Submit a question to our community and get an answer from real people.
Submit

What to do when my husband still doesn't respect me or my feelings.

Been with my husband for 27 years. The last five years have been difficult. Have grown to realize my husband has never respected my place as a mother. I have never had a career but with the exception of a few yrs when kids were young, always worked a little to bring in some extra cash. Last four years have worked about 30 hours or more a week. Wont let me have access to online bank accounts & says that I dont contribute financially to the household and never have. I know I have but am tired of trying to prove to him I am worthy. Several other issues too. We have seen a marriage councilor for years but he wont budge. I can't get past this. How can I spend the rest of my life with a man who doesnt respect me or consider me his equal regardless of my "financial contribution"? My feelings dont matter to him. I love him very much & I know he loves me too, just not sure he loves me enough.
Am I a fool to stay?

Report as
Eliot07

OK....First I'll say that despite my name on Ask.com, I am a female, 47 years old, married 25 years, stayed home raised the kids, cleaned houses, babysat whatever I had to do to help. So, I can sympathize with your situation. Now, let me say, my husband, although he takes me for granted, has never made any comments about me not contributing. He liked it that i was home with the kids. That being said, he HAS taken me for granted. It sounds like, even though he is being totally unreasonable, you do love your husband and you say you feel loved by him. After 27 years, and a lot of counseling, it looks as though he isn't going to change by those methods. You must decide if you can take these shortcomings on his part, and just let it go. If I were you I would go and get a full time job now and have my own bank account. I am actually working two jobs now and the money goes into the family "pot", but I do have my own money. Look to the Lord. Ask Him for help. You cannot change the man, but God can. Let us know.

Helpful (3) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (2)
Report as
Thank you
Yes I have I am currently working 2 jobs as well averaging 35 hours a week. Still not quite full time. Very lucky because it allows me to still be available to get kids after school and to their activites before heading back to work again. So Im not ready to be able to look elsewhere just yet. Most of my checks were going into the "pot" as well until just recently. I have no access to money other than my own so Ive kept it to pay for groceries, gas, x-mas excedtra.
I am very strong in my faith. That's whats helped my through this long.
Report as
Eliot07
He makes you pay for groceries out of your money? Does he eat the food you buy? Even I would have to protest this. He is making more money; he should be supplying the groceries.
Report as
Add a comment...

You are required to get him to understand how you contribute to the family support. Inform him that you are not comfortable with the way he treats you. You can also get him to go with you for therapy to get assisted.

Helpful (1) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (1)
Report as
Trust me I've tried it all. He says the problem is mine, not his. Can't acknowledge any fault on his part. When all that hasn't worked then what...? I'm afraid I may already know the answer but I do not want to face the truth. Thank you.
Report as
Add a comment...

Sorry, but if the majority of all funding is coming from his pocket, hes pretty much got a point. If you want him to take you seriously, start taking yourself seriously and work as hard as he does. If you cant do that, then just enjoy the fact that he works, and provides. thats more than alot of women get. So he doesnt let you access online banking? Who cares? One less thing you have to worry about.

Helpful Fun Thanks for voting Comments (10)
Report as
By your rational he shouldn't be allowed in the house because she's the one who takes care of it.
Report as
Eliot07
But he's the one who's buying it.
Report as
I dont remember reading that anywhere
Report as
Eliot07
She didn't have to say it, it's obvious. She hasn't had a full time job in years. How would she be making the house payments?
Report as
I was referring to the person before you saying that she takes care of the house
Report as
Eliot07
Oh sorry....well i guess one could assume that since she wasn't working, she was taking care of kids, cooking, cleaning, etc.
Report as
Which is fine. But if she doesnt pull her weight financially, she shouldnt expect to be involved in the finance decisions.
Report as
Get a divorce and let the judge decide who deserves what. Here in Canada its 50/50.
Report as
Spouses may play different roles with different responsibilities; one spouse may provide management of the home, meals, & children (among other things), & the other may provide financial income. But Im not clear on why engaging in a particular role would exclude either partner from having involvement in any aspect of the household. If that is the case, it seems less of a partnership and more of a business arrangement. Would it not seem illogical if a full time mother disallowed her husband to have input on raising the children? Equally silly to disallow a spouse to have financial input because she is not the financial earner. My dear, look deep, and honor yourself.
Report as
bollocks you are seriously damaged goods as is this womans husband. She worked harder than he did raising his kids. That is way more contribution to him than his money is to her.
Report as
Add a comment...

