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I'm dating a guy who has kids and is in the process of divorce. the mom says I'm not allowed to see the kids. legally can I do anything?

currently the kids love me but she says that some day they will thank her for protecting them from me and that they will hate me for "taking their dad away." I know that I can't just go over to the house but I'm looking for ways to talk to her to help her be more comfortable with the idea of me being around her kids and some laws about it so she can't keep playing like she has all of the control, their dad has some control too, right? I'm trying to be respectful and as kind as I can while dealing with her.

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If they have shared custody .. that is something they will have to work out between themselves. She may refuse to give permission to allow you near them .. but you don't need her permission .. you only need his ....You are breaking no laws. You can not be criminally charged by HER if you have HIS permission to just be in their company...unless she is able to get a restraining order against you.

It's ridiculous to use children as pawns .. My guess is, she resents you and is trying to exercise HER power over you by trying to control those you presence in their innocent lives. It's really kind of sad that it has come to this...but not uncommon. This is a power struggle .. and you're stuck smack dab in the middle of it .. with those kids being pulled from both sides.

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It it were me in this position .. I would be treating this with utmost respect and empathy .. even if she were the ultimate bitch. Although these are his kids as much as hers .. There are some very sensitive issues that aren't being dealt with, and these kids are suffering the brunt end of it.

You and he need to work this out .. and in the meantime try to not slap her in the face while doing it, not just out respect but empathy. A nasty divorce and a child custody battle IS a battle ground. Your involvement is complicating so much ... even if it is unitentional.

Perhaps it might help to smooth things down a little and offer her a peace offering by backing off a little bit..especially where the children are concerned. THIS momma bear is fighting mad...and by rattling her cage you are not going to make headway with her. Back off, even if it's temporary .. and give her an opportunity to see that you are not all bad. That you are a good person, who happens to care about him and these children. There are sacrifices to be made to show good intentions and attempt to make peace .. even if it's only temporary.
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The parent who will be granted custody over the children after the divorce will automatically be the one who will have the most authority and rights over them. You really have no rights at the moment because you are not considered by the law as a party to the divorce case, and until the divorce is final, there is not much you can do about it.

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the mom is mad that's all she can't stop you from seeing the kids

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She's girlfriend. She doesn't need to see the kids. That is their mother.
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Alpha is right. this woman posting has no legal rights at all.
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the mother has no legal right either to stop her from seeing the kids when the father has them.
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not true oblad... depending on who has main custody now...the Mom can stop the kids from visiting their father if his girlfriend is there. have you ever read any law on this? cause sounds like you have not even read articles about child custody and the law.
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so you say if my ex wife has a boyfriend I can keep my kids from going to her house, visitation rights or not. just because I don't like him
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oblad...yes and no. if oyu can convince a judge handling the custody that the new boyfriend is a danger to the kids, or has a criminal background or anything that you think means he could harm your kids in anyway, shape or form...odds may be good the court says he can't be around the kids. it depends on what info you have against the boyfriend. in this case... we don't know if the Mom just hates the new girlfriend or if the kids came home and said something that concerns her about the girlfriend. but yes... a parent in the middle of a custody battle can go to court and make it so a new boyfriend or girlfriend has no rights to be around the kids. in some rare cases, they might even grant a restraining order so that if the new boyfriend is around the kids when they were ordered to stay away...the boyfriend can go to jail, the ex wife can be charged with child endangerment for allowing the guy to be around against court order...and poof...custody would go to Dad at that point as the Mom did not keep to the court order.
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ps...if they think you are asking for a court order to keep the guy away just because you don't like him...they can and will hold it against you in proceedings. there has to be a legit reason you fear the guy being around the kids.
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weird, but I guess.
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learn something new every day . today it has been two things so far . thanks for all the info without being condescending
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wait on that til you read my other reply. it was not meant to condescend but after i clicked send...sort of looked it. i just get fired up when i am passionate about something. and protecting kids...i get riled! seen too many harmed by selfish parents!
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So you're going to sue her to see her kids? That's not respectful or kind. Best thing, for children, would be to respect lady's wishes. They are her children. She has right to say who sees them, just as married parents do.

