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Found out the bf cheated at the beginning of our relationship. What should I do?

I have been with the bf since Jan 2012. I love him & we have worked through many problems. I just found out that months into our relationship he was cheating & was having sleep overs with other women. I found emails, pictures, texts, etc. He says it was nothing and that those relationships were meaningless. He says he is not cheating now. What should I do?

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I agree with mckenzie, I wouldn't be able to trust someone after that. It's your decision though. Perhaps you two could take a little break, so that you can decide without him in your ear, telling you that everything is fine.

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I would sit down and have a very long talk. Honestly I can't see how you can trust him after that...

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I take it you are a charlieissocoollike fan?
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Haha I've watched a couple videos. Did he say that at some point?
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Nope, I've just seen a lot of of his videos, and recognized the name haha
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Either give him another chance and hope for a better outcome, or leave and find someone more faithful...

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Try to trust him. If you catch him cheating on you again, he is probably not the guy for you,sorry,

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I worry he has been cheating this whole time and me, without a clue. The one girl I found out about ...they seemed to be invloved for a couple of months. I see him almsot every day...practially live together.... so its shocking.
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OK, I'll give a guys perspective here. I go to the oil change place. If they screw up the oil change do I go there again? I go to the restaurant with my wife. The food stinks. Do I go there again? OK, Here's where it gets tricky:

If I have an affair, and don't come clean, is my wife EVER going to be able to trust me? Note: I didn't say She caught me with the evidence...... Did I come clean? If not, what do you think?
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Yes she will trust you because she doesnt know otherwise. Therefore, knowing what I know I guess i should walk away? ...Is that what youre getting at? lol
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Did HE come clean or did you 'catch' him? Do you really think he would have come clean if you didn't catch him? It sounds as if he was just coasting along until you 'had the nerve to look in his old phone'. The nerve of you!
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Of course i dont think he would ever come clean. And now im thinking theres many more I dont know about.

And in my defense, I has no suspision of finding anything on his phone. I know all his paswords and have never thought of checking. I checked the phone to upload all of our old pixs... which is when i found other pix. One i saw the pics, one thing led to another which is when I CAUGHT him
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The stupid ask filtering system is playing havoc (as usual) here is a question for you. read every other word. Was your the woman problem competition his ex kids mother?
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She was a first becuase she would focus on our relarionship even thgough they broke up way before he and i came together. He always gave me his place whenit came to her but i would stress about her taking it out onhim by not letting him see his daughter or by talking badly about me to her family...blaming me for them not being together.
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How old are you two?

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I am 27, he is 28.
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He is too old to still be cheating if y'all were in a relationship.
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Hmmm.. Honestly, I was thinking you were going to say 16. This sounds like such a juvenile act....... I think he learned a VERY valuable lesson. that he can do whatever he wants, and you are the dumb witch that just says: OK it'll be better next time. Honestly.... has it been better? Or are there still problems?
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Tadc, me thoughts exactly.

Tractortug. We have never had a problem involving cheating so its hard to say. Most of our problems revolve around making ongoing adjustemnts to the fact that he is a dad and he has a negative relationship with his daughter's mother and family.
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That's indicator number two. He can't figure out how to: "Go along to get along" with the mother of his daughter" Then he cheats on you. Any more of the story you care to share?
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No. I've tried to be understanding of thier relationship but most of our problems/ stress comes from her not letting him see his daughter, talking badly about me to her family, and sabotaging our plans.
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I hate to ask. Is the mother who he cheated on?
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No.
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I wonder if he cheating with her too though.
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dump

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once a cheater always a cheater?
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XD tell me about
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Cheaters always say it meant nothing , if that's true then why do it ? I would kick him to the curb !!!!

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big time dump... if he really truly cares and loves you he will fight for your trust again.

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He is trying to prove that our relationship matters. I have a hard time believing anything he says or does now.
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good make him work for it. if he really cared he'd have been loyal. if you're not convinced then he's not very convincing so just leave the idiot. somehow maybe he wanted to get caught because he seems like a player. I don't think you need someone like that. you deserve better. :)
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I'm not going to lie...i was skepitacal about getting involved with him at first becuase i knew he was a player when he was younger. I also dated casually so I didnt hold his past againt him. When we came together it was him who initiated the convo of us being monogamous and it was him who was always eager to introduce me to his family and friends so I thought those days were over.
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apparently not. I was engaged to a man who had a past. he was so kind and so generous and always giving and I dismissed his past. until once I said that maybe we should spice things up personally and he became an animal. and he began disrespecting me and always talking about sex... it seemed as though he totally forgot who I was and treated me like a piece of meat. :/ look get out while you can sweety. you really truly deserve better than that. I gotta tell you that many American men find it their duty to be in as many girls' pants as they can. (excuse my language) but yeah.. it may hurt now but in the long run you will be happier. to end my story on a happy note I'm now in love with a man who loves me for me not for sex. Good luck in everything :) God bless
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trust me, girl.. I have been engaged to a man with a past and it didn't work out very well. I think that the safest thing to do is to remove yourself from him completely. for all we know you may just be another girl he's shacked up with. and you deserve so much better sweety. :)
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Thank you. I get what every one is saying and im just surprised and upset with myself that i have let him get to me so much. I wake up crying sometimes. That is not me...I've always been really direct and strong in relationships and i let my guard down in this one and this happens... you would think i would be furious and walk away but for some reason i havent been able to shut the door on him completely.
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I feel you. that's because you actually care. you aren't selfish as he is. you still believe in the goodness in ppl and that's why you deserve better. stay strong you will get through this. :) all the best.
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move on to the next

