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This question is for parents and step-parents I also like kids opinions read on please I really need help with this one...

My 8 year old does not know that his dad is really his stepdad. My husband has been raising him since he was 3. Should we tell him? And how do I tell him? Is he old enough to know?

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I told my son that his "dad" was his step-dad when he noticed that he didn't have the same last name. I explain that his father and I didn't get along and couldn't live together. That his "dad" "stepped" in to take his father's place and that was what "step-dad" meant. My son understood that meaning fine. Practice saying that you are going to say until you can be relaxed when you say it. If you tense up, you will put more nervousness into it that there should be.

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Thank you for giving me the courage
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Yes but I'd wait till he's a little older and more mature. Maybe while he's in high school.

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I think wait 2 years more so he can realize sth and understand that he is too small now to understand

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if the step dad took on that role nd raised him and that's all he know that's his dad in my thoughts <<

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My husband has been raising my daughter since she was three. She remembered her other "dad" so I never lied to her. I told her her other dad wasn't good enough to be her dad. May not be what you want to say but yes, you have to tell him. Better now bf he reaches the teen years when they get depressed very easily.

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He never met him and he doesn't remember just being with me but he's starting to wonder why daddy isn't in his baby pics
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That's good he doesn't remember. The less he would want to see him. I would tell him now, the sooner the better. The longer you wait the more it will feel like betrayal vs protection
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Wait until he's older. And I don't think it would make a difference to him because his REAL father is the one who raised him.

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I think the first concern is how to approach it. As far as your son is concerned, your husband IS his father, correct? So keep in mind this isn't a "downgrading" of his father, if you know what I mean by that... It's not *negative* information, or scary information, it just is. So as long as you approach it with a not-scared attitude, he'll think along the same lines. Just explain that you used to be with someone else, your son came along but then that man had to go away (for whatever the reasons are) and your current husband joined the family.

Here is also a great thread about a very similar question:
http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/44242-step-parent-adopting-5yo-what-to-tell-the-child/

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Thanks i don't even consider the other man as anything but a donor i left him when i was 3 months along hes never even met my son the last time i spoke to him my little guy was 3 months old my hubby is his father in every sense im just scared the other guy will show up one day he threatened he would
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Welcome :) Id' just explain that the other man went away before he was born. You honestly don't even have to call him a father... though obviously your son will fit the pieces together as he gets older.

Legally, you can file for full custody and full parental rights. Him being absent, if you made reasonable attempts to contact him the it's considered abandonment and his parental rights are terminated. That way you wouldn't have to worry, plus your husband would be able to adopt your son if he wanted to.
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Someone told me that for him to adopt my son we would have to take out an add looking for him but he not even on the birth cert
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You're not required to take out an ad, but you have to try to get a hold of him some way. Not being on the birth certificate could help you get the letter of abandonment. A lawyer would be best to help you out but it's not too hard, it just takes time.
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Thank you this helps me alot i ask cause i dont want someone spiteful to tell him. My husband wants to give him his last name and we want to do it when we renew his passport. Or would changing his last name be traumatic?
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I don't think it'd be traumatic, but you know your boy better than I do. It'd be a bit of an adjustment, like moving to a new address, but not necessarily negative. Talk to him and see what he thinks of it.
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duh

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i'd say u tell him right now, because you know on tv, the kids throw a whole fit once you tell them when they're older, and they're all like "WHY DIDN'T U TELL ME THIS BEFORE?!" so yeah, tell him right now, lol

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Do i have to explain or just straight out say it? I was thinking along the lines of " he didn't put you in my tummy but mommy prayed really hard and God sent your daddy to us"
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well, it would be easier to say it first, then explain it to him. when he gets older, then he'll understand even better. :)
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I think the longer u wait the worse it will be its better if u tell him when there's nothing going on and wait until he is in a good mood otherwise yur dealing with his hormones going all over the place and then it's just a not so great day

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I just want to do it in a way that won't be painful how would you do it or want to have it done?
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