I was in a marriage in which I wasn't respected too. It's not healthy for you and can send you into depression. For 27 years your career was making sure the house was clean, making meals, shopping,laundry, and raising the kids (which brings a lot more duties like homework, driving them everywhere, teacher, disciplinarian). If doesn't see how much you have done and only sees $ signs then he has issues. I'd say try counseling but since you already have and it didn't work I'd say get out. Someone who loves you is not gonna treat you like crap all the time. You deserve so much better than that! Go to the bank and ask for statements so you can see what's going on financially. Open up your own savings account and put money in it each week, so when you're ready to leave you'll have a little nest egg. Since it's a joint bank account you can withdraw money from it, so take some. Talk to a close relative or friend that can give you a place to stay until you get back on your feet. I left my husband and feel so much happier and free. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it! Good luck to you!

Helpful Fun Thanks for voting Comments (1)
Report as
I totally agree with you, you made very valid points and I also can relate to this issue. As much as I love him, I don't deserve to be treated like a door mat, to get no respect and I do a lot for him. Everything other than make money is what I do...I have sacrificed my time to stay home and raise kids! hello! thats a difficult job and stay at home moms should get paid!! instead of paying daycares which cost *$800 monthly. Its very hurtful to have your husband remind you to go get a job and little does he appreciate what is done for him at home and raising children! If I would have known his true character years ago, I would never have given him children and would have invested my time in a career! get divorced and save yourself the heartache and depression! its not worth your health, find someone who truly loves you.
Report as
Add a comment...

Next time, get to actually know your husband before you marry him

Helpful (1) Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

I think at this point you have take the necessary steps to improve your marriage. Life is too short to be miserable. If he isn't willing to budge and disregards your feelings it's time to go your separate ways. In a marriage no one ever contributes the same amount of everything. You were the primary care giver, does that make him any less of a father to your children? He contributed financially and you contributed financially, cared for the home, the kids, and him. Also, if he doesn't allow access to banking info he sounds a little controlling. My parents have been married 30 years and my mom was a stay at home mom all while my brothers and I were growing up and has only gone back to work for something to do. I always saw my parents as equal partners and my dad never said one word to her about working. Now that I have a family of my own I am doing the same. My husband works, I stay home with the kids. Being a stay at home mom is a huge commitment and sacrifice that your husband should be grateful for. I'm sure you gave them better care than any nanny, babysitter or daycare ever could have. I did the work thing. I had a very good job that I loved and it was a big sacrifice to give it up. I will tell you this, it's easier to get up and go to work every day than it is to stay home and raise kids. If after 27 years with the help of councilling he still doesn't respect and value your contributions it's time to let go. Enjoy life. Have your ME time now that it's here. Don't waste the rest of your life being unhappy, you don't get to do it again. You spent 27 years doing what is right for your family, now it's your turn. Do what is right for YOU. Be free, be happy, experience and enjoy life. Good luck and let God guide you :)

Helpful Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

You never know what you got, until you lose it, one man lost is another man gain

Helpful Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...

I've been in a similar situation for 26 years. I imagine what would happen if I left. I know he would fall apart, but at the same time he treats me like crap while we're together. I guess these type of men will just be sad if we leave them because then they'll have no one to take their frustrations out on. They don't like talking to an empty room.

Helpful Fun Thanks for voting Comments (0)
Report as
Add a comment...
Do you have an answer?
Answer this question...
Did you mean?
Login or Join the Community to answer
Popular Searches