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I really don't know what to tell you here. I am only responding to this because I am amazed that in this day and age with all the private "surveillance" equipment that is readily cheap and available (Don't get me started on the PUBLIC surveillance!) how can one even ATTEMPT to think that they will get away with cheating? And if computers and hand held devices are so "private" how in the hell did you find his emails, texts, pictures, etc.??

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I dont think it relavent how i found out but Ill share. We were packing up old junk and cleaning his apartment when I found his old phone.
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Well, in a way, you're right. It is NOT really relevant. I was just asking mainly out of curiosity. Like I said, I don't know what to tell you. The majority opinion from all the others that responded say: "Dump him". Stories like this make me glad I'm still single. If the guy has tears in his eyes while he says sorry. He MAY actually be legitimately contrite and a second chance could help. My advice? Since I don't really know YOU or HIM I say, flip a coin. Heads=dump tails=second chance.
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lol. I just have a feeling it may be beyond repair. He does show up crying to me and my friends...but now i think he has done this before and knws exactly what to do or say to get a girl back. Thank you though.
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My bf cheated for the first time after we were together for 2 years and I gave him another chance and let me tell ya hun, it's not easy. I don't trust him to even go to the grocery store anymore. A relationship is hard when the trust is gone but I'm in the same boat, I love him. As long as your man is ok with you going through his phone and emails when you want and realizes he has lost privelages to privacy for a while you can work it out. Good luck!

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I dont have that in me though...to havee to live with that daily worry.
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Then it might be time to get rid of him. It's really hard to get over broken trust. Me and my bf were really close and he went out of town and slept with a girl. Even though it was a one night stand it drives me crazy that he had it in him to do something that bad to me. Just follow your heart and do what you think is right.
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I want to make it worl but this was not a one night stand and no i think there have been others. Ive been the type of gf that likes my space and also gives hims space bc i respec he has a life outside of me but now idk if i will be able to.

Do you still doubt him from time to time? And how is he able to provee to you that this isnt still happening?
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I don't doubt him but I know everywhere he goes, who he is with, the cell is in my name and I see who he calls and texts and I talked to the girl he cheated with. Even though it was a one nighter they kept contact over the phone. That's how he got caught. She was in love with him and stalked us for months. It's been a nightmare but our love has been strong enough to pull us through and he loves me enough to put up with me going through his stuff. I even have a GPS tracker on his phone. Sad but true. It's the only way I can earn his trust back. He knows he messed up and is working to fix it. If your man loves u he will do the same.
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He says he will do anything but I also think if he really wants to cheat, he will find a way. Ive been fighting thr urge of contacting the other woman but I just cant do it ...bc it wont change the outccome....but im dying to hear her side of it. I know it will be torturous though.

His daughter's mom harassing us and calls us nonstop and balmes me for everything. The last thing i want is to make someone else feel like the problem. But i must admit, I am curious.
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I had the same curiosity. It's weird but I wanted to know EVERYTHING. Like details.. If they used protection, if he told her he loved her, all that stuff. Then I told her we were going to work it out and to please not contact him and to call me if he contacted her. It made me feel better to know. But she couldn't deal with them being over so she became a stalker so I got numbers changed and now she is out of our life. I think things are finally starting to get better now that she can't call anymore.
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All those questiosn are flooding my mind. If he did the same thigns with her, did he meet her fam, friends, etc. We have dealt with that drama of his ex harassing us and i had to change my muber as well so im cautious about contacting this person. Ive learned ppl arent always as rational as we think they are. I'm glad to hear you guys are able to move forward.
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I hope everything works out for you. Some guys are worth a second chance and some aren't.
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thank you..and thank u for sharing your experience.
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i would slap him haha

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lol it was hard not to
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You dump him

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so he says his not cheating now hhmm... dump him or stay but you know he is not the one for you...

