your... helpful suggestions.
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You should never feel like you should keep things a secret in a relationship, and if you really loves you he will not leave you because of what you did in the past!

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But see, this is kind of a big secret....
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Tell him. He doesn't deserve you if he can't handle the truth.

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I'm just afraid of what he'll think of me.
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Sooner or later you're going to have to tell him. As soon as you think your current boyfriend might be permanent is the time to tell him. The longer you put it off, the more he's going to wonder what else you might be hiding.

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That's true... But I don't know when "he might be permanent" is, to be completely honest.
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Well, when you start to feel serious about him, it's time to mention "serious" things, like your child.
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jollyrancher9080

id say tell the truth

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Well, how would I say it?
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A relationship based on secrets is a relationship that is doomed, tell your boyfriend that you care about him and you want him to understand and that it's important that you have communication together, and then tell him the story, if he's worthy he'll accept it, if he's not you'll know he's not the right one...

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I want to tell him, but I also don't want him to get involved with my ex.
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You have two choices, tell him, or deceive him, and he has no involvement with your ex, you share a child together, if you have no feelings for him any longer that is your only involvement...
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But if my boyfriend wants to see my baby... He's inevitably going to meet my ex.
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Very well said Sarte!
I would rather be alone with my child than to be stressing out over hiding things
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Sarte I see your interruption
And raise you one interruption lol
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So what, it's life, deal with it, like I said if your boyfriend's got a problem with that he's not the one for you, you are wrapping yourself in secrets, find your integrity, base your life on it and then people will come to you and you'll never have to seek their approval again... And tell your parents...
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Blades I'm holding a Royal Flush, fold while you can :)
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I'm out.. Thank for allowing me to exit with my pants :)
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Oh there's a picture :)
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Ahhh no way, I'm not telling my parents. That's like being suicidal :P
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Get him a into a Math class and maybe he will figure out

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Be honest and tell him. My question is: in what manner or fashion has your boyfriend almost "caught you talking" to your "baby daddy"? If you are talking about issues you share with your son, you have nothing to hide. If you are talking in the way of "you and him", you need to re-evaluate your current relationship. I don't know how you are talking to the "baby daddy" so I am just throwing that out there. My answer still remains the same. Why would he leave you because you had a relationship in the past? If this guy is going to be in your life for ANY period of time, you are doing your son an unjust by "hiding" him. If this guy cares about you, he will accept your son. Period. If he has a problem with it, there would be no discussion with me which one would be out of the picture....it certainly wouldn't be my son. How do you tell him? You tell him this "I have a son, from a former relationship, and I am tired of hiding it from you. If we are going to remain together, you need to know he is and always will be a part of my life."

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But see, I don't want my boyfriend to see or meet my ex. I communicate with him by text (a couple of times I forgot to delete the messages, and panicked when my boyfriend went through my phone). The only time I talk to my ex is when I am planning to see my son. He's just nine months, and to be completely honest I only see him because I feel like I need to. His father cares for him normally, and I want nothing to do with my ex. I am not financially secure enough to take care of my baby and also, nobody in my family knows.
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ellie, when you get involved in any relationship it has to include family. Yours & his if it's going to be long term.
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I understand that, but I don't want him involved with any of that.
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FunnyLittleFrog

If you are so scared to talk about your baby or even be seen talking to the father, why are you even dating? You could at least wait a year.

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I love my baby and also, I only talk to my ex about my baby. I love my boyfriend and I am ready to date. I've been with him for almost 5 months.
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Have you heard of deceit by omission? That's what you're doing, and it's wrong. You're misrepresenting yourself. You lie to him to cover up your secret. You justify it by saying that you fear you will lose him. You will lose him by NOT telling him. Having a child is a big deal to keep from someone you're dating for 5 months!!! The longer you wait, the worse it gets because he may resent you for not being forthcoming about your situation from the beginning. You've also created a trust issue now because he may question if you're holding back on anything else. In addition, if you can keep something this big from him, he may wonder what will you keep from him in the future. Will he be able to trust you? Lack of trust is a relationship killer.

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And I completely understand that, and I agree, its just, I don't know how to tell him without letting him get involved
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ellie, why don't you want him involved?
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Because my ex is... aggressive..
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Ellie, you've already involved your boyfriend by simply dating him. By being involved with you, he's involved in the situation. He just doesn't know it yet. I'm sure your boyfriend is a grown man and can take care of himself, so let him handle himself with your agressive ex. Do not give your ex that kind of control and power over you or your new relationship.

As far as how to tell him, just sit him down and tell him that there is something that he needs to know, and just say it! Be totally honest, about everything, including the ex. He may take it better than you think, but the longer you hold this, the bigger hole you're digging for yourself, and this relationship may not be able to overcome this.
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Thank you so much catwoman1121 - I actually appreciate the advice you have given me. I will tell him now, in the way you suggested, because in every way you are right. Thanks again :)
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You're welcome, Ellie, and good luck. Let me know how it went.
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@catwoman1121 excellent advice!!!
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Thanks, CG. Hope she took it.
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Don't say "this is kind of a big deal" because it's not 'kind of' it is a BIG DEAL. You should have told him a long time ago. You can't have a good relationship without being honest. It's best that he hears it from you because he will find out.