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I never said anything about sueing her.
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You are not the kids Mom, or step Mom. Legally, you have no say. You are no more than a stranger in the eyes of the law. If you were married to this man, you would still get no rights in this matter, but at least the Mom would then have to prove you were a danger to restrict them visiting a house you shared with her ex. Point blank, what he and she do about these kids is not one bit of your business. If you step back and stay out you will earn more respect from this woman over time than you ever will by trying to get in the middle of their divorce. Do you get it? Their divorce, their custody arrangements. I have dated people going through divorce and I refused to even meet their kids because the kids DON'T DESERVE TO GET DRAGGED IN TO THIS. And that is exactly what you are doing if you are trying to spend time with another woman's children when you are not married to their dad. Stay out. If you keep getting involved she will drag you in to court and you could ruin custody proceedings. Get out of their break up. Stay away from the kids. Let them sort their past history and just support your man and leave it at that for now.

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this just seems wrong that she has to stay away from the kids because in order to perhaps get married to this guy she has to establish a good relationship with his kids. just to find out if its all worth pursuing. and if she stays away from them they will automatically reject her right off the bat.
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yea I read your other stuff to me got it thanks
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It may seem wrong...but honestly...I think it is wrong for people to get involved with anyones kids while parents are going through a divorce. How selfish to get to know the kids of someone you are only dating and possibly set them up to get close to you and then possibly lose you in a break up after feeling the lose of their family. It is selfish and rude for a parent to drag a new boyfriend or girlfriend in to the family dynamics when they are up in the air during a divorce. My nephew still makes awful comments about all his 'uncles'...the men his mother dragged in and out all the time. How horrible selfish of parents to put their kids in the middle of a battle about outsiders. Seriously...no clue how rude I find it that parents in a divorce won't protect their kids until the dust settles. Dragging new people in to the mix is a recipe for disaster, heart ache and confusion for the kids. Good parents protect their kids from that and don't drag others in to the mix.
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seriously...kids first...Mom and dad can keep private stuff private. and if not..they are totally to blame for their kids heart aches. how dare any parent do that to their kid...divorce or not.
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Hi SunshineShelly!! Great answer!
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I very much understand your point. and it is a good point. the only thing I have to say is that I knew the kids way before anything happened between me and their dad. and their mom was fine with it before I was seeing him. it's not that I want them in the middle and I don't want anyone hurt... I just don't want to totally loose contact with them now. maybe waiting a while is the best option, I'm not opposed to it. I'm just looking for outside opinions from people with experience. not looking to get yelled at or judged, I get enough of that already.
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macncheese...i know it might have seemed like yelling because of the all caps. but that was just to make sure the most important part stood out. i think it sucks she is doing this, especially now that I know you knew the kids long before this. But the best bet really is to stay back some. She will feel better if she thinks she still has some control and less threatened too. i hope it works out well.
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Unfortunately what is happening here is stemming from probable jealousy and maybe some hurt feelings. The divorce isn't final yet and he has already moved on with you. Chances are good that she is saying horrible things about you to the kids and that is sad and wrong. You have no legal rights here...but HE does. Providing there is no just cause for you to not be around the children, his attorney can file a motion with the court. He needs to talk with an attorney and a guardian ad liteum should also be involved for the children.

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Unless there is a restraining order that legally states you must stay away from the children, you and the children's father should be allowed contact. While it may be awkward talking to the ex-wife, it appears you are willing to try. Let her know you care about her children, want to interact with them, but are not trying to replace you as their mother. Good luck!

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I'm sorry to say, but you're not their mother just an acquaintance that's about all really. It's up to their father if he wants you to see them or not. And if he were to let them it would also be up to them, the kids if they wanted to see you or not. You can't just try and enforce or make this come into consideration to happen. I apologize if you are the mother though and I misunderstood, but with what you explained it seems you were just a step mother to them before he left you. If they are your real children then you should take their father to court and try for custody of the children.

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A complicated situation that depends on your state's laws.

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