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I thought he was... we always talk about starting a life together. But now that i know this, i dont know how to feel or what to think
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it will never work out because you will never trust him again he had his chance and he blew it respect yourself enough to walk away... sorry but its for the best
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thank you
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Hi, Roxy. I am SO very sorry you're having to go through this, honey, and had to find this out. But I'm glad you found it out now rather than later. I could take a lot of things in a relationship, but cheating's just not one of them. I would never think of doing it to him or I wouldn't be with him and I would expect the same of him. But sleepovers with women? All he did was humiliate and disrespect you. And I had a male friend one time tell me something I'll never forget. He said that when a guy cheats, he always usually brags and laughs behind his girlfriend's back about it, and most of the time it's to the girl he's with. And I have one more point. If he loves you so much & this means nothing to him anymore, why does he still have the emails, pictures, and texts of the women? If you don't have trust in a relationship, you have nothing. Sweetheart, this man doesn't deserve you. He should have sown his wild oats years ago. Walk away from him with your head held up high respecting yourself. Show him what respect looks like and tell him he can have all the sleepovers he wants, but he's not doing it on your precious time. You're going to wait for your prince to come. He's just a frog.

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Thank you. I do think about it that...my things are all over his apartment so Im sure you are right and the other women know too :(

I find it hard because we now have so many friends in common even baptized his neice.
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australis
Yes!!! Listen to her Roxy.I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.And it's true that they brag about it to their friends(which is The norm)but it's so humiliating when they talk about you with the one they are cheating.Trust me I speak from experience Roxy.DUMP HIM
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Now i wouldnt put it past him however in the messages i saw, it doesnt look like she knew he had a gf. She even seeemd upset a few times for making plans late at night or making her feel like she was just S** to him.
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Roxy, I'm sorry, sweetheart. But my ex cheated on me and you talking about the memories we had. I just wanted to die. I just adored him. But trying to be gentle here, the thoughts of him putting his thing in someone else and then coming home to me and doing the same thing - well, I couldn't handle that. It was just too much. He used to smack me around and I could handle that better than him being with and touching someone else. In time, you'll look at the memories a little bit differently. But also in time, the man you truly deserve is going to come along and you're going to make new memories with him, honey. This guy, no matter what good you've had together, in my mind anyway, does not outweigh the bad that he's done. There's no way on the face of this earth you deserved that. If it happened to your best friend, or if you had a little daughter, what would you tell them? I bet you wouldn't have to think about it too hard. Please do for yourself what you'd want them to do. You wouldn't want some man treating them like this. I just couldn't believe it when I realized he was keeping all this stuff. That in itself proves he's not really given it up and not putting you first. Sweetheart, I've got tears in my eyes just hoping you'll do the right thing and walk away from this playboy who will always be a playboy. You deserve so much better.
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australis
Don't hold back your life because before you realize it you will have wasted a few years on him already and then what?I've been there Roxy and it hurts more much later.Two years now and I still can't retrieve the confidence I once had.Get out while it's still early.
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Well, Sandra, this time I'll say it. I'm sorry, precious. I didn't know. You of all people didn't deserve that. Huuuuuuuuuugs
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australis
Yes Susan.I had it ALL.I still wake up in a cold sweat sometimes.That's I want Roxy to take care of herself NOW.No one deserves to be treated with such disrespect and she shouldn't throw her life away for a worthless piece of $#@!
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I agree. That's why if I was with her right now, I guess I'd get down on my knees and beg her to walk away. I had a feeling things were going on and then I planted a booby trap one day and left for a little while and came back and that's how I found out. I screamed into pillows for weeks. I had to part ways with him, though. No way could I take THAT.
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Tahnk you ladies. I already feel ive wated so much time. I found out abou this 2 months ago and ive been trying to let go but its much harder than i imagined. I've always been the strong independent one and its a huge blow to my heart and ego that i'm still heartbroeken over him.
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Do you ladies have to see your ex at all? as I mentioned earlier, we are his neice's godparents and supposed to come out in a wedding at the end of the year.
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Roxy, you can't do anything about the time that has passed and has been wasted, but you can do a heck of a lot about the present time coming up and it can be happy, independent, carefree, and you can know deep down in your heart that you have done the best for you. Yes, I totally, totally understand the heartbreak you feel and so does Australis, but you can hold you head up high knowing that you took care of yourself and are going to take the best care of yourself you can and not let some man make a fool out of you. Besides, he didn't love you as much as you loved him. I'm telling you, honey, some day, some time, there will be a man that will come and love the living daylights out of you and then you'll know what it's really like to be loved for just being you and that's the best feeling of all.
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No, fortunately, I don't see mine. And I'm so thankful because there at the end, he was put in jail twice for assault. I didn't press charges, but the D.A. did. But, sweetheart, that's just one of those things you're probably going to have to give up unless you've got someone to be with you. I mean usually when you're someone's god "parents", you're married. So if you go, I'd make sure I took someone with me. But a lot can happen by the end of the year for you, Roxy, darlin'.
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australis
I unfortunately see him sometimes Roxy.We christened a little girl together and although I'm the one who takes my role as a godmother seriously he just shows up to spite me... on birthdays and other important occasions because he never expected me to end the relationship and never look back.
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How were you able to move forward?

