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My mom has cancer, is it selfish to not want to be around her sometimes?

About 6 months ago My mom found out that she had 3rd stage cancer. They are saying its terminal now. I moved close to my mom so I could spend time with her. However, she doesn't know that I know she's sick. I found out through another person. It's so hard seeing her in such a bad condition. My mom doesn't want her kids to know because she doesn't want people to feel bad for her, she's always been like that... I want to be with her but its ssoooo hard to hide my emotions when I'm seeing her slip away. Is it selfish to not want to be by her sometimes?

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No, you're not being selfish. My own father died with cancer and, during the six months between his diagnosis and his death it was a very emotional time and I felt completely wrung out. There were times I just had to get away and be by myself.

I'd say you are the opposite of selfish. You've moved closer, you're trying to be with her even though it's difficult to give her the love you want when she refuses to tell you what's happening. That's going to create a lot more stress for you.

May I suggest that you tell her that you know how sick she is? Once you clear the air you'll remove a layer that's come between you and communication will become a lot easier. Do remember, too, that there are times she will need to be left alone with her own thoughts and I'll bet that makes HER feel selfish too.

I hope there's somebody like you around for me when it's my time to go.

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Thank you, that really helps and means a lot
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Hi P! Great advice !
She is very sweet.
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Hi Bub. Yeah, she seems nice.
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Very thoughtful answer.
Best to you Becca.
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Hi Happy
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Thanks!
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yes

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no. My dad died of cancer a few months ago. I didn't want to see him in such a bad condition so I didn't really visit that often. But visit her as much as you can. She needs it.

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Okay thanks and I'm so sorry about your loss
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it's ok. He's in heaven with his family now :)
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That's true :)
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just take my advice and hang out with her. :) I hope that she gets rid of the tumor. What kind of cancer does she have?
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Skin cancer, but it spread to far I guess. And I will, thanks
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oh I am so sorry!
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I don't know why you couldn't I bet she would probably understand

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Your question sounds very upset and confused a bit. I think you need to talk with someone sympathetic, also, but also your family needs to be honest about what's happening.

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Not at all. Please don't ever feel bad for "feeling"
But I do think you should let your mom know that you know she is sick. Spend quality time with her, not waisting your time hiding the fact that you know. I am sorry for what you are going through. I will keep you in my prayers.

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Thank you so much
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Your welcome. :-)
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no, human beings need space sometimes, you have a life that is not limited solely to your mother, and you have to continue on with it regardless of her condition. She will leave this earth when God calls her, until then, enjoy the time you have with her, and don't regret that you didn't spend more, such things are in the past. Also, don't hide your emotions, it really does cause bad things, it's far too late for me to stop doing it, but there is probably still time for you to stop bottling it all up. If you continue to bottle it up, you will eventually just get really depressed, best to let it all out now as opposed to later.

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You need to enjoy whatever time you can with her. You will miss her when she is gone.

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I don't think selfish is the correct term. You are scared, confused, frustrated, you feel sad and helpless. You should talk to someone, maybe it would be best if she is aware that you know. You don't want regrets. Emotion is normal, and it's fine. Acting like everything is ok when it's not isn't fair when you are hurting inside. You aren't selfish, just the opposite.

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Thanks, that really helps
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I hope so. Really, talk to someone.
You will be ok. Good luck.
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My thoughts also, Bub.
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You need to do what ever it is you need to do. If you don't want to spend time ... Precious time she has left .. Then don't. Just remember regret will haunt you for the rest of your life.

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Case in point ... I had a complicated relationship with my own mother..although we got along fine .. It wasn't the closest mother -daughter relationship.. One of the things I realized much later in life that was missing in my relationship with my mom was verbal affirmation .. The words .. "I love you" . My mother never actually said the words... So I grew up in an atmosphere where there was just never verbalized .. Even though it was a loving environment.

My mother died of cancer too .. I watched her slowly lose her grip and finally succumbed, while I sat vigilantly at her bedside. The night she died, I remember clearly .. As if it sew yesterday .. Not because I was sad to lose her .. But because that night, as she lay in her hospital bed, I whispered to her ... " I love you, mom" ... Of which she replied "I love you too"

All these years later .. It's been over 20 hrs .. That was the moment that I still, to this day cherish ... That critical moment of actually saying those very special words.

My advise to you .. Is make this time with your mom count. Don't leave room for regret. Tell her what she means to you, and find comfort in knowing that you actually said the words.
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How would you feel if tables were turned and she said that?

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I would understand her feeling that way in this difficult situation
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