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He never asked... So its not like I'm being dishonest, because I never actually lied to him about it.
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I don't think the 1st thing a person aska in a relationship is "Do you have a baby?" Just think of it this way, how would you feel if held something like that from you? A baby is not something you hide from anyone. Wouldn't it be nice for him to know & get to know your child? Now I don't know him but I'm thinking he's not going to be too happy you held back something of great importance. He may even start wondering what else you have not told him.

Good luck.
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Thanks, I'll need it.
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you need to tell him, relationships are based on trust, and he can't trust you if you aren't honest with him about everything, and let him know about everything. I doubt he will leave you over this, and if he does, he wasn't worth it in the first place. If he is really a good guy, he will jump into it head first and love the child just as much as he loves you.

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Thank you. FINALLY, someone who isn't rude and judging me.
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not a problem
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This is hard but please be honest. It should have been said from the first but i understand (a little) why you didnt tell your bf. A relationship is only as good as you make it. Being honest is number one in building one. I would tell him but also i would tell him that you was waiting to see how you two would turn out before you opened your baby up to him. When you do you come clean on anything (if any) else you have been keeping from him but also you need to tell him you expect the same. Good Luck

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I just don't know how to tell him that I don't want him involved in my child's life. I just don't want him getting involved with my ex. Is that bad?
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OMG you have to tell him. He's your boyfrined.Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. And he's gonna find out some time. Keeping the fact that you have a child away from him is huge.

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we had the same issue before.....you should tell your boyfriend ASAP...coz he'll get disappointed for sure if he'll know the truth from another people...if he really loves you he will accept you for who you are,for who you were,and for who you will be....^_^...

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Ellie, I've read through the answers and your responses here. It seems to me that your own family doesn't know about the baby, either? You seem rather lost. That baby must come first in your life. This means to do everything you can to be able to support him and live with him. You must talk to your family about this, unless they're all some sort of monsters. The boyfriend comes LAST. Toss it out there to him- "BTW, I want you to know I have a 9 mo old son who I visit. I only communicate with the father regarding the baby. At this time I would rather the father not meet you, because he's probably not going to act right." Period. If the bf leaves over this, oh well. Your baby (and the truth) comes wayy before him. The baby was only 4 mos old when you began your new relationship. Maybe you should concentrate on working hard right now in order to have your son more.

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As soon as my family finds out, they'll want nothing to do with me. I'll be kicked out, and yes, he was 3-4months when I first started dating my boyfriend. But that's not important. What's really bugging me is everybody is telling me 'oh just tell him' but it really isn't that simple. Sure, maybe I'm selfish or something for not putting my son first, but really I have been trying to make my life better so I can support and raise him properly. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to risk losing him over something as dumb as me covering this up. My son is important to me, and I love him to the moon and back, but I don't need people to tell me what I'm doing wrong as a mother.
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Yes. Yes, you do. You should take all the advice here and more and apply it. Your son comes way before anyone. Before your boyfriend, your ex, and your family. You seem to be concentrating on keeping the bf more than working towards getting away (independant) from your family, working, getting your own place, and finally having your son. THIS is why people are trying to give you their opinions, Ellie. Number 1- son. Way down the list are the family and the boyfriend. If you lose him, you lose him. So what? And if your family wants nothing to do with you or your precious son, so what? Years from now, you'll be glad you put your baby first, because the others will have faded away. And yes, it IS pertinent that your baby was only 3-4 mos when you found yourself another bf. Not good thinking. More than romance, you need to get your act together.
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My act is together. I am financially unable to raise this child. So there isn't any point in messing everything else up and making everything harder than it already is.
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Um lady. If you cant tell your bf something that you will tell the internet you have a problem.

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Thanks, tips.
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Lol
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There is not a round about way but
To tell the truth.
Many years ago I had a girlfriend and
We had a baby, things did not work
Out. I found out about 15 years ago that the child, now a young lady found
Out. My x girlfriend was married and
She never told her, I would not have
Wanted to be in that room during
That conversation, she was devestated, and I think that the child
Had a right to know
I was adopted and was told as soon as I could understand, I am absolutely
Fine with who I am, and actually feel
Lucky

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You must tell your boy friend, if he has
A hard time with it then that is something both you and him have to
Deal with no matter how it may turn
Out. The truth will set you free
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The longer you wait to tell him the more he will feel betrayed

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Just try to be honest with him. It's better you tell him than he finds out himself.

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Ellie1100 We all have a past sweetie. Relationships are based on trust, honesty, and the belief that we have can faith in one another. By not telling your boyfriend you have created a situation that otherwise wouldn't exist. You need to have faith in your boyfriend that he will understand your reasoning behind not confiding in him from the start of the relationship. I don't know your situation but I can respect it. Like any good, caring mother you want to protect your child from outside influences, but if the relationship with your boyfriend has progressed to the point of you wanting him to be part of your childs' life then you can't wait any longer to address the situation. Tell him your fears and be completely open and honest. Hopefully he will understand your reasoning and your fears. Prepare yourself for some hurt and possibly anger from your boyfriend. I wish you nothing but the best.

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Thank you :)
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I could not have it better !
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@ hurrt4u Ahhh! What a sweet compliment. Thank you :)
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you must tell him.. I won't be shocked if he will be disappointed or worst he will break up with you.. you must have told him before dating him.. in that way you'll know if the guy is for real or not

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Tell the truth

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