We have mutual friends and we integrated into each other's family very well. I know i have to let go of his family if we part but i think about our goddaughter a lot. We both take our responsibility very seriously and spend a lot of time with her. I truly care about her but dont want it to make things worse if I continue to stay in her life.
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australis
I had to cut all ties with his family and it was for the best because at the beginning when I used to see them it just made things harder.All they kept talking about was the heartache their son was going through.They didn't want to listen to what I had to say and the pain I had in my heart.They excuse him for everything.Isn't that always the case Roxy?In the end "his"people are not going to sit on the fence but will take his side.
As for your Godchild there is no need to leave her life.You can both still continue to be great and responsible godparents just don't visit together,
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Whenever he knows im goign to see her, he makes it a point to show up and try to tag along.

How did u fianlly start mmoving on. Its been 2 months and i still feel stuck. It is very stressful and frustrating.
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australis
It wasn't easy Roxy and I went through months existing in a kind of c-real state.I cried for no reason for a year and when that zapping feeling in my gut stopped every time I thought of him then I knew I was starting to get over him.Not completely but I was getting there.The next step was for me to stop thinking of only the good times and to start realizing that there were many bad times as well.I started taking care of myself and going out with my friends.I had forgotten that I had a lot to give and that people saw great things in me.And here I am today.I can't lie and tell you it will be easy but I can promise you that you will get over it and I believe much sooner than I did.
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DUMP HIM NOW. If he could cheat on you then, he can cheat on you again. Obviously he did not feel the need to be honest and faithful to you, why would you believe that he will in the future? Don't stay in a relationship that is uncertain. Find someone else that doesn't cheat on you, especially from the get go. You will find love with someone else. Save yourself the heartache.

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Sorry to know about this, but I also hate to say it'll be best if you just drop everything with him and break it off. I mean he's already cheated on you within a couple months of going into a relationship he'll just once again go back to cheating. You can find somebody that's better and won't do you this way that he's done you. Come on honey you're smarter than that and I'm so positivity sure that you can find another man that'll treat you right one hundred percent better. There's all different types of men out there all it takes is just small conversations, communication, and dating then maybe later on marriage if want it to be.

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I hear what youre saying. I would have never imagined myself ever contemplating giving a cheater a second chance. Its humilitaitng and that might be a part of why i dont want to let go...all that luv, energy, and work we put towards our relationship for nothing.
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Sorry, but it's for the best. It wouldn't be right or nice of him to lie to you saying sweet words winning your heart back then tear it to pieces cheating once again. He's not got to fine point that he's got you who loves him and I'm sure very much cares for him. Move on don't fall for his nice talking in words that's really just possibly pointless all leading to nothing, but lies. Find somebody else that'll treat you right and better than what he did.
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Once a cheater, always a cheater.

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have you been cheated on ...or the one doing the cheating? or neither? lol
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DrClaw

Sit down with him and have a very long conversation over this. Lay it all out on the table and let him know exactly how you feel and how this affects you. Honestly I have no idea how you could trust him at all. Usually once a cheater always a cheater. I would dump his butt. That's just me.

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I have had that convo ...he hears me out and promises the world but it almost seems like a moot point. That is why I came on here to see of anyone has given a cheater a second chance and had a postive outcome
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Say byee byeee

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Get over him, he doesn't deserve u honey...he is such a jerk...he only thinks about himself...if He cheated on u I am damn sure somebody else will cheat on him...move on life is full of surprises u never know what the future has in store for u

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I completely agree. Anyone who cheats on you isn't worth you. That's my philosophy. If someone had the guts to betray my trust, they would be dumped within moments. And, since I'm cruel and cold hearted, I would somehow get my revenge on them later. I don't recommend revenge, but you are worth so much more than he is. Drop that loser and leave him in the dust. If you're like me, you'll stomp on him too.

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Sit down and TALK TALK TALK figure out how much you both mean to each other if either of you aren't 100% happy break it off its not worth the effort but if you both want to make things work and truly love and care for ach other then you need to work on your relationship together as a couple. It is possible to rebuild trust and it is possible to forgive and move forward it is A LOT of work so be sure it is worth it for both of you

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Enjoy the sex without attachments.

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