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My 13yr old step daughter hates me...

how do I not take this personally? She acts nice and happy around me, and I just went through her phone (which we both do- one if the rules about being allowed a phone) and I saw so many texts sent from her saying how much of a jerk I am and how mean I am. This really upsets me, especially because she acts so sweet to my face. Should I confront her on this? Are my feelings of upset and hurt irrational? help please :(

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Don't confront her-
She a kid- kids say mean things and don't really mean it-
Maybe in a few days when you and her are alone-
Ask her how she feels about you -
You are the step mom -
That's hard for a kid-
I hated my step dad
Because he wasn't my dad-
Later , I learned to respect and enjoy
Him-
So will your step daughter-

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I appreciate the help and honesty. I like my stepmom a lot- more than my bio mom, but my parents also divorced when I was older and I know that makes a difference. I'm worried and hurt because she seems so happy and like she likes me to my face. I have to try and just let it go though, thank you for your perspective, it helps a lot
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Excellent answer!!
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A step parent is the absolute
Hardest parent-
Nothing you do is ever good enough
But when this child gets older and understands a bit more about life-
You will have a daughter-
Not a step daughter-
And she will respect you and all that you have done- as long as you so right of course?
Don't show favorites between your own kids and her
Or make her feel like a step child
When your kids are around -
Or if they live with you -
> not sure of the surcomstances->
Good luck - you know my name if I can help in any way -
Chime in as a comment to an answer
I have answered-
"Live long and prosper "
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Thank you trucker lady -
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Nice one, Sheldon.
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Thank u
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she is just upset becausee she doesnt have her real mom there (no offense) but she will eventually get over it

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Nice answer :D
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i know right :D
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c:
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She sees her real mom every other weekend. She's been back and forth on wanting to move in with her and I have been nothing but supportive and letting her know that if that's what she wants there will be no hard feelings and we'll miss her but we understand its her mother, etc.
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thats good : ) but she is just frustrated but its totally up to u if u want her to stay or go with her real mom : p
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Unfortunately, it's not up to me. She's old enough to choose. I thought she and I had a good relationship and that she was happy and this just hurts. Thanks so much for your replies though, I do need other perspectives besides my own :)
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oh i c but ur a good parent to let her make her own choice my cousin had lived with his terrible mom before he move in with his dad and my aunt but his real mom the terrible 1 beat him with 2x4 piece of wood : ( so he was hapy to move to his dads and my aunts because he never got to c his dad
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She probably doesn't like you because you aren't her real mom just ask her why she hates you and she doesn't tell you why then just accept it.

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Well it's always hard having a stepmom I'm sure, maybe you need to see things from her perspective. She isn't saying your being a jerk without a reason, you must be doing something to upset her. And maybe going through her phone isn't the best idea

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That was part of her agreement for getting the phone. She knew it full well going into it. And I'm nicer to her than I am my own daughter most of the time, considering she's better behaved.
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Kids say a lot of things for no reason
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Okay, well then she probably knew you were going to see it
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No be the adult and keep it to yourself. Don't you know how much turmoil this child is in right now? She is just doing her best to adjust to her blended life. It is hard on kids. Do not take it personally. Just keep loving her through this hard time in this very fragile time in her life.

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Thank you. That's my main concern really, is if she truly thinks I'm so horrible then I want to know why and how I can change it. I don't feel I'm being a douche but imaging most don't feel they are haha thank you though
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Great answer friend!!
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Thank you @TL. :0)
Have you been through Cali lately?
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@Sarah, just hang in there. She is at a tough age for anyone going through let alone her blended family feelings. She may even feel guilty because she DOES like you but feels like she is betraying her mom by liking you. I feel so bad for her but you sound like an understanding woman. Please just keep loving her through this. :0)
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Awesome answer Reina! Star for you!! ;0) <3
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Thank you Kay. :0)
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It completely depends on the circumstance. I was totally fake happy around my stepmom because I knew if I wasn't there would be heck to pay. Take a really good look at how you're treating her and how you coming into her life makes her feel or is affecting her.

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She's moody quite often, and I've tried to make it clear that if she needs to talk, I'm here. She used to not that long ago, but now she's not anymore. I don't know if it's just because of her age or if her bio mom is influencing her, I think I'm doing alright, and I am honestly stunned to find out she hates me.
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love her like your real children in few days or week when she will mature she will love you like her real father

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Honestly, I wouldn't say anything to her. She'll come around. And trust me, if she TRULY hated you, she wouldn't sugar coat it and act nice around you. Try to spoil her a bit (yes I know that sounds bad, but you'll earn her respect, and then when you become stern or ask something of her, she's more likely to be okay with it.) I'm not saying go buy her everything she wants.. Just be sweeter for a while, once you feel like she is okay with you, slowly be the person you truly are. As long as you're not actually a bad person, she will come around. Trust me. I was in her shoes a few times. It'll only make it worse if you confront her. I know a lot of people won't agree with this response.. But I figure you might want a teenagers point of view. Just give her time.

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if you are a teen, why are you having unprotected sex and trying to get pregnant? don't you know life is hard enough without bringing children into it at a young age?!?
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Nightowl. I'm 18 years old. That's technically an adult, and technically a teen. Get your facts straight. What I do with my life isn't your business. If I want to have a child, I don't think you really have a right to judge me.
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Thank you teslacandie, I appreciate the perspective a lot. And don't listen to that other person. Once you're 18 it is your choice entirely.
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Thank you Sara. I hope things go well with your step daughter. Just don't try too hard, I'm sure she will come around.
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Kids hate their real parents sometimes too, don't you remember? Just put your ego aside, and roll with it. As long as she is nice and respectful, that's all you can expect. Can't force her to feel a certain way, you know.

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First of all remember
This ; SHE IS 13!!!! It can be a great deal like living with a schizophrenic ! I have 5 kids (youngest now 18). You know how so many kid will say their parent(s) is crazy? THERE IS A PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE reason for that!!!

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Haha thank you, my bio daughter is 6 and she's pretty crazy too, dealing with a teen is still a bit new sometimes and it's hard to remember what it was like when I was that age. I do appreciate the help tho, thank you :)
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I get it. My youngest is a senior and 18. I'm so close to be through with all that crazy stuff. I sometimes wonder if I can get through this.
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Try to keep in mind that to say out loud that she loves and respects you is like a betrayal to her "real" mother in the brain of a 13 year old. The evil step mom is a stereotype that is hard to overcome on a good day let alone when she is texting her snarky little friends when she is being denied something. Try to be the grown up. She knows you see what she writes and knows how to hurt your feelings. Cut her some slack and rise above it.

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Ok I am 13. She might actually dislike you, but only because she has thoughts about you, that you are trying to replace her mom and whatever. Also because she is texting it is possible that she is just trying to look cool because i know i do that like complain about my mom and whatever but i love her. anyway, DONT confront her. that will just make her mad. Just dont push too hard, let her have her space, and if you want, you can talk to her and ask her why she said these things

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Well, I'm sixteen, so I know she was probably just angry when she said those things. But if she really said them often there's probably some hostility pent up there, you should talk to her. Talk to her not like stepdaughter to stepmother, but person to person. A real two sided conversation. Also, she probably hates that you guys go through her phone even when she does nothing wrong. My parents do it too and it's kind of hurtful actually.

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